I walked into the coffee shop for a hot coffee and some unintentional eavesdropping. A man and a woman sat at a table behind me, enjoying their drinks. I quickly ascertained they were young parents out on a date, discussing– what else? The children. Wife: “I want her to have good self-esteem, and be vocal in her opinions,” Husband: “Yeah, but I don’t want her to be a conceited little princess either.”
I sipped my coffee and thought about it. I wanted that for my daughter too, and my three sons as well. But how could I find that balance?
I’ve always considered “self-image” another way of being selfish and putting yourself in the center of your own world. There are people who would defend this. The You-are-in-control-of-your-own-reality argument, I suppose.
Then there’s the opposite extreme-the martyr who always puts others’ needs first and ends up being taken advantage of in relationship after relationship.
I think the answer is found in the term, self-control. Carey Neuhoff, in Orange Parenting, states:
Think about it. When do you feel best about yourself? I personally feel much better about myself when I:
Keep my word.
Eat healthy.
Work out.
Prioritize devotional time with God.
Treat people with kindness, even when I feel like doing otherwise.
Show up prepared and on time.
Exceed expectations.
Take responsibility rather than blame others.
All these positive attributes are linked by the term “self-control”. Self-controlled people think before they act or speak, they consider others’ feelings, they know their personal limitations and they value others.
Here are three practical ways to promote self-control in children:
1. Be a good example. If you point out examples to the children; they will begin looking for them too. “See how Dad was frustrated with that other driver who cut us off, and how he didn’t yell or try to hurt the other driver? That’s self-control.” “Mom, Tim stole my sword right out of my hand and I didn’t yell at him, is that self-control?” “Good job, what do you think Tim should have done?”
2. Tell stories. The tortoise and the hare is a classic example of self-control. Be sure to point out this trait. I tell my six year old twins, “See how the hare became distracted along the way? He forgot to keep racing; Self-control would have kept him racing and he would have won.”
3. Make it practical. I sent the boys upstairs to put on PJs. Five minutes later, I came up to find them playing cars instead of putting on PJs. “We got distracted, Mom!” Point out how they need to obey Mom by being self-controlled when facing the temptation of those fun little cars.
As parents, we want not only good behavior in our children, but also good character. The good behavior will be a natural result of good character. One critical aspect of good character is self-control.
Sources:
Orange Parenting
Books of Character http://www.educationworld.com/a_curr/curr281.shtml
Educating the Whole-Hearted Child By Clay Clarkson
Other Parenting Articles by Tracey Westphal:
Containers–Using Bins to Keep Children Organized
Are Your Children Ready to Visit a War Memorial?
Parenting: Molding the Minds of the Young