“Dancing with the Stars” 2011’s Fall season premiered with a snap, crackle, pop on September 19, and ended with two previously underrated stars sharing the top spot on the judges’ leaderboard. Here’s a complete recap, brimming with detail and plenty of gratuitous (but fun!) commentary from this long-time “DWTS” fan.
Host Tom Bergeron and his newlywed partner Brooke Burke-Charvet got things rolling quickly with the official season 13 cast introduction. The brand spankin’ new field of legitimate Mirrorball Trophy hopefuls and their ha-ha-my-grandma’s-more- likely-to-win-than-you-are compadres descended into the snazy, multilevel all-new ballroom via the brand new central staircase for the first time. Like “DWTS” contestants of the past they did the usual shimmy, shimmy, shake, shake, wink at the camera stuff as the camera panned by, and then with no further ado, Tom introduced the first dance of the season, which belonged to none other than LA Laker star Ron Artest –more recently known by the whitebread name Metta World Peace– and new “Dancing” pro hoofer Peta Murgatroyd. (Tom said that Ron decided to dance as “Ron” instead of Metta this week. I think it’s because “Peta” and “Metta” sound stupid together. But that’s just me.)
During the couple’s pre-dance segment, Ron vowed to “make a statement” on the dancefloor. He said that his inspiration to compete came from his daughter Diamond, who survived childhood cancer. Aw, well, that’s admirable. Peta said that Ron’s biggest ballroom problems were that “he’s tall and he’s stiff”. Ron fully expected people to laugh at him, but vowed to get comfy in the ballroom.
I laughed –hard– at the beginning of their Cha Cha, especially when he took his hat off and showed a Dennis Rodman ‘do. But after a few seconds of shakin’ it, I realized that he actually has a little bit of rhythm. And a whole lotta flamboyant charm. Head judge Len Goodman said it “lacked cha cha content” and called the footwork “atrocious”. He dubbed it “all sizzle and no sausage”. Wow, harsh. With one dance down, he’s re-earned the title of Crankypants. Whoosh! Italian stallion Bruno Tonioli was kinder in his evaluation, declaring “Ron the dance-a-tron has landed with power and flair” and encouraging him to work on his technique. Carrie Ann Inaba called him “eccentric and kinda sexy” and declared him season 13’s “wild one”. She conceded that it was technically “wrong”, but praised the high “fun factor”. Ron Artest and Peta Murgatroyd’s “Dancing with the Stars” 2011 premiere week scores: 5, 4, 5 = 14. Ouch.
The second celeb to hit the ballroom on premiere night was reality star Rob Kardashian, who hoped to “boost my confidence and step out of the shadow of” big sisters Kim, Khloe and Kourtney. He also hoped that partner Cheryl Burke would help him do better than sis Kim did a few seasons ago. Looks like they have some, er, interesting chemistry.
Rob looked all kinds of dapper in his suit, standing there in the ballroom ready to Viennese Waltz the night away. But then he started dancing. It wans’t atrocious, per se; after all, this IS the show that hosted the likes of Master P and Mike “the Situation” Sorrentino. I’ll just say that he’s no Gilles Marini, but he could last a few weeks, if only on the merit of that megawatt smile. Bruno declared “you danced that waltz like you were under strict orders to succeed” and likened him to “a little duckling petrified”. He encouraged him to let go and feel the music and declared “you’ve got to relax”. Carrie Ann disagreed, telling him “when I watch you I see potential”. Len said “I’m not impressed but I’m not depressed” and called it “too careful”. He admonished Rob to just “come out and dance”. Rob Kardashian and Cheryl Burke’s “Dancing with the Stars” 2011 week 1 scores: 6, 5, 5 = 16.
But Rob isn’t the sole reality star signed up to hoof it on “DWTS” Fall 2011. Nope. “The Hills” star Kristin Cavallari was up next with partner Mark Ballas. She appropriately began her taped segment by assuring viewers “I am NOT a bitch”. Bwahaha. She hoped to “show everybody the real me and have a good time in the ballroom”. She called the competition “a breath of fresh air” for her following the end of her relationship with Jay Cutler. Mark noted that Kristin has actual dance talent, and pushed her hard with good scores on the brain.
Not surprisingly, Kristin brought sexy to the ballroom in her fringed black and silver number. But her Cha Cha looked a little tentative. I think, like Mark does, that she has major potential, but she didn’t bring it as well as she could’ve. Carrie Ann declared “you have the body to dance girlfriend” and said “I’m excited, I want to watch you dance more and more and more”. She said “you shine and sparkle” and praised her for keeping up with Mark’s choreography but told her not to shuffle her feet too much. Len called it “bright” and “lively” but criticized her for going “into your shell a little bit” during the performance. Bruno said “you know I love a bad girl… with hot hips that can give hot action and I know you’ve got the full package to give that action” but had criticisms, telling her work on her turns and noting that she needs to really work on “cleanliness and precision”. Kristin Cavallari and Mark Ballas’ “Dancing with the Stars” season 13 week 1 scores: 7, 6, 6 = 19.
Viennese Waltz was the word for singer Chynna Phillips and her partner Tony Dovolani. Chynna’s husband Billy Baldwin encouraged her to do the show, and she was excited to get started. But then rehearsals proved a challenge, and she ended her segment by declaring “if my brain doesn’t start communicating with my feet somebody’s gonna get hurt” coupled with a kick to Tony’s crotch. Oops.
I way, way, way (did I say way?) underestimated Chynna during my preseason rantings, during which I, in simple terms, expected her to suck the big one. Her waltz had a lovely, elegant and balletic quality and for the most part, her movements flowed very nicely. She may still fall victim to the 80’s Star Screw, but it was good and she gets serious props for cranking out quality during week one! Len called it “close” to the best first dance he’d ever seen on the show. Bruno declared “you looked like you were stepping out of a dream and into my heart” but noted a little bit of unsteadiness. He finished with “the talent is there my darling”. Carrie Ann called it “gorgeous”, “perfection” and “magical”, and looked forward to week 2. Chynna Phillips and Tony Dovolani’s “Dancing with the Stars” 2011 premiere scores: 8, 7, 7 = 22. Well-deserved. I’m eating my crow. And I’ll be listening to Wilson Phillips’ “Hold On” to pay pennance for my grievous error.
“I just wanna have fun and show my three-year old twins that mommy can dance” was the goal of the next celeb up to dance, legal analyst Nancy Grace. In one of the premiere’s most unfair moves, she teamed up with “DWTS” noob Tristan MacManus for… a Cha Cha. During rehearsals Nancy made fun of Tristan’s speech and Tristan tried to get her to be sexy. Oooh, this could be interesting.
Nancy seemed to get a little lost with the choreography early on. And in the middle of the dance. And she looked a bit tentative. But hey, it wasn’t a total disaster. She had some darn decent shimmies in there and she looked like she had a good time to boot. Bruno coyly called her “lavishly gifted” and then they cut to an awkward shot of her 3-year old daughter picking her nose. He said she’s “got the moves” but “you don’t seem to believe in yourself” and encouraged her to get into it. Carrie Ann called her “the happiest contestant I’ve ever seen out there dancing” and appreciated her “spunk and sass” but admonished her for forgetting her choreography. Len said it was “neat and precise” but lacking in “flair and attack” and told her to find balance. The audience booed. Carrie Ann argued. Ah, the sweetness of “DWTS”. I’ve missed you so. Nancy Grace and Tristan MacManus’ “Dancing with the Stars” week 1 scores: 5, 5, 6 = 16.
Actor and producer David Arquette and his partner Kym Johnson kept things going with a Viennese Waltz. During rehearsals, David told Kym that he was doing the show in order to be “present” and “connected”. He was excited to do the waltz, which he called “like having an amusement park in your heart”, and vowed to “do my best impression of a person doing a Viennese Waltz”.
David looked awesome, though showed a bit too much firing squad fear on his face. It was a surprisingly powerful Viennese Waltz, lacking a bit in the gentle grace that the style usually employs, but hey, at least he has energy. And he had fun with it. And Courteney Cox and Coco seemed to approve. Carrie Ann appreciated his “beautiful vulnerability” and told him to “relax a little” in his quest to “impress my brother Len here”. Len appreciated how they “came straight out into the dance” and was “very very impressed” with what he saw. Bruno said “you did look the part of the romantic leading man and the goddess ready to be worshipped” and then got “entangled” in her and lost. He encouraged David to view dance like a movie role and to stick with the character of each one instead of flitting between different modes. David Arquette and Kym Johnson’s “Dancing with the Stars” Fall 2011 week one scores: 6, 6, 6 = 18.
The Battle of the Chmerkovskiy Brothers commenced next with Italian personality Elisabetta Canalis and little bro Val Chmerkovskiy. When the pair met, Val told her that “my job is to make you the winner and your job is to make me look better than Maks”. Val appreciated her potential, but noted that the language barrier was a big one. Elisabetta eschewed the language issues, vowing to speak only “the Cha Cha” during week one’s performance night.
Well, she’s certainly smokin’. She has awesome extensions and great flexibility. But she, like many of the celebs who danced earlier, seemed a bit tentative and lacking in confidence. I never have sky-high expectations for models on “DWTS”, but still, she was a little more disappointing than I’d expected. Maybe she’s still smarting a bit over George Clooney. Len disliked the beginning of the dance, which featured a bed. He liked it for a while, but then said it got “brittle”. Bruno “liked the bed” and said that she didn’t “have the confidence” to command her own performance. He encouraged her to work “very very hard”. Carrie Ann told her to “channel the model in you” and be strong with the music. Elisabetta Canalis and Val Chmerkovskiy’s “Dancing with the Stars” week 1 scores: 5, 5, 5 = 15.
Part deux of the Chmerkovskiy battle followed moments later, with soccer star Hope Solo and Maksim Chmerkovskiy hitting the ballroom floor. When they met, Hope worried that she was too much of a “stiff athlete” to dance and called herself “not the walk like a model type”. After sharing some rehearsal time, Maks didn’t disagree. But man alive, they have some seriously entertaining chemistry. They’ll be fun to watch, even if the dancing is disastrous.
Hope and Maks’ Viennese Waltz did, shockingly, have a nice flow to it. Grace, even. Though her movements seemed awfully giant at times; awfully “I am woman, hear me roar and feel me know you over with my huge muscled arms”. And she almost fell during a turn. And she made some really weird faces sometimes. But still, they’re utterly charming together. Smoochies. Bruno appreciated her “drive, attack and musicality” and told her to work on “control”. Carrie Ann loved their hold and body contact and appreciated how they’d been “connected like glue”. (Woohoo!) She cautioned her against “muscling” things. Len also liked the hold, posture and movement, but asked for more femininity in her movements. Hope Solo and Maksim Chmerkovskiy’s “Dancing with the Stars” week 1 scores: 7, 7, 7 = 21.
Premiere night rolled on with fashion expert Carson Kressley and Anna Trebunskaya. Anna was excited to do the Cha Cha during week one, calling the high-energy style a good match for her energetic partner. Carson admitted to not being the “most coordinated person” and quipped that he “put the C in caucasian” but he promised to put in some serious effort.
Carson looked hella awkward out there, but he is an a-may-zing entertainer. The Cha Cha was painful from a technical standpoint but the fun value was unmatched and woohoo-worthy. Carrie Ann called it “my favorite dance of the night by far” and loved “all the sparkle that’s happening around you”. Len said “there was elements of jagger, stagger and swagger” and hoped that Carson wouldn’t be first to get the boot. Bruno called it “full out outrageous fun” and “two for the price of one and worth every dollar”. Carson Kressley and Anna Trebunskaya’s scores: 6, 5, 6 = 17.
“All My Children” star and veteran JR Martinez was up next with a Viennese Waltz on the arm of Karina Smirnoff. The war hero shared his positive attitude right off the bat when the two met, asserting that the path he’d taken had led him to “this moment to be right here with you”. Man, I don’t like crying when I watch TV but he got me!
From the beginning bars of their “Breakaway” dance, JR and Karina had a beautiful, intense chemistry and moved so well together. What a lovely couple they make. I am, once again, eating crow for assuming a contestant wouldn’t dance well. Len called it “just right” and said he’d see them next week. Bruno praised his courage and sense of humor and said he couldn’t wait to see him to Latin dances with his hot hips. Carrie Ann said “I was absolutely touched by your performance” and loved how he’d had the confidence to bring emotional quality to his dance week one. JR Martinez and Karina Smirnoff’s “DWTS” season 13 week one scores: 8, 7, 7 = 22.
The next couple to hit the ballroom featured a talk show host and The Hough. That’s right: Ricki Lake and prodigal dancer Derek Hough. Ricki hoped to get “my slammin’ body back” and said that season 12 runner-up Kirstie Alley had inspired her to compete.
Like Chynna Phillips’ ealier Viennese Waltz, Ricki’s was also nice and flowy. Of course, I expected a good dance from charmed man Derek. Bruno called her “the cat that got the cream” and enjoyed the performance. Carrie Ann said “you looked like a little princess out there and Derek is your perfect prince” and loved how they “finished each other’s moves”. Len didn’t care for her footwork, but appreciated her fluidity and said he enjoyed it “very much”. Ricki Lake and Derek Hough’s “Dancing with the Stars” week 1 scores: 7, 6, 7 = 20.
With eleven couples down, the season’s most controversial contestant and his partner finished the evening with a Cha Cha. Activist Chaz Bono and Lacey Schwimmer enjoyed what he termed “amazing” chemistry during rehearsals, though Chaz labored hard to master the dance.
Hey, he has some musicality. I guess that should be a given since he’s Sonny and Cher’s child, duh. It was fun and pretty darn fast, and his footwork was on-point. Not a bad first time out in the ballroom. Carrie Ann declared “you can dance!” and praised his footwork as “sharp and precise”. Len loved Chaz’s attitude and called it a job “well done”. Bruno called him “cheeky but so cute and cuddly” and loved his “joyous” demeanor and his timing. Backstage, he admitted to Brooke that the competition was “challenging” but that “I’m having the time of my life”. Chaz Bono and Lacey Schwimmer’s week one scores: 6, 5, 6 = 17.
So that’s it for the first performance night of season 13. I’m all-but stunned to find a pair of heavily underrated celebs –Chynna Phillips and JR Martinez– sharing the top spot on the leaderboard, but only a wackadoodle would think they hadn’t earned their dancing stripes. They should both survive to dance again, hands down. And Hope Solo? Who the heck knew chica could dance like that? Were I a betting gal, I’d guess that Elisabetta Canalis is in danger of getting the boot and putting the kibosh on Val’s quest for Chmerkovskiy dominance. But goodness knows I’ve been wrong before so I’ll have yet another plate of yummy crow waiting for me after the first celeb gets the official boot.
Watch the “Dancing with the Stars” Fall 2011 week 1 results show Tuesday at 9 PM on ABC to see how it all goes down. Or you can just check in with me. You know I’ll be watching.