Dirt and Company
There was this kid in high school that went around with his hand down in his pants most of the time. He was either scratching his balls, squishing cooties or picking dingleberries. I’m not sure which. I never felt the need to find out. All I know is he desperately needed a lesson in personal hygiene. Getting caught outside in a good rainstorm wouldn’t have hurt either. I’ll call him Dirt here for the purpose of telling this story. Dirt had a big brother I’ll call Grease since he needed a bath as bad as Dirt did and he had longer greasier hair. Grease had big bug eyes too but that’s not relevant in this story. These two usually hung out with an older guy I’ll call Stumble because he walked around in a stupor all the time and fell down a lot. Stumble was a good person to know because he could buy beer legally and he only charged one bottle for himself for every six-pak he bought for you.
Dirt was a friendly enough guy and we used to wrestle out on the school lawn. He was bigger and lots stronger than me but I never got pinned by him. That was partly because I was a wiry little runt but mostly because I figured his BO would kill me if he ever pinned me down.
One night there was a high school dance and I found myself in a dark corner where Dirt, Grease and Stumble and a new guy cornered me. This new guy was a real piece of work. I recken he figured he was a cool tough dude and those other three were his gang. I’ll call him Sleazey in this story. Sleazy was about six inches taller than me and about forty pounds heavier which made him about average size I guess. I think he was only a couple years older than me but he already had tattoos on both arms. He might as well have had Looser written in bold letters on his forehead too. I don’t know if he was recruiting new gang members or terrorizing littler kids but the sleazy bastard pulled a knife on me and told me he could cut me bad if he wanted to.
Now I couldn’t think of any reason he would want to cut me since he had never laid eyes on me before so I pretty much ignored him and walked away. I guess he was expecting an entirely different reaction because he just stood there with this dumb look on his face. I guess he was expecting me to get on my knees and beg for mercy or at least piss my pants in fright. Later on he tried a new approach. This time he cornered me in the bathroom and slammed me against the wall a couple of times. Then he said I better do what he told me to or else. Then he left. This guy was beginning to piss me off. He must have mistook me for a mind reader because he still hadn’t gotten around to saying just what it was he wanted me to do.
Well shoot! This dance was turning out to be a bummer so I left. My car was parked out in the alley next door and across from where somebody was doing some remodeling. Sleazy and his ‘gang’ turned up just as I was unlocking the car door and he told me I was going to give them a ride. Well finally I found out what he wanted. Mind you he never once asked nice like. Rude bastard.
I’m kinda stubborn. I also get mad easily. Sleazy didn’t know this. There was no way in hell he was getting a ride in my car and I might have mentioned that to him. That was just before he knocked me against the garbage cans. He made a little mistake right then. He turned around to see how much his buddies were admiring him and I picked up a chunk of scrap 2×4 and thumped him between the shoulder blades. He sorta stiffened up so I thumped him another good lick using my home run swing. This time my 2×4 might have taken some scalp off of him. Sleazy pitched forward onto his face and laid there all peaceful like. I got in my car and went home. I never saw him again. His ‘gang’ never give me any trouble again either. Guess they were afraid I would pull a loaded 2×4 out if they did. That was the only home run I ever hit.
Years later I ran into Dirt. He hadn’t had a bath since the last time I saw him but he wasn’t scratching his balls. He couldn’t because both of his arms were in casts clear up to his armpits and suspended out in front of him on a metal contraption. I didn’t get too close because with him in that cast contraption I couldn’t see any way he could possibly wipe his ass after he took a crap. Mind you I definitely didn’t offer to help when he said he was on the way to the bathroom. I haven’t seen him since or any of his buddies. Of course I haven’t exactly looked for any of them either.
I’m thinking somebody must of kicked Dirt in the butt and that’s how both of his arms got broke. That’s just my theory though.