Throughout human history, most societies have classified two genders: one sure and strong, and the other reserved and modest. This has almost always been seen as male and female. The last thirty years, however, have seen the roles reversed, and its time for our society to quit repressing one gender for another and let all be sure and strong. Its time to bring back short shorts for men.
At no other time in history have men been covered more than women: at its most basic, men wore loincloths, and women a one piece for breast and loins. The Muslims clothed their women in burqas, and the Victorians arguably clothed their women in more layers of clothes than any other society ever. How is it then that modern society did a complete about face and now women walk around with sports bras and short shorts while men are relegated to wearing “shorts” that go half way down your calf and big baggy shirts?
I was discussing this with my girlfriend and some friends over coffee, and as the conversation wore on, the reason became clear: misogyny, or the hatred/dislike of females. When the women’s rights movement took off in the ’70’s, women demanded to be treated as equals, and started dressing like men (who at the time wore short shorts). Over time more and more women cast off their layers, and as they did so more and more men started wearing longer, baggier clothes. Short shorts and clothes that actually fit were associated with being gay, and gays were seen as emasculated males, and thus wearing short shorts made you look like an emasculated man and thereby a female.
Of course the ridiculous thing about all of this is that instead of making females equal to wear whatever they wanted (which they now can… even men’s underwear or “boy’s briefs” are sold in women’s sections), but now the genders are not equal to choose as men are relegated to wearing long, baggy clothes… the modern male burqa of our society.
My girlfriend and friends agreed to conduct a little experiment this Spring, Summer, and Fall. Us guys would do a complete about face and wear clothes that fit, and short shorts. The results were incredible!
As we got started we immediately started learning some do’s and dont’s of actually making this work:
Lesson 1. Don’t buy women’s sizes.
Sounds obvious, but I challenge you to go into a national chain retail store and find short shorts for men. We tried the next obvious choice, women’s sizes. And the results were bad. In addition to not fitting and not actually have a crotch in the shorts for your manhood (ouch!) it had a couple of other issues. First, womens zippers are reversed for men. Just try reaching for your fly and find out you have to use your left hand to do it when you are used to your right. Not really a big problem, but a bit annoying if you’re in a hurry. Second, the cut is not made for a man. The hips are just too wide. Men’s clothing needs a larger crotch (think more fabric front to back through the legs) where as women’s cut needs bigger hips (more fabric around the hip side to side) which leaves means if you get something big enough to actually not smash yourself down there, you have a huge amount of extra fabric around the top. Finally, low rise shorts just don’t work on guys. That style cut is just made for wider hips, and again, men are wider across the crotch and not the hip
Lesson 2. Buy athletic
Cross country track and rugby shorts worked right away. They are cut for men, and you don’t end up racking yourself every time you sat down. But unless you are a teenager or a complete workout nut job, most adult men don’t really want to wear track shorts all the time. Which leads us to the next lesson.
Lesson 3. Cut off
Anyone who was a kid in the ’70s or ’80s remembers these. When your pants got too tore up, you cut off the legs and they became shorts. The method still works today, with some basic modifications. First, you can’t just run out to Old Navy and get guys’ jeans and then cut off the legs. Most jeans sold at stores like Old Navy are low rise, that is to say, they sit on your hip. But classic fit jeans are absolutely golden. It actually sits on your waist (the part between your lower mid back and to your belly button) and does not sag. That is critical… buy clothes that sit on your waist, and not your hip, or you are going to totally look like a guy trying to wear a girls’ cut of clothes (and it is not comfortable, besides). How far to cut? I found that the following to work swimmingly: lay the pants out flat. From the inseam of the crotch, hold the four fingers of your hand together and measure down. It should be about 3-4 inches. Thats the place to cut. This provides the best amount of leg length for plenty of movement while not looking like you’re a street walker.
Lesson 4. Your girlfriend will get jealous
I was a little apprehensive at first about wearing short shorts. Would people look at me funny? Actually I was surprised to have the exact opposite happen. I was being checked out all the time. Young, old, and in between. Little old ladies suddenly wanted to talk to me all the time and ask me what classes I was taking that semester. It seemed like I couldn’t walk 50 feet without catching another girl staring balls out straight at my crotch. It felt good… really good! I had never felt like a stud, but all the sudden I was an object of desire. At first my girlfriend was not happy because she noticed it too, but then she came to like it and kind of got a rise by showing me off. As the summer wore on my legs got nice and tan and I noticed she got a lot more interested in the basic act of touch; let me tell you guys, having a woman run her hands over your thighs is a good thing.
The key to success was following the steps I learned above to actually wear men’s cut sizes of clothing. My girlfriend even took some of my cut off shorts home on the long weekend and hemmed them with her mom, which looked great. The thing I was most surprised about though was all my guy friends. I thought I would seem gay to them (I know, that makes me sound like a jerk, but its just where I am in getting through my own insecurity. All my gay friends know I like them just as they are) but instead it was just hanging out as usual. Some of them even asked me about it and started doing the same thing. I never fancied myself a trend setter, but each one of my friends who switched to short shorts said the same thing: it drives women wild. I finally understood why my mom liked seeing the UPS man… she was checking him out in his short shorts.
So guys, take the plunge. Once you start wearing shorts shorts, you won’t want to go back. Unless having women undress you with their eyes every five minutes makes you feel, well… demure.