If you are a divorced parent with shared custody, the holiday season is probably extra stressful. One parent will spend part or all of the holiday away from the children, which can induce feelings of resentment and guilt. While it is a difficult situation, managing divorce and custody splits during the holidays can be done a little less painfully for you and them.
Be The Bigger Parent During The Holidays. Your kids aren’t looking at you as a broken married couple. They see each of you as parents. Treat the other former half as a parent and not an ex-spouse, especially in front of the kids. Even if your ex-spouse is difficult to get along with no matter how hard you try, being the bigger parent will pay off in the future for your kids.
Instead of demanding pick-up and drop-off locations, give in a little for what works best to the other spouse. Try to work out all the details well in advance of the holidays to include which extended family will be involved with the holidays. Be the parent with the schedule in hand. Even help out with finding flights and locations for your ex-spouse according to his or her needs. Doing your part to ease the tension makes it easier on the kids as well. This isn’t all for the ex-spouse’s benefit. Your children will be with him or her for a few days or weeks. The easier it is for transition, the better off they will be.
Focus On The Kids, Not The Divorce. You will be sad. You will be hurt. You might even wish that something bad would happen to the ex-spouse so your kids will stay with you. But again, the ex-spouse is not an ex-parent. Expressing sadness and guilt about taking your kids there for the holidays can induce unwarranted guilty feelings in the kids. Not only will they be sad to leave, they will be sad while they are gone. And that’s probably not your holiday wish for them.
Acknowledge that you will miss them, but try to highlight the possible fun times they will have while away. Encourage them to have a good time and that it’s OK because they are coming back. Keep the negative talk down, such as discussing parental rights and what you’ll do in the courts to change it. You might be arguing with your horrible ex-spouse, but the kids see you arguing with the other parent. The divorce was between you and the ex, not you and the children.
Thank The Ex For Safe Custody. This might be the hardest pill to swallow, but do thank the ex if the kids are safe and sound. Sometimes divorce can spur feelings of resentment and not being appreciated. But thanking the ex if the routine check-ups show the kids are good to go boosts confidence and can spur even greater care. He or she might also be more willing to consult and call if something does come up. Instead of worrying about getting into another fight about what went wrong, the focus goes back onto the kids.