After visiting several different anonymous chat rooms, I have collected sufficient evidence to state that 3/4 of the people online suffer from the Raging Hormones syndrome, half would choose “Other” if they were asked about their gender, and a tiny minority are there for actual conversation. Because organizing people into stereotypes is always fun and rarely accurate, here are a few characters you will spot if you ever decide to step out of the three-dimensional world and seek companionship virtually.
Old Dude Creepers: You will only find out his true identity when you realize that he has no idea who Justin Bieber is. Your suspicions will be confirmed when he asks if this “Bieber” is a cartoon character on Nickelodeon or one of the Bratz dolls. Unfortunately, there might be a chance that this ignorant user is actually a home-schooled recluse living in China, so screaming “YOU’RE A 53-YEAR-OLD CREEPER, AREN’T YOU?!” is never a wise choice. Stick around a bit more, and if the user begins to ask about your wardrobe choices, I would advise a swift departure.
The Soul Mate: There is always someone so perfect and similar to you that you want to ask if they’re a fictional character from Twilight. Despite your temptation to talk to them for hours, DON’T-because once you find out that you have way too much in common, you’re going to stay up all night brooding over the possibility of a star-crossed long-distance relationship. Sure, he’s attractive, hilarious, and an exotic Bruneian, but…sorry, kiddo. It just isn’t going to work out.
The Intellectual Who Is Online Simply Because He’s Researching For His Thesis, “Behavioral Psychology In The Virtual World.” Unless you feel inclined to answer questions about your age, desires, and greatest fear, this person will provide no entertainment for you.
People Who Have No Life: I know you’re going to argue that the act of frequenting chat rooms is already a public admission that one has a social circle the circumference of an ant’s thorax, but these users go beyond that. Warning signs that users belong in this category include
a) They answer with a description of their nether regions when you ask them about their age, sex, and location
b) They are overly interested in you, especially as to the color of your underwear.
0.2% of these people will grow up to be politicians and 95% of those will be ousted from office when compromising pictures of them are found circulating on the internet. True story.
Oh, Thank Heavens, A Genuinely Nice Person: Sometimes the universe smiles upon you and you find yourself having an intelligent conversation with an age-appropriate person. You swap stories of your crazy AP teachers, blabber on about your crushes, and even go so far as to add each other on Facebook.