What’s Your Number? is a romantic comedy starring Anna Faris (The House Bunny) and Chris Evans (Captain America: The First Avenger). The film is about 20 something Ally who is convinced that she has slept with too many guys to sleep with any more before marriage. So she decides to revisit her exes and hope that they’ve changed for the better. Evans is her sometimes helpful and sometimes scantily clad neighbor. For the full, unedited version of these quotes plus more photos please read this post. Warning: This article contains spoilers.
Ally: “Oh, I’m sorry, it just, um, felt kind of serious last night when you were doing me from behind but I couldn’t see your face, so”
Daisy: “& to be honest I was always a little worried about the way he kept wanting to do it doggy style”
Ally: “Some people like that you know”
Daisy: “No, nobody likes it, even the dogs are just waiting for it to be over”
Ally: “10.5, holy sh*t! I’m sorry, it just says here the average number of lovers women have in their lifetime is 10.5″
woman on train: “Yeah, that seems very high”
Ally: “High? No, that’s low, 10.5 is low”
woman on train: “whatever you say”
Daisy: “What are you writing?”
Ally: “Nothing, just some notes for my toast”
Daisy: “Is it gonna rhyme?”
Ally: “It depends, what rhymes with orgy?”
Ally: “Careful, he can be a little rough on the nipples”
Roger: “Let me buy you these drinks, I feel really bad about that”
Ally: “Really? Thanks, I can’t afford them anyway”
Sheila: “What is the big deal?”
Katie: “That is 13 different penises in 1 vagina”
Sheila: “It’s not like they were all in there at the same time”
Katie: “Oh my god, you’re at 91!”
Ally: “No, I’m at 9″
Daisy: “You’re at 19″
Ally: “Fine, I admit it, I’m at 19, almost twice the national average, it’s bad. Look at this, there’s even a whole article in Marie Claire about it. I thought playing this game would make me feel better about my number but now I think the homeless lady on the train was right, it’s high.”
Ally: “..Okay, I’m going to make a proclamation, shut up I’m proclamating, okay, I’m not going to sleep with 1 more guy until I’m sure he’s the one, I may not have control over much but I do have control over my pelvic floor, the next guy who vacations at Casa Esperanza is going to be my husband, to taking control of my own destiny, to better decision making & full following through, to 20!”
Ally: “…do you think that maybe I could pay you to find some people for me?”
Colin: “Sweetheart, If I’m going to help you you’ve gotta give me more info than that”
Ally: “Just some, guys that I’ve dated”
Colin: “Oh you have herpes, that’s not a fun call to make”
Colin: “What happened to protecting your sisters?”
Ally: “If those girls can’t see you coming they deserve what they get”
Ally: “…he probably still works at Starbucks but he’s the best sex I ever had”
Colin: “You haven’t had sex with me”
Ally: “No, but I have had sex with other overly confident, struggling musicians so I’m good.”
Colin: “What makes you think I’m a musician?”
Ally: “Guitar in your apartment, you dress like a horny teenage, I paid for that sandwich, struggling musician.”
Sheila: “That is a lotta poof”
Daisy: “Poof is what I like about it”
Sheila: “But don’t you want to have wedding night sex with your dress still on?”
Daisy: “I don’t know, do I?”
Katie: “Yeah, naughty bride, you do”
Sheila: “I’m just concerned that with all those layers he’s not going to be able to find your vagina”
Ally: “Good point”
Sheila: “I mean forget about 69″
Eileen: “Oh, she’s not gonna 69″
Sheila: “Why not?”
Eileen: “Because she’s a grown up, 69s are for when you’re 17 and you’re trying to cram everything in at once before your parents get home.”
Katie: “Thank you, Matt is always trying to do that and I say let’s just take turns, what’s the rush?”
Colin: “Why, because he’s a bartender?”
Ally: “No, because he’s still a bartender. He’s exactly where he was 9 years ago, an out of work magician who sleeps til noon, bartends til 3 and goes around pulling money out of people. He keeps your quarter by the way.”
Colin: “I don’t know why people care so much about the number anyway.”
Ally: “You guys all have this ideal girl in your mind and if our number gets too high we can’t be that girl.”
Colin: “The ideal girl, tell me about her.”
Ally: “You know you can take her home to the family, she’s smart but not smarter than you and she bakes apple pies with your mom and plays catch with your handicapped sister but then when you’re alone she takes off her glasses and puts on a vinyl catsuit and f*cks you sideways.”
Colin: “That girl doesn’t exist, if she did I’d be sleeping with her, and what kind of guy cares about many people you’ve slept with anyway?”
Ally: “Decent guys”
Ally: “I don’t want to be on Facebook. What picture did you use?”
Colin: “The one I just took of you sleeping…”
Ally: “Fine, but I refuse to tweet.”
Ally: “He’s adorable…and so are his wife and kids”
Colin: “Well he clearly doesn’t understand what Facebook is for.”
Ally: “…where’s my coffee pot?”
Colin: “I broke it. If you were on twitter you’d know that already.”
Ally: “…I could find out who his lawyer is and get a job there as his assistant”
Colin: “Or we could keep it simple and you just go look at his open house.”
Colin: “Jerry Perry? You lost your virginity to the puppeteer?” (laughs)
Ally: “I know, I felt sorry for him?”
Colin: “Oh Ally, I underestimated you. That’s amazing. That’s my new favorite thing about you.”
Ally: “He recognized my vagina! What’s going on down there? I’ve gotta say I’m a little freaked out”
Colin: “I’d be happy to take a look for ya”
Ally: “Oh Jesus, tell me you’re not naked on my couch next to my sister”
Daisy: “Thankfully he doesn’t like to play without his underwear. The guitar gets cold against his penis.”
Colin: “…what’d you do to turn him off?”
Ally: “Nothing, he’s a gentlemen.”
Colin: “You wore that pantsuit, didn’t you?”
Ally: “Hey, that pantsuit is sexy. It’s very Katherine Hepburn.”
Colin: “All right, let’s clear something up right now. Katherine Hepburn was not sexy, Audrey Hepburn was sexy, Katherine Hepburn was a dude.”
Ally: “What are you doing here? I not depressed enough to sleep with you.”
Mr. Darling: “You should follow me on twitter, @HarryTarry3″
Ally: “Or we could just talk right now”
Mr. Darling: “LOL”
Ava Darling: “This is your life Ally, don’t get creative…”
Mr Darling: “Hold on, I have to tweet about this (takes picture of them), and hi there.” (while dancing with Ally at Daisy’s wedding)
Jake: “So, you’ve been with 2 guys in your life, big deal”
Ally: “More like 2 times 10″
Jake: (laughing) “Yeah right, like you’ve been with 20 guys, yuck”
Ally: (fake laughs) “Gross”
Jake: “I may not have been your first but I will be your last”
Ally: “Why, are you going to rape and kill me?”
Jake: “No, but I am going to kiss you”
Ally: “I don’t want to marry Jake Adams, that’s not who I am. I’m a jobless wh*re who slept with 20 guys and I want to be with somebody who appreciates that about me…”
Ally: (climbing over something) “This is bullsh*t, why didn’t I just wait for him at his apartment?”
Ally: “I have a speech that I want to make to you but I was afraid that I was gonna forget it so I figured it’d be easier to drive, bike and run across town in my high heels so I could tell you right now”