These days there is a pill for everything. Depressed, Stressed, Upset stomach, nausea, just a short trip to the Family Physician, gives you access to a plethora of prescription drugs to get you through yet another day in an unfulfilling job or life.
Several years ago I started having issues with getting out of bed and going to work. It would only happen once in a while, for whatever reason, I just couldn’t do it that particular day. Usually, it would be on a day when I didn’t have a heavy schedule or a lot of work due, with plenty of sick time built up so that it would not affect my paycheck. Through the years though, it has progressed to every other week, more than one day in a row and time off without pay since all sick and vacation time has been used up.
What’s the problem here?
This past year there have been several tragic events that have occurred in my life, and that of my family members. My Ex-spouse, who has a mental disorder, has threatened my life and the life of family members and has thus been disowned by our oldest daughter, and has limited communication with our youngest child. One of my children was sexually assaulted and subsequently attempted suicide. Another of my children was found to have been a victim of an online predator. All of these incidents caused involvement in our lives by several law enforcement agencies and medical practitioners. Subsequently, my youngest child, now eighteen decided to leave home. These issues may be related to the depression I am now experiencing, and was informed by the so-called professionals that it was.
Physicians, Psychiatrists and Psychologists were consulted and I was put on a low dose anti-depressant, to be taken for only six months. I could start functioning again, and go back to a Job that I hate, due to the wonders of modern pharmacology.
The six months are up, and I started tapering off the anti-depressant per my Psychiatrist’s advice, since the medication was only to be used to get me through the above situations. But, the original issued with not being able to get up and go to my job has not disappeared, it has gotten worse. Now, it is not just a matter of not being able to go, but I have panic attacks by just talking about work. In the morning these attacks start with nausea, vomiting and pressure in my chest, causing me to be unable to breathe. Rapid heartbeat and hyperventilation continue until I am able to call in, then it instantly stops. Could it be job related? I think so.
This may be a bit of self-analysis, but I never wanted this job. My current husband asked me to go back to work in order to catch us up on our bills and get out of debt, which was supposed to take no more than a year. I was and wanted to remain a stay at home Mom, as I have always believed that children need that stability, especially if you have enough income to meet the needs of the family. Alas, that did not happen. After a year of still not being caught up on the bills, and the debt not being reduced but increased, I was asked to continue to the three year mark. You see, most persons debt increases based on the amount of income available. Not every household allows this to happen, but ours did.
The three year mark came and went. We lost our home during the collapse of the economy like so many others, due to lack of employment for my husband. One child moved out and the rest of the family had to move into a rental so that my income could cover all the essential bills until the economy got better and my husband could find work again. At this point there was a five year mark scheduled for when I could come home and be the Wife and Mother that I always believed I should be. Year six, not five arrived, my husband has plenty of work, we lived through all the above tragedies, and are Empty-nesters living alone in a home too big for two persons.
It’s coming on for seven years at a thankless, stressful, government job, with constantly increasing demands and deadlines. The workload has tripled, and the deadlines have not changed. Overtime is sometimes mandatory, but mostly just strongly suggested so that the deadlines are met. Most of the persons that I work with work 50-60 hours per week during the weeks just before the monthly deadlines, working 1-2 Saturdays as well. Morale is so low that it is palpable. Personally, I can’t make myself go in on a regular basis for a 40 hour work week, let alone work any extra. Up to this time I have always met my responsibilities and had excellent evaluations. That time has come to an end.
The solution, back to the Doctors I go, and prescribed the original dosage of anti-depressant with an added anti-anxiety drug, and a commonly used drug for stomach upset caused by excess acid, blood tests, x-rays and an ultrasound. Prescription drugs are supposed to make me love my job I guess? Now I can go back to work and continue to support who? Should I continue to support the economy, a mountain of debt, a Husband that makes plenty of money for both of us? No reason to be a stay at home Mom as now the kids are gone. It would be considered selfish of me to want to stay home at this point, just to be a Homemaker for my Husband, when I should be working towards our retirement. Maybe I can be there for the Grandchildren that both of my girls say they are not going to have. They both believe the world is too cruel, and they would be selfish to purposely bring more children into it.
Take it from me Moms, if you can stay at home, do so! Figure out a way to make money without leaving, and raise your children so that they are not physically, emotionally and mentally abused by others. If you are not at home, you may not be able to see all the dangers of the world that can attack them. If you are at home, it can still happen, but do you think it is as likely? At least you would know that you did everything in your power to protect them.
Your health is at stake, when you go against your instincts, personal desires or against what you believe is your life’s purpose. There is a lot of guilt incurred when you are convinced that if you had been there for your children, they would not have been victimized. But, not to worry, I’m sure there is a pill for that as well.