I was looking forward to my vacation to Florida. It would be the first time I’d ever gone there during spring break. Partying on the beach with my friends and random college girls was exactly what I needed to raise my spirits. I have a very stressful job at the rabies lab I work at. Veterinary clinics send us frozen heads of dogs to be tested. It’s my job to taste test every dog head for authenticity. I’m the only one there that’s immune to rabies, so of course, this task falls to me. The pay is excellent, and I used to love the taste of a decapitated dogs head, but the years have been cruel to my taste buds.
Finally the day had arrived. After a quick flight and bus ride, we were unpacking our bags at our beach side hotel. The scent of ocean spray and miller high life filled my nostrils. I was in heaven. Running to the beach, my friends and I couldn’t contain our joy. The sight of beautiful women and perfect weather was all I needed to forget all about those dog heads. I wished then that this moment would last forever. It didn’t. Seconds after we had set up our spot on the beach with our towels and coolers, a strange and terrifying sight befell me. A women’s head, washed ashore unnoticed by anyone. I rubbed my eyes in disbelief. This could not be. I ran to it and picked it up. Instinct kicked in and I tasted it. “Dear God!”, I thought. Rabies! But not just any rabies. It was the kind of rabies that caused instantaneous decapitation in humans. The head would literally fall off once bitten by a carrier.
The sound of screaming knocked me back into reality. Looking towards the source I saw something I will never get out of my mind. A pack of chihuahuas, crazy chihuahuas, running through the crowds, biting anyone in their path. Heads began to fall off of people like coconuts falling out of coconut trees during an earthquake, which is to say that a lot of heads were falling. Coconuts are known by scientists to fall out of their trees during earthquakes, that’s just common knowledge. “How can this be!”, shouted a very stupid man. I punched him to death to stop the stupidity. The crowd stopped screaming to applaud me, and then went back to screaming.
I knew that this was my time for action. Grabbing my trusty pitchfork that I never leave home without, I set out to save my people. I ran to the vicious pack, thrusting and stabbing, maniacally laughing the whole time. Luckily for me, chihuahuas are very easy to kill. As I slew the last of them, a wave of relief washed over the crowd. Only 29 victims total. Not too bad I must say. As I walked back to my friends, I heard a scream and a high pitched non threatening growl. The kind of growl that only a chihuahua makes! I saw a women frozen in terror, with a chihuahua advancing toward her. She was my future wife and mother of my child. I had proposed to and impregnated her just minutes after meeting her on the plane. “Nooooo!”, I shouted. “You can’t have her hellbeast!”. I hurled my pitchfork at the dog.
Alas. I missed. The dog sprang forward and bit her on the bellybutton. She was an outie. Her head fell off of her body as she said “I love you James, I’ll always love you.”, which was quite a long sentence to say considering her head was not attached to anything. In my rage I grabbed the beast and bit its head off, enjoying the renewed savor of it’s rabies blood. I ran from the beach to the hotel, saying nothing to anyone. I packed my things and boarded the first flight home. I have never forgotten her, or the people I saved. I know now that I will never love again. And every time I hear someone say “spring break”, I cry inside. After the inward crying, I go on a chihuahua killing spree, and I feel much better.