Things are said in casual conversation and in arguments that can wreck your girlfriend’s feelings towards you, and of her self-esteem. It’s during these times that instead of saying the first thing to come out of your mouth – take the time to think about the question at hand and how to respond (or not!) accordingly. Doing this will keep the relationship on solid ground for a long time. Here are The Top 10 Things to Never Tell Your Girlfriend:
Your friend is _____
Hot, promiscuous, a liar, stupid, slutty – insert adjective here. No matter what the comment is, it is always a bad idea to openly compliment or criticize her friends. Not only is it disrespectful to the friends (who very may well be wearing that revealing outfit on facebook to a Halloween party) that you probably don’t know enough to pass judgment on, it’s also a slap in the face to your girlfriend, who is friends with them for a reason. Keep your comments to yourself until you’re asked, and then be respectful. Aside from being polite, if you’re constantly talking down about her friends, she will ask herself, “If this is what he thinks of them , what does he say about me to his friends when I’m not around?”
Broken Promises
As men, we are held to our word. End of discussion. If you’re not willing to keep an appointment, plan an activity you told her you would do, or even cook her soup when you told her that you would do anything for her, you shouldn’t make them at all. It’s time to grow up and mean what you say – and come through on promises. It’s satisfying and reassuring to women when a man tells her he will do something, and then do it. Not only are men perceived as unreliable when they break their promises, they are constantly letting the woman down – which hurts your chances of a long-term relationship.
“I don’t care.”
This simple three word statement will set the tone for a man’s entire relationship once it slips from a nonchalant mouth. No matter the subject at hand, if it is a concern to your girlfriend, it should be an immediate concern to you as well. If you respond to a story, her expressing her emotions, or her expressing how she sees you at the current time (among many others) with “I don’t care,” it sets off red flags immediately.
A man is supposed to be the problem-solver, the rock and foundation to rest problems and feelings on. Once a man is labeled as disinterested or unresponsive, a woman will find it hard to express anything to him anymore, which essentially kills an otherwise-healthy relationship.
If the question is about what’s for dinner, what movie to see, what you would like to do today, etc – give an answer. Be masculine, take charge, a woman will appreciate not having to make decisions all of the time.
“It doesn’t matter.”
Another three word statement that can put off a woman quicker than the majority of toilet-humor. Here’s a tip: Everything matters. Nothing is trivial to a woman, especially if she’s you’re girlfriend. From her asking why you act a certain way, something that happened in your past, or what your boss said to you at work today – there’s a reason for the inquisition: she wants to know what your thoughts are. No one likes trying to play psychologist and dig minds for everything, instead, volunteer the information. You’ll come off as honest and trustworthy. If it’s a question regarding a choice, “Which dress do I wear, red or blue?” for example, give her your honest opinion. Giving your opinion is much better than seeming completely disinterested, and will pay off in the long run.
“You’d look better if _____”
Unless you’re her stylist or fashion-consultant, do not blurt out criticisms regarding her looks or style. Even if you honestly believe she would look better if she had black hair instead of blonde, a mini-skirt instead of a pantsuit, or red lipstick instead of burt’s bees – don’t offer the information unless she asks you first. Even then, it’s better to casually suggest a change than outright tell her. Men forget that women can be just as insecure about their looks as men are to theirs. I can guarantee your girlfriend is constantly doing her best to look attractive for you, and is always wondering what you think of how she looks. Instead of trying to change her, take the time to appreciate what you do have, and tell her how beautiful she is accordingly.
“Stop.”
There are very few things in life that will cause the opposite of what you would like to happen more than when telling a woman to stop. It doesn’t matter what it is, if it’s yelling during an argument, poking you in the side, using the stove-top on the highest setting, singing Lady Gaga to the top of her lungs, saying the word stop will not bring the desired effect. On top of seeming controlling and rude, the word invokes feelings of being scorned, as if she had done something wrong. Emotion trumps logic in this case, no matter the scenario.
Instead, look for viable alternatives: Quiet yourself down during the argument, tickling her sides, lowering the setting on the stove when she isn’t looking, or joining in the chorus to “Born This Way,” (Pushing it, I know.) are all much better than trying to command. Feel free to disregard this rule if she’s coming at you with a butcher knife.
“I loathe your family.”
We all hear horror stories about the overbearing mother-in-law or the crazy uncle who thinks Charlie is in the kitchen while firing pellets at beer cans; however, 9 times out of 10 your girlfriend’s family is as normal as can be. A little smaller, a littler larger, but for the most part – normal. Family is an integral part of a relationship. They can cause stress, or add to the happiness, depending on the situation and people involved.
The best advice is to look for commonalities within her family and get to know them. Even if it turns out that they are not the kind of people you like, don’t always bring it up. Instead, realize she didn’t choose her family – and should not be judged as such. As important as they may be to her, if you don’t have anything nice to say, the golden rule applies.
“We need space.”
Not much can stop a woman dead in her tracks like telling her you need your space. Regardless of the situation, even if you do need some time to yourself, there are much better ways to convey and communicate this than by saying this dreaded sentence. For example, if you want to spend more time with your male friends or decide you want a night alone instead of a movie for two – sit down and come up with a schedule or ideas for you two to have your own separate activities. The saying holds true: there can be too much of a good thing.
Remember, you and your girlfriend are two separate people, with separate hobbies and interests. There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting a few hours apart. Instead of making it seem like one person is overbearing or clingy – work together mutually to find results that work well for the both of you. Relationships are partnerships. And if you are trying to break up, then it’s better to come out and say why, instead of using this line straight out of a 90’s teen movie.
“Shut up.”
Now we’re stepping into the ‘abuse’ category. Under no circumstances should you tell your girlfriend, wife, or friend to shut up. When used in conversation, ie; “She said that?? Shut up!!!” it’s acceptable. When said in anger, frustration, or any other way that invokes bad emotions, it’s not. Plain and simple. A healthy relationship will always have its fights. Studies show healthy arguments that accomplish something is paramount to a long-lasting relationship; however, if you’re unable to sit and listen to her concerns, or are too chauvinistic to think her opinions and emotions matter, you do not need to be in a relationship. A woman must feel like she is able to come to you with anything, regardless of the situation. Aside from showing her that you don’t have interest in listening, by telling her to shut up, you’re showing her that you have no regard to how you speak to her. Like what is being said or not, take it for what it’s worth. Always listen, never tell her to shut up.
“Calm down.”
Have you ever wanted to see the gates of Hell open and watch helplessly as the souls and screams of a million angry demons pour out into your living room? Then tell your girlfriend to calm down once she gets emotionally charged, and wait for Beelzebub himself to show his face to you. Hell hath no fury like a woman told to calm down. There’s a reason why she’s upset, no matter if it makes sense logically or not, she is fired up for a reason, and the best thing to do is to figure out why that is as soon as possible. Normally, the issue at hand that a man thinks is the logical problem, turns out to be the tip of the iceberg. For instance, if you’re caught looking at another woman while you’re out to dinner, and she gets upset – it wasn’t the act of you looking that upset her, it’s the fact that you’re with her, and she made sure she looked attractive for you before heading out. Why should she be made to feel insecure?
Instead of telling her to calm down, next time try this: Say, “I understand you’re upset and I’ll listen to you voice your concerns, but I think there’s something deeper than what I can see – what are you really feeling right now?” Not only will you get a straightforward answer from her in most cases, you’re saving yourself by not jumping to conclusions while downplaying her emotions or concerns. This alone will save many nights arguing and solve problems quicker than just trying to end the situation, rather than work it out.