I am a Weight Watchers survivor. Yes, I have graduated from the school of points maths, and my encyclopaedic knowledge of that little blue book is legendary amongst friends. It’s a skill, I tell you. If ever I was on Mastermind, I’d blow the competition out of the water.
I have successfully lost my weight, and kept it off (except for the rogue yo-yo five pounds that seem to be really fond of me). So I feel quite well qualified on this subject, that and the fact that I can tell you exactly how many points are in pretty much any food you throw at me, oh and drinks too (by the way, if you’re on this points counting lark, steer clear of Smirnoff Ice, it’s the devil in a bottle).
So from my before and after stand point, what has struck me most is the way people treat you post-shrinkage compared to how you were before.
I guess I’d better start by telling you my story.
I was a big girl, to put it mildly. I was described as ‘bonny’ when I was younger. Me being a bit off with the fairies thought this was a compliment back then, but no, it was a nice way of saying ‘awww, she’s very round isn’t she?’ From a young age I was a big girl, and I was bullied at school. Now whether this was because of my size, I don’t know, I don’t think it helped because it made me more of a target. Because of this I was shy, introverted and didn’t have many friends. I kept myself to myself and didn’t mix too much, which just made matters worse. I was never one of the ‘in’ kids; a lot of people didn’t even know my name.
Yes I know, it’s sad isn’t it? I don’t mean to fish for pats on the head or nice comments honest, although you can if you want, it’s just quite important for the story. Anyway, I’ll carry on.
Although not at all as bad, this trend pretty much carried on into my early 20’s. I was the funny one by this point, never the pretty one, never the trendy one, never the stylish one, but just the funny one, and the one who was a good friend. I’m proud of that though, it’s never a bad thing being a good mate and being funny is a skill, right? But I wouldn’t be human if I said the lack of friends, relationships and total non-existence of a love life didn’t bother me.
So what changed? Well not the non-existence of a love life clearly, but that’s another story. I was asked to be a bridesmaid. I saw the photos after the wedding and the image I saw is forever stuck on the inside of my eyelids. I didn’t like it. I mean, yeah, my friend, the bride, was stick thin and being stood next to a beautiful bride, who also happens to be a twiglet, is not going to make anyone look slender or attractive. There’s no amount of St Tropez spray tan or heavy duty underwear that is ever going to hide that amount of wobble. Add to that the fact that my joints were taking a hammering and screaming for relief, a problem weight does not help, and something inside me snapped. It was time to change.
So the points counting began and slowly the weight came off, also thanks to my rather excellent attendance at aerobics class, but that was nothing whatsoever to do with my crush on the instructor, nothing at all …..
Over three years, a slow and steady journey, I lost four and a half stones. I put half back on because my face started to look like I was constantly sucking on a lemon; I’m not meant to be that much of a twiglet.
It wasn’t only my weight that changed, but my confidence sky rocketed too and I’d gone from never being out of the house, to never actually being in it. Suddenly it wasn’t a bad thing to be talking to me, people didn’t cross the road …. actually no, I’m joking, it wasn’t that bad, but people who didn’t even seem to know I existed before, suddenly began talking to me and looking at me in a way that they certainly never did before. Suddenly I was getting attention and hell, I liked it. That good looking bloke I’d eyeballed from a distance for years was suddenly smiling and saying hello, and after I’d turned around a few times to check he wasn’t smiling and speaking to someone behind me, I realised that yes, he was indeed speaking to me! Wow, that had never happened before.
Unfortunately, the downside of this is that inevitably you get the people who don’t seem to realise that just because you are now half the size you were before, it doesn’t really necessitate them talking about you as though you have been reborn and are now someone completely different. You begin to realise that really people can be very shallow, and that is one of the sad parts of this self-transformation. For some unknown reason they think it’s okay to mock the person you were before. You begin to realise that it really is all about how you feel inside. But at first none of this bothered me, because I was thin! The world was a better place! Everything was wonderful and birds were tweeting around my head like something out of a Disney film!
Then over time reality really sinks in.
You start to really think about it, and wonder, why is it okay to speak to me now? Am I suddenly acceptable because I can fit into a size 12? Does that make me a better person? No it bloody well doesn’t. I’m the same person I was back then, just someone who has grown in confidence and strength because of the hard work that was involved in actually losing that weight. People don’t give you the credit you deserve. The decision and the effort that goes into it is hard, and to date I still mark my weight loss as my biggest achievement to date. It will take some beating.
I am fiercely proud of my achievement but the downside of it is that it has made me somewhat obsessive about points counting. I now seem to have this internal calculator that I didn’t need to pay Ã’Ò£5 at a meeting for. I think this is a common side effect of dieting, because when you lose weight like I did, you are on a diet for life, it’s a lifestyle change that has to go on. I’m not lucky like some, I can’t eat like a pig, sneeze a few times and poof, the calories have magically disappeared! I have to work at staying the size I am, and it’s hard work. In my head, I will always be bigger. I think this is a common side effect too, I think to a tiny degree, everyone has a little bit of body dysmorphia. But I’m pleased to say that my life is no longer dictated by whether I have put on a pound or lost one. Yeah it’s nice when you lose one, I’m only human, but before it would have ruined my day, now I just don’t eat chocolate for a day and walk a bit more, and poof, it’s gone! It’s all about balance, you see.
So whilst you might think that weight loss will be the answer to all your prayers, think about it for a bit. Will fitting into that size 10 pair of jeans make you happy for longer than the few minutes after you zip them up? Alright yeah, it might stretch to a few hours, but really, in cold harsh reality, will those size 10 jeans make your life fulfilled? I hate to sound like something out of Jerry Springer or one of those god-awful American talk shows, but that kind of happiness only comes from self acceptance, and that dear reader, really is the holy grail, and no amount of points counting is gonna get you there!