Although I am not adopted, nor are any of my children adopted, I have always pondered this question. Should adoptive parents tell their children they are adopted or not? If so, at what age and under what circumstances?
In reality, there is no clear cut answer to this question. Several factors come into play in each unique family situation that may determine what an adoptive parent ultimately decides to do. I happen to have a few friends who are adopted and also have a few friends who have adopted children.
In the cases of my friends who are themselves adopted, all of them were made aware of this fact at a young age, and only one had an issue with it. While his older brother was perfectly content with the news, realizing he had been chosen and desperately wanted, the other brother lashed out, immediately wanting to explore the possibility of finding his adoptive mother. Nothing much ever came of the matter, other than the younger child expressing resentment toward his adoptive parents for a while, then eventually he realized they were the people who loved, supported, and cared about him, and came around to the idea that they truly were his parents in all of the ways that really mattered.
In another instance, a friend only wanted to discover some information about her biological family, after developing a medical condition. Then the realization hit about the importance of knowing your family medical history in instances such as this.
Some cases of adoption are a little more obvious than others, so it is inevitable that the child will eventually come to realize that he or she is different from the rest of family. For instance, if mom and dad, and any siblings are all blond haired with blue eyes, and this child is dark skinned with black hair and brown eyes, I feel it’s only a matter of time before they figure it out. In other cases, if I didn’t know any better, the adoptive child resembles one parent so much that I would swear it was their biological child, even after they reveal the child is adopted.
If you have adopted or plan to adopt, consider your feelings on this matter. Will you or won’t you reveal to your child that they are adopted? Are you prepared for any backlash from either telling them or keeping it from them and having them somehow find out on their own at a later date? Do you want an open adoption where the child maintains some type of contact with their birth mother? There are many factors to consider.
From the people I know who can relate to this by either having been adopted or having adopted, most seem to make this clear from the start, and somehow everything seems to fall into place. All of my friends’ adopted children are well adjusted, wonderful children, and they are aware of this fact that they were adopted, and I have never noticed them acting any differently than any biological child would toward their parents and other family members. They are all secure in the fact that they know they are loved and wanted, and they have helped make their parents’ lives complete. Although I am sure that from time to time, certain issues can develop within adoptive families, I feel that with love and understanding these issues can be addressed and dealt with. After all, children who are adopted were definitely longed for, wanted children and they should take heart in that knowledge.