‘The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’ Have Slight Personal Problems

by on November 23rd, 2014
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Ye gods, this was a loopy soiree, even by Real Housewives standards. This episode of “The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills” nearly rivaled the party scene in “Breakfast at Tiffany’s.” I mean if you had drag queens, gay bullmastiffs and slutty waitresses, which come to think of it, there probably were. At any rate, if you could make heads or tails out this “Lost Weekend” party, throw your cocktail shaker in the air and wave it like you just don’t care.

We’re treated to a super-sized episode tonight and really, there was no other way to do this. At long last, Lisa Vanderpump is set to open her SUR Lounge, which we learned stands for “Sexy Unique Restaurant.” Lisa runs around the restaurant tending to last minute details, dragging her considerable junk behind her. Hubby Ken is getting a little turned on and tries to give her some sugar, but it’s not 2012 yet, so better jump back buddy.

Kyle Richards spends a little girl time with her daughters, Farrah and Portia. Portia’s so cute, I can’t stand it. Kyle fills Farrah in on Taylor Armstrong and Kim Richards’ latest dramas and traumas. Meanwhile, Kim reveals she’s kept her distance from Kyle since Hawaii. Besides, Kim’s got bigger fish to fry than dealing with her sister. Namely, trying to figure out how she wound up with a pink vibrator in her purse. Wait, you mean it’s not shiny lip gloss? You mean you don’t massage your wrists with it? You’re half right, Kim. Oh, sweet, deluded, crazy Kim. We’re in for a fun night with you, aren’t we?

Lisa’s at the door, ready to greet her guests. Except she can’t remember Adrienne’s chef, Bernie as he chats her up. No wonder he hates her. She’s thrilled to see new BFF, Brandi Glanville, her animosity having floated out to the Pacific. Ah, but our first signs of a “slight personal problem” come in the form of a slutty SUR waitress who slept with Brandi’s ex-husband, Eddie Cibrian, while she was pregnant. Oh, and she cried to a tabloid show because her “boyfriend” left her for LeAnn Rimes. You just can’t make this stuff up. Lisa’s on high alert and promptly goes over to kick the girl and her junk to the curb. Atta girl.

Alright, who’s the Girl with the Skanky Tattoo slithering down her thigh? Oh, she’s with Camille Grammer. Kyle is uptight, worried about seeing Kim, concerned about Taylor and trying to keep her dress up. Seems like Ken’s got Kim under control. Or he thinks he does. Per their usual, they just can’t get it together. Kim’s scrounging around on the bathroom floor of their hotel room for an actual lip gloss, before she remembers she needs to take her medication. Uh oh.

RuPaul is in the house and he lets Adrienne Maloof’s husband, Paul in on a big secret. “We’re all drag queens.” Amen, RuPaul. So, so appropriate. Our second situation of the night arrives in the form of Lisa and Ken’s former mooch, Cedric. Lisa’s ready to bust out her gym shoes and Vaseline and Brandi jumps in to assure everyone she’s not responsible for his party crashing (silly Housewife. We know it was Bravo’s producers). “I’m here for you, because I love you,” Cedric oozes as he tries to sidle up to Lisa. Lisa will never forgive how “vicious” he was and for the second time that night, sticks her Louboutin’s where the sun don’t shine and tosses Cedric out on his bum. Cedric takes a parting shot, trying to wring as much camera time as he can by kissing Kyle on his way out the door (“You’re not scared of Lisa, right?” he dares).

Brandi’s not the only one dealing with an ex-girlfriend. Paul’s ex is floating around and Lisa’s ready to dump her if she needs to. She must be exhausted with all this bouncing she’s doing. Her security team blows.

Kim and Ken are finally en route and it’s clear, Kim should have stayed out of the medicine cabinet. She’s futzing with the trash in the limo, playing with the shiny buttons and in general looks like a hot mess and a half. Now her bra is bothering her, so she’s going to take it off. They decide they’re only “fashionably late,” and besides, they’re the most important people. Wonder if the “prompt” Virgo Kim thinks she’s always early and it’s the rest of the world who’s always late?

You know you’re in Beverly Hills when your escort for a party is your therapist. What, oh, what to make of Taylor and her reality show friends and therapist/date? Taylor’s determined once again to make it all about her and put a damper on the festivities by telling the other Housewives during the party about her impending divorce. The scratching and clawing to stay relevant just doesn’t stop. I feel for Taylor – truly – and my heart goes out to her and her daughter for their situation. But she’s just so transparent – and I don’t mean the skin and bones look she’s been rocking the past two seasons.

While Taylor’s patting herself on the back for not running from conflict, Hurricane Kim is whirling around with gleeful abandon. She teeters in on her gold pumps, hair disheveled, lip gloss askew. She tells an alarmed Lisa she could use some “dessert wine.” “You look amazing!” Kim and Kyle’s manager, Bette, lies. I guess 15 percent will get you all kinds of flattery. Bette wants to take Kim on a round-robin of the room, but Ken wants to keep Kim plastered to his side. Wannabe Housewife, the “morally corrupt Faye Resnick,” blathers on about how skinny Kim looks. I guess in Beverly Hills, you can stumble into a party looking like an overdone drag queen, but as long as you look skinny, you’re aces. After accosting Adrienne, Kim pulls her to the restroom to reveal she’s leaving the gay bullmastiff because he has a “very mean, bad side,” and is “controlling” and “obsessive.” A concerned Adrienne doesn’t want this blood on her hands and runs to Kyle, telling her to talk to her sister.

Kyle obliges and manages to sever Ken’s umbilical cord long enough to spirit Kim outside. Kim spills, revealing that she’s desperately unhappy with Ken and thus sobs uncontrollably every day. Kim goes on and on about how awful he is and admits to Kyle she made a mistake. However, Kyle’s not so sure what to believe. “You’re also difficult,” she reminds Kim. It’s not long before both sisters are puddles of shiny lip gloss and hairspray as Kim cries she just wanted someone to take care of her and was so tired of being alone. Apparently, there’s not enough security or snuggling in the world to make Kim stay with Ken, because her bags are packed and she’s about to vaporize. Oh, except she’s three months late. Oh, Lord. Not another Housewife with a young uterus.

Taylor arrives with her own appendage and savvy Lisa can see past the cracked facade of pancake makeup to the black eye beneath. All the Housewives gather for Taylor’s monologue, as she cops to acting crazy all season and tries to explain the pressure cooker she was under. Adrienne’s not ready to roll out the welcome wagon, still not buying that Taylor’s left Russell, since she’s heard it all before. She sticks up for a demure Camille and reiterates that friends don’t threaten friends. Taylor understands and apologizes, though Kyle feels like “you don’t owe us an apology.” Adrienne and Camille vehemently disagree, demanding Taylor make amends for blasting Camille about spilling the beans regarding Russell Armstrong’s abusive behavior. Taylor agrees and offers a sincere apology to Camille and all is forgiven.

Meanwhile, Kim’s hiding out from Ken in the bathroom, putting the bladders of the party guests in peril. She repeatedly screams at Ken to leave her alone, but he pretends not to hear her, gluing himself to the door until she emerges. Mauricio’s mom, Estella, is concerned and the natives are getting restless. They just want to pee. And apply their lip gloss. Estella and the unfortunately-in-attendance, Dana Wilkey (which by the way, Mauricio, that was the correct answer on “Watch What Happens Live” when queried about your least favorite Housewife), manage to coax Kim out, who wonders where Ken has disappeared to. Maybe he locked himself in the hotel safe.

Next week, it’s the season finale as Pandora gets married.

More From This Contributor:

‘The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills’ Get Raw

‘The Real Housewives of Orange County’ Call It a Day

‘The Real Housewives of Atlanta’ Untie the Knot

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