I know, I know. It’s tough being out on a first date, especially if you haven’t been on one in a while. Sometimes you are so tense and uncomfortable wondering if there is something in your teeth or your bra strap is showing, that you end up blurting out something you swore you would never share with anyone other than your best friend. Then to make things worse you feel even more uncomfortable having shared something so vulnerable and to alleviate that feeling you share even more. Yikes, slow down girl. Tempted to share too much? Stop. Take a bite of food. Chew it at least 30 times. That will give you breathing room, reset your boundaries and by the way, help out your digestive tract.
How Open is Open?
Here is what a very smart person told me years ago about creating a trust level with someone you don’t know well. Employ the Share-Check-Share method. First, share a little something of yourself that is maybe a little deeper than you’ve shared previously with your date. Now I’m not talking heavy-duty stuff like your recent trip to the gynecologist or imminent incarceration, but rather something that is just a step or two out of your comfort zone. Then pause and listen to the response, whether it’s verbal or non-verbal. How do you feel about the response? Do you feel validated, supported, good about yourself? If none are true and instead you feel pretty crappy, stop right there and don’t share anything more on a deeper level.
Now not to say that there is no potential here, maybe it is just his nervousness coming into play and he decided to make a stupid joke instead of an honest, sensitive response. Hey, it happens. It’s okay to give him another chance but don’t go overboard. If you keep getting bad vibes back when you use the Share-Check-Share method, then that is a red flag pretty much just hitting you in the face over and over again. Look at it and recognize it for what it is.
Angry, Who’s Angry?
You’ve gone through a bad breakup (welcome to the club), done your best to get over it in one piece and now you’re ready to find love again. Or at least you think you are. But strangely enough you find yourself sniping and sparking at your date over virtually nothing. He holds the door open, you get snarky about independence and equality. He doesn’t hold the door open…ooh boy… you declare chivalry is dead, good manners went out with the Passenger Pigeon (extinct in case you didn’t get the memo). All this pent up anger almost inevitably leads to the classic line (or whine) “Where are all the good men?” Yeah that’s a statement guaranteed to make your date feel terrific about himself. And you.
Any of this sound vaguely familiar?
If it does, take heart. At least you are self-aware enough to see how you are sabotaging brand new relationships before they even have a chance. Step back and ask yourself first of all if you really are ready to date or if you need more time. Healing from a hard breakup is tricky. The sadness and loneliness can get to the point that you just want to distract yourself with something. Anything. A lot of people believe getting back on the dating circuit right away helps. I don’t happen to agree. I think that it takes some time to move through the grief of a breakup, to gain a better understanding of what happened, your piece of it and what kind of emotional baggage you are toting around these days.
Keep in mind that distracting yourself with a fast new romance brings another human being into the picture who is just as flawed, vulnerable and needy as you. Don’t trample his feelings to bolster your own. Plus if you move too fast, you are more likely to misjudge and rush the situation, with greater potential for even more heartache. Don’t do that to yourself. Be honest with yourself about your motivations for dating.
Who Are You Tonight?
Most of us have been told to just be ourselves since we were in diapers, long before we had any idea who we actually were. Hopefully you have a better grasp on that now. Look, this is a tough area for everybody. You want to be true to yourself and your values, principles and beliefs. But there you sit opposite a Brad Pitt lookalike and you just want him to like you. Who wouldn’t? So you fudge a little on some details and then maybe a little more. Maybe it’s as simple as saying you like a certain rock band when in reality you can’t stand them. Seems innocuous at the time but you are already setting off on a path that is going to cause some problems if the relationship moves forward. Like when he hands you front row tickets to the band’s concert on your birthday. And again, the birthday after that. Eventually (preferably before the 3rd concert) you are going to have to step up to the plate and set the record straight. Why put yourself through that for something so truly meaningless in the grand scheme of things? The measure of a good relationship is not that you agree with or like everything the other person does. After all, where’s the fun and adventure in dating a clone of yourself? No, you want a strong relationship and that means respecting and delighting in your partner’s, and your own, individuality.
No More Excuses!
Sometimes we want so badly to be liked, we don’t even take a moment to think about whether we actually like the person sitting across from us. Are we so caught up in external appearances and our own self-doubt that we miss some important clues about who they really are? Be sure you listen to your inner dialog and pay close attention to anything that gives you pause.
If you find yourself wincing at some of the things being said or done (watch how he treats casual interactions with those around him, especially waitpersons/cab-drivers, etc.) don’t make excuses for him. So many women talk themselves into relationships even if they initially had serious misgivings by creating sympathetic explanations for questionable behavior. If he calls all or most of the women from his past bitches, or worse, take that at face value and recognize that at some point you will get added to that list. Don’t think you are the exception to the rule, even if he tells you that. Sorry to say you will prove not to be the exception. His pattern of interacting with women is well engrained and self-fulfilling.
Or you are dating someone who gives you a lot of mixed messages, a lot of ‘come here/now go away.’ Yes, he may have been hurt badly by family or previous relationships, but so has most of the human race. You don’t want to get in the position of playing therapist. Not only does fulfilling that role create tension and imbalance in a relationship, it also means that most probably you have put your own needs aside in order for you both to focus on what he needs. That scenario gets real old, real fast. If you feel compelled to play the therapist, and have done so in a number of relationships, you might want to look at why it is so important for you to have the upper hand instead of that of an equal partner. Remember no more excuses for bad behavior. Keep this mantra in mind – It is what it is. What you are seeing and hearing is what is there. Listen openly and objectively. Don’t gloss over your honest perceptions.
Now Is Your Time!
So many of us write full scenarios in our heads for how an event or special moment is going to (or should) play out that we actually miss out on the reality. It’s like being on a train and being so immersed in daydreams of what’s going to happen when you arrive home, that you ride right by your station. And your opportunity for actually experiencing that particular moment in your life has passed by.
“He’ll say…., and I’ll say…, and then…” We construct long elaborate life scripts that fulfill our needs and desires, but only in our imaginations. These scripts are not real and over-dependence on them can take us out of fully experiencing our lives. Yes, daydreams can fulfill certain needs but not when they supersede our reality. They can create bad feelings (based on nothing but our imagination), put up walls and build unrealistic expectations. Resulting in heartache and sadness when those expectations aren’t met. We have today, this moment. Yes, we can remember the past and think about the future, but we need to experience and savor where we are right now.
Get out of your head. Toss those old life scripts away. Stay present. Celebrate your life.