Last night, my wife and I were faced with caulking the shower. I had avoided caulking the shower at all costs. I considered using whiteout over the sealant, but it would just wash away. I couldn’t talk my wife into moving, so we could avoid caulking the shower. I had tried everything to avoid learning how to caulk the bathtub. Alas, on this fateful night, I could not evade it any longer. It was time to learn how to caulk the bathtub.
Here are two guides on how to caulk a bathtub or shower. The first is my strategy for caulking the shower. The second guide contains my wife’s tips on how to caulk a bathtub. We have very different strategies for shower caulking, as these guides on how to caulk the bathtub reflect.
The Husband’s Method of Caulking a Shower
What You Will Need:
1. 1 undeniable excuse for not caulking the shower.
Steps:
1. Before your wife asks you about caulking the shower, run! Be vigilant for any surprise requests. The topic can arise at any moment.
2. When you cannot avoid answering your wife’s question about caulking the shower, use the really good excuse on why you cannot learn how to caulk the bathtub. Have another task that you must do immediately, or else the world will end. It took some convincing, but my wife eventually agreed saving the planet was more important than caulking the shower. I had to check my email to see if Superman sent me any recent pleas for help.
Tips:
1. If you do not have an excellent excuse for not caulking the shower, try the shotgun method. Overwhelm your wife with multiple excuses about why you do not know how to caulk the bathtub.
2. While your wife may be all for going green, mine did not believe promoting UFO growth in the bathroom was environmentally friendly. She insisted on caulking the shower.
The Wife’s Method of Caulking a Shower
Ingredients:
1. Borax
2. Washing Soda
3. 1 gal. White Vinegar
4. Lemon Juice
5. Hydrogen Peroxide
6. Rubbing Alcohol
7. Empty Spray Bottle
8. Scrub Brush
9. Rubber Gloves
10. Paper Towels
11. Scraper Thingy
12. Hair Dryer
13. Caulk
14. Caulk Gun
15. Music (needed for any project, including learning how to caulk the bathtub)
16. Cat (not necessary for caulking a shower, but insisted on helping)
Preparation:
1. Remove all clutter from the bathtub. Every object, including the cat if one is “helping,” must be relocated before caulking the shower.
2. Chemistry time! My wife is a green cleaning machine, so she made all solutions necessary from the above ingredients. Recipes can be found online, somewhere. Why would I, her husband, know what the green cleaning solution recipes are? She also wonders why I don’t know how to caulk a bathtub. However, as my guide on how to caulk a bathtub shows, I am an expert.
NOTE: It is never advised to mix cleaning solutions without understanding the chemical interactions. I was a Chemistry major. Different household chemicals will interact and create deadly gasses. You can die by mixing cleaning products! (That’s why I never learned how to caulk the bathtub).
3. Spray liberally. Try to aim for the shower while spraying. While cleaning the entire bathroom is tempting, we are focusing on how to caulk the bathtub. Clean that first. Also, the cat does not like being sprayed with vinegar.
Removing Old Caulk:
1. Scrub old caulk.
2. Continue scrubbing.
3. Turn up the music, it will make scrubbing more fun. No, really. It will.
4. When no progress is being made, rinse the caulk and re-spray the cleaning solution. This will give the false allusion of making progress on caulking the shower.
5. Scrubbing not fun? Scrub for another half hour.
6. You’re still on step five.
7. When the bristles on your brush are disintegrated, break out the scrapers. My wife used a variety of scrapers while caulking the shower: a screwdriver, a putty knife, a random metal stick and a metal file.
8. Scrape the old caulk away, without chipping your shower tile.
Killing the Mold:
1. What was under the old caulk? More UFOs, of course!
2. Use what is left of the scrubbing brush to remove these. Repeat above steps, making sure to remove all the UFOs before caulking the shower.
3. There will now be a crack between the shower tile and bathtub. This must be completely dry before caulking the shower. If any moisture is in there, it will quickly become another Petri dish and you will do this again soon.
4. Without electrocuting yourself, carefully use a hairdryer to dry this crack. If you are concerned about this dangerous step, take out life insurance and ask your husband if he can help you learn how to caulk the bathtub safely. He won’t, but at least you can blame him if you die.
5. Swab your now dry crack with rubbing alcohol. What!? A liquid? Relax; it will dry in 0.3 seconds. No, I did not scientifically measure rubbing alcohol’s drying rate, while studying how to caulk the bathtub.
6. It’s now been over two hours and 15 steps. See if your husband made dinner while you were caulking the shower. No? Maybe he can learn how to do that after he learns how to caulk the bathtub.
How to Caulk the Bathtub:
1. Finally, you are ready to learn how to caulk the bathtub, for real. Grab the caulk gun. Strike a heroic Charlie’s Angelic Handywoman Pose. Dramatically load the caulk gun.
2. Once you’re done posing for the bathroom mirror, fill the tub with warm water. Why? Everything is more fun when water is involved. Actually, this is crucial. If you do not fill the tub with water, then it will shift when your 200 lb. husband takes a shower. The shift will be slight, but it will be enough to crack your sealed bathtub. He probably hasn’t learned how to caulk the bathtub yet, so prevent this problem. Fill the tub with water.
3. Caulk! If you’ve ever used a hot-glue gun or puff paint, then you know what to do. If you haven’t, then ask your neighbor for advice on how to caulk the bathtub.
4. Smooth the caulk with something smooth. Your gloved finger works.
5. Celebrate! Wait 24 hours before taking a hot bath to celebrate your caulking of the shower. The caulk needs to fully dry before the shower or bath is used.
Comparing Methods of How to Caulk a Bathtub
As you can see, my advice on how to caulk a bathtub is more efficient than my wife’s shower-caulking strategy. My shower caulking requires only a few steps, but hers steps on how to caulk a bathtub are lengthy. That is why I always prefer the husband’s advice on how to caulk a shower. Husbands, never ask your wife how to caulk a bathtub. It’s not very vigilant.