MANCHESTER, N.H. — Vermin Supreme, the self-described “friendly fascist” who ran on a platform of mandatory dental hygiene and a pony for everyone, came in third in the New Hampshire Democratic primary.
According to the state’s Secretary of State, Supreme racked up 829 votes for 1.4 percent of the vote, just 117 votes less than environmentalist Ed Cowan, who was the runner-up to Barack Obama. That was 380 more votes than Randall Terry, the anti-abortion activist who had a public falling out with his gay son, whom Vermin sprinkled with pixie dust at a lesser-known candidates forum at St. Anselm College.
Supreme claimed Jesus told him to glitter bomb Terry in order to transform him into a homosexual, according to the Union Leader.
Performance
The gray-bearded candidate, who can best be described as a performance artist, satirist and political activist, wears a distinctive outfit of a lime green jacket and multiple neck ties. He often wears a green plastic Hulk fist holding an American flag as a cod piece.
What is most distinct about Vermin Supreme’s appearance is his headgear: a large black rubber boot known as a wader. His campaign slogan is, “A vote for me is a vote truly wasted.”
Armed with a bullhorn, he popped up early for a Rick Santorum rally at a Manchester restaurant and took over the podium. “My name is Vermin Supreme. I am a friendly fascist. I am a tyrant that you can trust and you should let me run your life as I know what’s best for you,” he explained.
“As you know, all politicians are, in fact vermin. I am the Vermin Supreme, and that is why I am the most qualified candidate in this race at this time.”
He then cut to the heart of the matter.
“Yes I am a politician. I will lie to you because as I have no reason not to. I will promise you anything your electoral heart desires because you are my constituents — you are the informed voting public — and because I have no intention of keeping any promise that I make.”
Third’s A Charm
This was the third-place candidate’s third crack at the Democratic nomination, though only his second appearance in the New Hampshire primary, which featured 14 Democratic candidates this year.
Supreme first ran for the Oval Office in 2004, in Washington, D.C.’s Democratic primary. He first threw his boot into the ring in New Hampshire in ’08, but compared to his 2012 finish, the outcome was disappointing. The 2008 Democratic primary featured Obama, Hillary Clinton, John Edwards, Bill Richardson and Dennis Kucinich.
He took only 41 votes in that tough contest, perhaps because he sported a less-attractive galoshes-style boot rather than his impressive wader of 2012. He even ran in the general election, garnering 43 votes nationally, according to the Federal Elections Commission.
With the Democratic field again wide open in 2016, Vernon Supreme’s horizons are endless. Makers of oral hygiene products and breeders of ponies will rejoice.