I came out in to my family on Thanksgiving Day in 2002 after a four year tour in the US Army. At the time, the pressure of living a double life was all consuming, hindering me from living a full filling life in which I thought I deserved. I think all I hoped for as a result was that I would be able to live a completely open life with my then boyfriend; bring him to family events and incorporate him into my everyday life. But what has happened over these many years defies my wildest imaginings. Gays have been allowed to serve openly in the military here in the United States. Same-sex marriage which wasn’t on anybody’s to-do list is now a reality in several states as well as civil unions in a number of others. Health benefits, inheritance rights, joint adoptions, etc. are a reality in many places across the country.
Being and African-American gay male, it is refreshing to hear community leaders incorporate both of my minority-ships in their rhetoric for equality. It warms my hear as well as calms my fears when our current president, though not publicly endorsing same-sex marriage, stands firm with protecting the rights of gays and lesbians the same as African-Americans. And it sooths my soul to know that not too far down the line, whoever I choose to spend the rest of my life with, will be able to partake in some of my veterans benefits, which they were formally not able to do.
Despite the aforementioned advancement, being gay and black still has a noticeable connotation that can’t be considered as positive. Gay blacks are noticeable absent from many marketing campaigns geared toward not only African-American, but in the gay community as well. Not only that, there are several examples of violence against the aforementioned sections of the population that go unassisted by officials, despite their most valiant of efforts.
I remember talking to my younger brother a few years ago in an effort to come out to him and let him know a bit of what I was going through. He definitely always looked up to his older brother, and I did not want that to change. He did not disappoint me. Like most straight people, he was oblivious to the way many others saw me. But we had the commonality of both living as African-American men in the United States and that is where he saw the similarity. I have been lucky enough to have family members with open hearts and minds who embraced my sexuality with open arms, so the path to acceptance for me was a bit smoother than most.
I said to my brother back then that the difference between just being black in America and being gay and black in America is that, at times, not only do I get looked upon as being different in a room of white people, I also get stares when I hold my boyfriend’s hand while walking through a park.
And it is still that way today.