There are things that “homers” want for the holidays, and then there are things that true fans want. True fans want those things that indicate true quality (and, in this economy, a possible appreciation in value), regardless of team “affiliation.” After all, “your” team doesn’t pay you, does it? Obviously, stadium vendors are excepted here. (Way to go, guys! Good job. You probably can’t afford some of these items, but then, you’re likely semi-retired or working a summer job in college, so just take care of yourselves.)
The following gifts are worthwhile this year, in order of current value and actual availability on the market – meaning, you likely can’t get one of those three home run balls that Albert Pujols hit in Game 3 of the World Series, but if you have money to burn…
ITEM NUMBER ONE: Pujols’ replica jersey with the ’11 World Series patch on the sleeve. In addition to comprising the best shirt-front in baseball, and Albert’s number and name, you will have a replica of the shirt Pujols wore when he tied Babe Ruth and Reggie Jackson for World Series HRs in a game. Moreover, if Albert actually leaves St. Louis, the shirt will increase in value, but you’ll probably have to sell it before 2014. It’s up to you to remember, amid frauds, whether Al hit those homers at home or on the road. (You were sorta drunk, huh?)
#2: An Aaron Rodgers replica jersey (with all the stitched-on numbers and name, not that iron-on nonsense.) Let’s face it, the guy’s very good. If fact, he’s so good, he can star in a self-effacing ad for [firm redacted] that mocks his “touchdown dance” in a way meant to make us believe that his dance has been co-opted by [firm redacted]. Most complicated, obscure to non-football fans, but the guy’s still good.
#3: Bud Selig’s resignation. Sorry. I couldn’t resist.
#4: A jersey as clever as one a fraternity at my school is selling. It reads: “USP FOOTBALL: UNDEFEATED SINCE 1821.” The University of the Sciences in Philadelphia has never had a football team, and if you don’t appreciate that joke, we would remind you that our Rifle Team is ranked up there with Navy, and that our kids don’t seem to have much of a sense of humor. I’ve had a couple in class.
#5: A Michael Young jersey/t-shirt of any sort: The second best hitter of the last ten years, if you define hitting as putting the ball in play and average, behind Ichiro. A helluva player, albeit still semi-anonymous.
#6: Anything Tim Tebow… what-ever. Doubtless these items are related to your heart-warming affection for the young man and his devout style of football. Good luck with that. You might Google or otherwise net-search Busts in the NFL. Strictly for the hyper-religious with money to burn.
#7 (stocking stuffer): Any printed indicator (a news clipping, perhaps) that Tim McCarver is retiring from broadcasting. When Tim started blabbing on my TV years ago, he seemed to have something to say, but he’s been on autopilot for-like-ever now, to paraphrase Cher Horowitz, and really, wouldn’t Alicia Silverstone’s character actually be better? Be honest. (“Joe, those high stockings with all those stripes are just all wrong for Mr. Dotel, for real.”) I just can’t take any more of Tim’s analytical nuggets like: “Well, as some viewers may not know, Joe, the batter’s out when the infield fly rule is invoked, and the runners can’t advance.” There’s never been a guy in the history of broadcasting who has felt so compelled to educate those who have no clue, but for some reason, turn on the MLB playoffs or World Series.
#8 (stocking stuffer): Any souvenir from the November 5th PPV fight between Jose Canseco and Lenny Dykstra. As a friend often texts: “You couldn’t make these people up.”
#9 (stocking stuffer for that Tebow crowd): A 1990 mint-condition Tommy Herr, Score baseball card inscribed “Tom Herr / John 3:16.” I have one. Make an offer.
#10 (stocking stuffer): That Steelers ball cap with the throwback logo of the steel worker punting off a suspended girder. The team was awful when that logo was used, and some of us who suffered through that deserve to wear the damned thing.