Sometimes your teen (or preteen) seems defiant and avoids you at every turn, but your child still needs their parents. Not every parent (or teenager) wants to go out and have an in-depth hours-long session about important topics like sex, drugs or death, but it is definitely of the upmost importance that these discussions must happen. But how do conversations like this happen in times when it is more important than ever for parents to work long hours or two jobs to make up for less than favorable income to pay the bills.
Take advantage of small opportunities of conversations
Let your teen skip the bus drive. Sometimes the best conversations with your teen happen on route as you travel to and from school. This parent-child bonding time each day helps establish a light-hearted conversation with you and you’re teen that no other time frame can. Most kids would prefer to drive with their parent rather than stand in the cold waiting for the bus every morning anyway.
Listening rather than preaching
Chances are, when you were the teenager, you would reject anything your parents said when they “preached” their expectations to you, and the same holds true for teens today. The key to talking to your teen about anything is to practice a concept that therapists define as “active listening.” Often, parents want to state opinions without allowing the child to voice their thoughts, but when a child suppresses their opinion under authority, he or she will not feel comfortable disclosing much more important things later on.
Set reasonable standards for behavior and remember always that you are the parent
Although children resist authority figures, they still need to be aware of what is expected from them. Parents who allow their children complete freedom without consequences for bad behavior are setting their children up for failure as adults. Teenagers will test their limits by asking or acting out irresponsibly and these limits must be explained fully. Setting a reasonable goal of accepted behavior and discipline will give your child a healthy outlook on what is to be expected from him or her as an adult.
Acknowledge the good more than the bad
Sometimes children will act out in negative ways to gain attention from parents or others. Getting negative attention is a very effective device with children because the parent really notices, especially when the teacher calls them to have a serious discussion about their child’s performance in school. Although it is a strange concept that a child would actually “want” to be yelled at for disruptive behavior, sometimes children just want attention of any sort rather than be ignored. Consider the amount of “attention” that a parent gives their child for failing grades in contrast to the amount of “attention” given for getting a “B” average in school. The possibilities could be endless If parents spent as much time cheering the child’s accomplishments rather than focusing on otherwise “unacceptable” behavior. Positive reinforcement is the term for the acknowledgment of “good” behaviors and only addressing the “bad” behaviors with a short readdressing of a speech of expectations followed with an activity being taken away.
Practice role model behavior
The first step in good parenting is to be a good example and have your role as a parent be as someone that your child will admire. Without this important model of behavior, the ability for your child to respect you will be greatly suppressed. Usually, a parent who places their child’s needs above their own will give their child a great sense of self worth, which is a crucial element in the development of children into young. A child who is reared by a parent who is constantly seeking self motivated pursuits will eventually seek out those that will reflect the same behavior as their own parent’s behaviors, after all this is the role model that was established for them their entire lives. How else would they know any better? What becomes even worst is when a child is constantly seeking acknowledgement from other adults with attention seeking behaviors and still becoming ignored by one or both parents, often the behavior of this attention seeking may manifest negatively into adulthood. And finally, parents must be “online” as much as possible when they are with their children, if as much as possible – keep the cell phone put up when you are with your children. All children require a healthy dose of encouragement and undivided attention from their parents, but when the parent is otherwise “offline” or “disconnected” with emails or text messaging, children learn social behavior from other means.
Take short history lesson of past successful parents
How often is it that we seek out literature on how to be more successful in business but ignore the importance of our contribution as parents? Think of the negative consequences of not investing your time into your children. Parents must, more than any other generation, take considerable time, effort and dedication to create purpose-driven children that develop later into successful adults. Famous people like Einstein, Picasso and Leonardo DaVinci all had parents who took their time and selfless effort to cultivate excellence in their children. A Chinese proverb states, “The best time to plant a tree is 20 years from now” is a perfect statement of parenting. Often, we do not see what we could have done better until it is too late.