A mere day after Chris Christie pooped all over the dreams of rank-and-file Republicans, briefly-Alaska governor Sarah Palin has announced that she won’t be running for President in 2012. She released a statement to The Mark Levin Show.
If you’ve never listened to The Mark Levin Show, kiss your children, thank your chosen deity, and throw your radio into a local polluted waterway. If your only radio is in the car, trust me, drown the entire car.
Here’s Palin’s statement:
October 5, 2011
Wasilla, Alaska
After much prayer and serious consideration, I have decided that I will not be seeking the 2012 GOP nomination for President of the United States. As always, my family comes first and obviously Todd and I put great consideration into family life before making this decision. Somebody has to watch my kids. Take your eyes off them for a second and they’re banging the the neighbor kids. I’m 47 and I already have two grandkids. But kids will be kids and kids love sex. By the way, I support abstinence-only education.
My decision is based upon a review of what common sense Conservatives and Independents have accomplished, especially over the last year. We have successfully blocked every single idea that the Keny…I mean, President Obama has put forward while consistently offering nothing but the same, tired trickle-down ideas that failed in the 1980’s.
I believe that at this time I can be more effective in a decisive role to help elect other true public servants to office while making shit-tons of money from speaking engagements and television. How much money is Mitt Romney making while campaigning? Squat! I’m getting $7 million from my reality show deals alone. Tune in this fall for Sarah Palin’s Alaska on A&E, Sarah Palin’s Baked Alaska on The Food Network, and Survivor: Sarah Palin’s Economic Theories on CBS.
We need to continue to actively and aggressively help those who will stop the “fundamental transformation” of our nation and instead seek the restoration of our greatness, our goodness and our constitutional republic based on the rule of rich white people.
From the bottom of my heart I thank those who have supported me and defended my record throughout the years, even though it destroyed every ounce of credibility you may have earned during your entire lifetime. No big loss, I’m sure, as the majority of you are ignorant hillbillies who think that the Sun orbits around Arkansas.
I will continue driving the discussion for freedom and free markets, including in the race for President where our candidates must embrace immediate action toward energy independence through domestic resource developments of conventional energy sources, along with renewables. And by “renewables,” I mean oil because oil is not a fossil fuel derived from prehistoric organic materials. Oil is the black, gooey, never-ending approval of America by the baby Jesus.
We must reduce tax burdens and onerous regulations that kill American industry, and our candidates must always push to minimize government to strengthen the economy and allow the private sector to create jobs. The private sector will totally create jobs if we cut rich people’s taxes. Job creation relies not so much on “supply and demand” as “the Koch brothers masturbating with tax-free thousand dollar bills.” And regulations definitely kill American industry. Do you know how much more “beef” American companies could sell without the onerous regulations that require “beef” to be made primarily of “cows” instead of “missing immigrants”?
Those will be our priorities so Americans can be confident that a smaller, smarter government that is truly of the people, by the people, and for the people can better serve this most exceptional nation. Remember, corporations are people. Ask Antonin Scalia. He won’t answer you because he’s better than you.
In the coming weeks I will help coordinate strategies to assist in replacing the President, re-taking the Senate, and maintaining the House. Specifically, my strategy is “let Obama keep being a shitty President.” That has nothing to do with my disagreements with President Obama. He’s just a really shitty President. Didn’t you expect him to actually do something? At least a tiny bit of hopey-changey? Really, all the GOP candidates need to do at this point is not do anything incredibly stupid. Huh? Rick Perry’s hunting camp is named what? You’re friggin’ kidding me!
Thank you again for all your support. Let’s unite to restore this country!
Well, a portion of it, anyway.
God bless America.
– Sarah Palin