Everyone mourns when a child is ill. This mourning is especially intense if the illness is something serious; something that can’t be cured with chicken noodle soup, rest, or antibiotics. When a child is ill, or suffering from a condition that is lasting, chronic, or even lifelong, everyone feels the pain. Mothers, especially, feel this pain.
Almost two weeks ago my daughter was diagnosed with a form of cerebral palsy; spastic diplegia. The news was shocking, and my husband and I were completely blindsided by the diagnosis. At first, the only thing I felt was numbness and disbelief. Then, I felt guilt.
Undeserved guilt
Like many mothers of children with health conditions, I felt guilty. In less than a few seconds, my mind bombarded me with a myriad of things I could have done that may have contributed to my daughters illness. I racked my brains for explanations, for reasons why this might be my fault. I cried, wondering if my daughter’s affliction could be my fault since I hadn’t been diligent about taking my prenatal vitamins every day when I was pregnant.
I knew deep down that prenatal vitamins weren’t the reason this happened, but like many mothers, I was placing guilt on myself where it didn’t belong. A mother’s job is to protect, nurture, love, and safeguard her children. There is nothing any mother can do to stop these things from happened, but we can’t help but feel guilty that we couldn’t spare our child.
The guilt spreads beyond the cause of the illness. Mothers, like me, feel guilty about not knowing their child was ill sooner, or for ever being frustrated or angry with their child. Prior to my daughter’s illness, I spent many sleepless nights, crying next to my wailing baby, upset and angry with her. I felt like she hated me. She was always unhappy. Now, knowing something was wrong, I can’t help but feel guilty for ever having been angry with her.
And that’s okay.
Mourning a loss
It is only natural for a parent to feel guilty and grief-stricken. A serious diagnosis is like a death, and in a way, it is a death. A serious diagnosis is the death of how you had imagined your life, and your child’s life would be. That death is something to be mourned. The child is still there, and still loved unconditionally, but the way you though your lives would be together is no longer real and the loss of that is very real and painful.
Even if you feel guilty, it’s okay. Guilt is a very important part of the grief process, and without it, we can’t move on and be the strength our children need us to be.
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