Supremely dedicated to the South’s cause, General Buford Boswell Beauregard found his way into history not by his praiseworthy acts of heroism on the battlefield but rather by initiating unconventional campaigns (often due to an oversight) which distracted the Union Army and led to their defeat. Indeed, several noteworthy victories in key battles of the Civil War are credited to none other than the General himself.
Buford earned the dubious nickname “Butterfingers” following the South’s crushing victory over the Union Army in the Battle of Owhatsittome at Kennesaw Mountain on November 21, 1862. The General gallantly rode his steed up the mountain before cheering troops, proudly brandishing the Confederate flag in one hand and his sword in the other when a rattlesnake spooked his horse that reared up on its hind legs causing the flag and his sword to slip from his hands and fly through the air backwards. Unfortunately, both the “Blood Stained Banner” and his mighty blade landed and took root in the chest of his colleague, General Thomas “Shish-kabob” Kent. It was later believed the snake had been planted there by the enemy.
Born in Odessa, Texas, legend has it that Buford could ride bareback before he could walk, and rope a steer before he could talk. He honed his skills while attending the Jasper Jousting Military Academy in Valley, Alabama, where he graduated ‘win, place, and show’ along with his trusty mount, Thor. His horsemanship was said to be second to none and he won numerous events including reining, endurance riding, vaulting, polo, and equestrian hopscotch.
Shortly after “dropping the plow and picking up the gun,” Buford met his wife to be from Haddonfield, New Jersey. She took him to her bosom and he took her back to Alabama where he furthered his education in Creative Warfare and Inspired Annihilation.
Excelling in academia was a struggle for Buford, but what he failed to accomplish in Bludgeoning 101, he made up for while attending his Innovation on the Battle Field classes. Riding into battle backwards and side-saddle to cover the left, right, and rear flanks, was a maneuver that totally confounded the North, who ultimately paid dearly when they could not determine the proper direction to launch their counter attack.
During the Battle of Corncob, Beauregard’s specially ordered inflated rubber saddles (originally designed for the comfort of the troops on interminably long journeys), caused the Confederates’ 497th Calvary to bounce uncontrollably, impeding their aim but making them virtually impossible to hit. The South’s assault was a complete success, as also was the Second Battle of Corncob which Beauregard initiated, despite the fact that the Union troops were prepared for the assault this time with rubber-mounted gun barrels that would theoretically follow the track of their bouncy southern targets.
It seems the inflated saddles employed an inferior grade of rubber which quickly dry rotted and cracked by the time the second battle got underway the following week. Each time the riders came down on their saddles, the air within escaped suddenly, causing flatulent sounds similar in nature to the newly invented whoopee cushion. Uncontaing laughter issued forth from the Northerners as General Beauregard and his “Fearless Farters” triumphed once again, and the North surrendered unconditionally.
No life is without tragedy and the General was never the same when, after the war, his beloved wife, Elvira Madison-Beauregard of the New Jersey Madisons, was convicted of ‘espionage and cavorting with the Union Army’. “Hanky-Panky with a Yankee” was a serious offense, and although Elvira was fortunate enough to escape the noose, she never escaped from New Jersey.