“Why should you win?” asked the reporter. He thrust the microphone toward the hard jaw line of Rick Perry.
“Why shouldn’t I? I like to speak provocatively, and that resonates with my party cause there a bunch of hard asses like I am. Someone has to be a hard ass.”
“That’s why you should win?” asked the reporter, incredulous.
“Do you have some problem with that? One of my people could get pretty nasty with you. You know we execute people in Texas.”
The people around Rick Perry who had been stuffing their faces with brisket and greasy ribs let out a roar of approval.
“Give me my gun; I’ll fuck him up,” said Rick Perry.
Intimidated, the reporter moved on, until he came to the Libertarian Ron Paul. “Why should you win?” the reporter asked.
“Because we’re fighting for the cause of liberty,” said Ron Paul, and began thumbing through a book by a Swiss economist, just like it was the Bible. “It says here…”
“But you’re a doctor who would let people die if they didn’t have insurance,” said the reporter, and walked on.
“Why should you win?” the reporter asked Michelle Bachmann, who was spreading honey on a butter biscuit.
“Because I said we shouldn’t raise the debt ceiling,” said Michelle Bachmann, between mouthfuls.
“That cost us a shitload of money,” said the reporter.
He walked on, stopped in front of Mitt Romney, who was trying to roll up sleeves properly, and posed his question. “Why should you win?”
“I can get the economy started again, because I’ve been in business,” said Mitt Romney.
“But your business was chopping up companies and letting people go, so that executives could make more money,” said the reporter. “That’s the kind of business that got us into this mess.”
The reporter walked on until he came to Newt Gingrich. “Why should you win, Mr. Gingrich?” he asked.
“Because I’m the most intelligent person in my party,” said Newt Gingrich, who was folding his own political flyers.
“But you’re an old fart and more of a smarty pants than a genius,” said the reporter. “Any one of the other candidates could nail your ass to the barn door.”
“That’s true,” said Newt, but that wasn’t the question you asked me. Ronald Reagan was also an old fart and he’s the Republican Party icon.”
“How about you’re no movie star and nobody likes you,” said the reporter, and moved on. Suddenly, he heard a cold voice.
“I like him and I’m managing his campaign,” said a silver blonde, without moving a muscle in her face.
“Spooky,” said the reporter, and didn’t look back again.
Rick Santorum was standing by the water cooler, and talking to anyone who would listen about HPV vaccine. “Why should you win?” asked the reporter.”
“I’m an evangelical with lots of kids, and occasionally I speak my mind. I’m pretty good looking, I come from a state with a lot of electoral votes, and I usually side with Michelle Bachmann, but at least I’m a guy,” said Rick.
“I think you’re a pretty good candidate, but your retail political skills aren’t much and you’ve failed to raise your thirty million dollars. Your standing in the polls demonstrates that your party doesn’t care about you,” said the reporter and moved on.
Jon Huntsman was just coming out of the port-a-potty.
“Do you have a moment?” asked the reporter.
“Sure, I do my best thinking, when the business of the day is over; and I can get on my motorcycle and rod around like Kurt Cobain,” said Huntsman smiling.
“You’re the only candidate that makes any sense at all,” said the reporter, “but tell me in you own words, why should you win the Republican nomination for President?”
“Shit, is that what we’re running for?” asked Jon Huntsman looking confused. I thought we were in run offs for America’s got talent.”