“Researchers from the Stanford University School of Medicine have taken a first step toward developing a diagnostic tool that could eliminate a major hurdle in pain medicine — the dependency on self-reporting to measure the presence or absence of pain. The new tool would use patterns of brain activity to give an objective physiologic assessment of whether someone is in pain.”
Let me step in here and offer my advice. Although I have no medical training, I didn’t even take first aid when I was a Cub Scout and if you have a heart attack in front of me, well you are pretty much dead.
In fact, my entire range of medical expertise basically boils down to “Take a few shots of bourbon and you will be fine.” I am not quite sure that advice will land me in the Medical Hall of Fame but there is a strong possibility it could land me in jail, because I often give that advice to major airline pilots.
But I don’ think it takes a genius to develop a diagnostic tool for pain. In fact, I have just compiled one without the help of major research grants. Here is a pain chart doctors can use. Just pick the numbers that best describe your pain.
1. Is it as painful as someone kicking you in the balls? 2. Is it as painful as someone twisting your nipples with pliers? 3. Is it as painful as taking a sander to any private part? 4. Is it as painful as watching Obama “improve” the economy? 5. Is it as painful as watching a Michelle Bachman or Sarah Palin speech? 6. Is it as painful as prying out your wisdom teeth with a steak knife and no anesthetic? 7. Is it as painful as reading this list? 8. Is it as painful as setting your hair on fire? 9. Is it as painful as finding your brother-in-law yet another job? 10. Is it as painful as French kissing a monkey? 11. Is it as painful as being a Cubs fan? 12. Is it as painful as swallowing cactus needles? 13. Is it as painful as a wedding anniversary? 14. Is it as painful as reading the magazines in my waiting room? 15. Is it as painful as shampooing with bubble gum and then trying to untangle it? 16. Is it as painful as trusting your teenage son with your new car? 17. Is it as painful as watching Congress make a decision? 18. Is it as painful as swallowing a crunchy, yet tasty, cockroach? 19. Is it as painful as a needle in your eye? 20. Is it as painful as five hangnails all on the same hand? 21. Is it as painful as listening to rap music? 22. Is it as painful as getting hit upside the head with a two by four? 23. Is it as painful as getting hit in your knees by the Mafia. 24. Is it as painful as eating broccoli? 25. Is it as painful as brass knuckle sandwich?
Stanford University Medical Center (2011, September 14). Does that hurt? Objective way to measure pain being developed. ScienceDaily. Retrieved September 14, 2011, from http://www.sciencedaily.com /releases/2011/09/110913172623.htm