I have always lived much of my life inside my head, and in 1997, I was more there than ever. In January, I learned that my mother had lung cancer. My marriage was going downhill fast, and I had no idea what to do to fix it, or if I even wanted to. I had always been prone to depression, and these events thrust me more than ever to the bottomless pit. I had always prayed, although not with any confidence that it was heard. But, I found myself praying daily now, for mother and for myself. I had prayed while on a job search that God would put me where he wanted me. Ironically, I wound up in an office full of “party” girls.
That prayer didn’t enter my mind as I fell right in with the group. The girls would pass memos around on Friday mornings announcing the place we would all meet after work to celebrate the end of the week. I couldn’t believe my luck, to fall in with such a fun group of girls. Girls who liked to drink beer and talk about something besides their children. But then there was Tammy, a beautiful thirty-something lady, with an air about her that was unlike anything I had seen before. I was at her desk one day when I noticed she quickly tossed the “Friday memo” into the trash. I questioned her about it and she just replied, “Oh, I don’t get into that stuff anymore.” I thought it odd at the time, because the girls had plenty of wild stories to tell in which Tammy had been the wildest. And as I later learned, she had been, until she gave her life to Christ.
As I got to know her better, she revealed more to me about her life and her “conversion.” She was never preachy or judgmental as Christians can sometimes be. She was just a sweet, kind soul who had found a different road from the one the rest of us were on. I would confide in her about the difficulties in my life; my mother’s health, my marriage, my children, and she would sympathize and offer kind words of advice. I saw something in Tammy that my other “buddies” just didn’t have. It was as if she truly cared about my worries and about me. She passed some books on to me about Christianity, and while I would read them, I just didn’t see myself becoming as involved with God as she seemed to be.
One morning as I drove in to work, with the voices in my head being exceptionally loud, I suddenly screamed, “That’s it! I can’t take it anymore! Please, Lord, take it from me; take it all, everything! I give it to you, because I cannot deal with it! I can’t!” This wasn’t a prayer taken from a book; these were words that flying from me without thought during an emotional outburst. There were no sudden appearances of lights or angels; in fact, the only difference I was immediately aware of was that I felt calm. I attributed the peace I felt to the emotional release I had had while screaming that prayer aloud. I’m sure anyone that may have noticed me on the highway, would’ve kept their distance, thinking that I had a major case of road rage. Anyhow, I journeyed on to work, and didn’t think much more about that prayer, either.
Throughout that week, however, I began to notice changes in my thoughts and actions. I popped a beer open on Friday evening to start the weekend off, and found that I literally had to force it down. When it was gone, I had no desire for a second, which was highly unusual. Typically, I drank a second, third, and fourth. When I would consider my marriage difficulties, it wasn’t with the usual thoughts of, “How will I make it on my own with two children?” Instead, there was a knowing within my heart that I would stay despite everything. As I reflected on where the root of the problems in my life might lie, I suddenly saw my attitude as the cause of many of them. I was calmer, more patient, and more peaceful than I had ever been. I knew that somehow I had changed, and I also knew that I had played no part in the transformation. It just happened, in a gentle sort of way.
My life had been full of gray areas – heck, the world is full of gray areas. It was no longer. I knew that many of the bad times in my life had come from bad choices, not chance. I knew that my “moods swings” were fickle emotions that that I could learn to rule, instead of allowing them to rule over me. I knew that, with Christ, I had the power to change things for the better.
About a month after my insanity prayer, as I call it, I wrote a letter of apology to my husband, for ten years worth of wrongs. The words just poured forth, honestly, as if someone else were writing. All my pride was poured out with that letter and I felt as if I’d been relieved of a great burden. The wrongs he had done didn’t matter. This was about making amends for my mistakes.
Soon, my office began hiring, and was suddenly filling with women who had faith in God. This was no coincidence. God had heard my prayer during my job search; he had just answered it in his own way and in his own time. God had a plan to keep me wrapped tight as I ventured into this new world. For about two years, it was truly as if Christ was holding me in his arms, keeping me close, and guiding my steps. Loud music suddenly grated my nerves, and much of what was shown on television sickened me. I no longer dwelt inside my head, but had a new awareness of those in my life. I found a new respect for my husband, and my children became my first priority.
As I look back now, I can say that for the first time in my life, I knew what it was to truly love others. That may sound harsh to non-believers, as I’ve had many say to me, “You mean you can’t love people without a god to show you how? Maybe you’re just a decrepit soul,” or words to that effect. But, while I had truly believed that I loved others, I now saw it had been a conditional love based on how much or how well others loved me. I had believed love was based on feelings. God showed me it is based on action; love is something one does as opposed to something one feels. He showed me things about myself, I would never have known if my eyes had not been opened. And he blessed me with my third child, Adam.
Adam came along, just as my mother was starting a slide downhill. He is a wonderfully good-tempered child and never failed to lift her spirits even in the darkest of hours. He carried me through her passing. He was a rope to hang on to whenever I felt I might slip. He was a gift from God, and God’s gifts always come at just the right moments.
It’s been almost two years since mamma passed, and almost five since that day in August. I am no longer coddled like a babe in his arms. Like all good parents, he has sent me out into the world. “If you love something set it free…” as the saying goes, and God does. He allows us to walk on our own, and use our free will to choose. I have to stay in His Word or doubt will invade. A bad day and a bad attitude can often lead me to cry, “Lord, please come near to me, I don’t want to go back to the person I was.”
In those moments of doubt, I think back to that day in August of ’97, when I was at my wit’s end, with no where to turn, and I turned to Him. It is remarkable that when I finally gave Him my all, He gave me His. I didn’t ask Him to help my marriage, or my mind, or my children; I asked him to take my whole life and that is what made all the difference.
My Christian faith is no panacea. Those moments that I do not feel the immediate presence of God, are some of the loneliest of my life. Once you know his presence, it is painful to be without. His presence is fulfilling, knowing, loving and most of all “peace that surpasses all understanding.” Peace in knowing that everything will be okay, no matter what. Peace in knowing that someone other than you is in control. The bible states that He is there always, “even unto the end.” In this I trust.
There are many questions that I cannot answer about my faith. “If God’s so loving why doesn’t this happen to everyone?” I am asked. I don’t know and I can only guess. In today’s world there is such pride in being in control of one’s life — having all your ducks in a row and so forth. I believe that many find belief in God a weakness. Ironically, the pride that they hold so dear in controlling their own lives widens the gap between them and a Father whom loves them dearly. Pride and stubbornness form a wall around our heart that becomes impregnable with time. We make the choice to build that wall or tear it down. The world tells us to control our destinies and stand tall, but He desires that we come to him on bended knee so that he can teach us to walk again.