How can a Woman full of great strength be transformed into a weak distraught soul by the touch of one man? Women are the weaker vessel and should be protected by the Man she chose. If that Man gives up his right, as the stronger vessel, to protect the Woman then she should be able to give up her right and walk away. If only it were that easy. To some Women it may be, but to a majority it’s “til death do us part.”
Audra was raised in a fairly good home. She had witnessed times that her Mother and Father got into physical arguments, but only a few and not to an extent of either of them being hurt. Her parents married right out of high school and their first baby was born within the year. Her Father worked at a Sawmill and her Mother attempted a Sewing Factory but thought best to stay at home with the children. Unfortunately, Audra was never encouraged to go to college so she too married out of high school.
Even though Audra and her family didn’t have much money and no one cared to further an education, she was smart. Audra was outgoing, funny and happy but most of all she was independent, headstrong, quite stubborn; and I don’t ever remember as her childhood friend see her get empowered by anyone.
The summer before our Senior year she met Brian. He was so handsome. He had huge muscles, the most beautiful blue eyes and the whitest smile I had ever seen. I will have to admit, I was envious of her gorgeous man and the love they had for each other. No one would suspect a deep dark secret hidden below the surface of those pects or much less that smile! Brian and Audra were always together so anytime I wanted to spend time with Audra from then on, I had to hang out with the both of them. Brian was nice, he had a great personality and was loved by everyone who knew him. A couple times I noticed Brian would smirk at things Audra said and Heaven forbid another boy attempt to talk with Audra. As happy as she was, at the time I didn’t think anything of it, besides most guys were jealous of their girls.
They were married after Audra and I graduated and even though I attended college she and I kept in touch. For about Six months any time we talked on the phone, Audra’s life was going great. She and Brian were so in love and she would go on about what she had done to improve her first little home. Painting rooms, buying framed art at yard sales and discovering a new scented candle was Audra’s highlights of her life! Still yet again, I was envious of her. She was having fun playing house while I was stuck in a class room for the next five years, and better yet, no boyfriend.
I received a call one night around 2:00 am, it was Audra. She was crying hysterically and asked me to come and get her. I had a test the next morning at 8:00 am but she needed me and I was scared of what was going on. When I arrived at her home she was standing on the front porch in a T-Shirt and her panties. Here it was in the middle of February and it took me three hours to get to her. I immediately began to cry as I ran toward her with a coat. When I was able to see her face, her lip was all busted up and I wasn’t able to see the severity of her cuts from the blood that poured from them. I grabbed her and walked her to the car and drove her back to my apartment as she explained what had happened. She kept crying out, “I don’t understand, I just don’t understand.” I hadn’t ever seen a situation like this before so I had no idea what to say to her. She was so hurt, so disappointed in this man that loved her so much. She explained how he had came home from work and acted weird. She kept asking him what was wrong but he wouldn’t answer her. She said his eyes were glassy and he laid back in his chair like he was sick. When she asked him if he wanted her to fix him a dinner plate and bring it to him, he jumped up from his chair and pushed her down yelling at her to leave him alone. When she tried to get up he threw his fist back and hit her in the mouth. He wouldn’t stop, he just kept hitting her and calling her terrible names. She said he pulled her up by her hair and pushed her out the front door and locked her out. Totally embarrassed she had to walk over to the neighbors house to use their phone to call me. They wanted to help her by calling the cops, asked her if she wanted some clothes but she begged them to stay out of it and just let her call her friend. The humiliation she had to carry around she said was more painful than the cuts and bruises.
I asked her to stay with me as long as she needed to get on her feet but after she healed she left with Brian while I was in school.
Three months went by, I tried to call her everyday and she wouldn’t answer. I was worried sick about her not knowing if she was even alive or if she would call if she was in trouble. I sat in class and wondered if she was sitting in that house all bruised up and not able to move. I wanted to have some bit of faith in Brian that he knew he was wrong and he loved her and would never hurt her again. It was the only hope I had at this point.
My phone rang at midnight and I was happy to see that it was Audra. When I answered she was crying and trying to tell me what had happened. She was apologizing for not calling or answering when I called. She asked if she could come to my house and stay and would explain everything when she got there. Of course I let her come and stay. She knew she could stay as long as she needed to, but just as before, she was gone after she healed. Brian had pulled a filet knife on her and held it to her throat. She didn’t have any exposed bruises or cuts but was sore from the pulling. She did find out that Brian was heavily addicted to pain pills. The medical bills started coming in from various clinics and dentists, so many she couldn’t keep them paid. She admitted she fought back when he hit her; she got so angry with him she started throwing punches back at him and even threw some large items toward his head. The filet knife settled her down, she said she just closed her eyes and let him decide if he would have the nerve to slit her throat.
Audra tried to hold down jobs but either they would let her go because of the black eyes and busted lips or Brian would make her quit if he felt she was getting too independent. Everyone in Audra’s life pretty much quit having anything to do with her because she wouldn’t leave Brian. I couldn’t understand it either, the way she made up excuses for him all the time. She said she loved him and didn’t know why. It was so aggravating. I wasn’t aggravated at her but I just couldn’t understand how she could go on living like this. I would talk to her about how independent she used to be and she would act like she never was. She just kept saying she could never make it on her own. I seen a whole different person than the one I looked up to in high school. I was pissed that he had stolen her identity by beating her down. Now her strength was surviving in a world where she had no one but Brian who abused her in every way. She would come to me with dried blood on her face and lips that looked like raw hamburger meat but all she would talk about was how he called her a low life slut and she would never amount to anything. She would cry as she told me he told her he hated her and she was stupid, that all she would ever be worth is what he had to offer her. If my friend would not have hated me I would have hired a hit man and paid extra to have him cut in pieces. This is how sick I was for what he did to my friend.
It was effecting my life. My school work was poor and if a man tried to ask me out I snapped on him. I tried to justify it in my mind that this was the reason everyone quit communicating with Audra and it would be alright to ignore her but in my heart I just couldn’t walk away from her. I seen her at her best and knew that she had it in her to find that person within, somehow, someway. I just didn’t want to stop believing in her, and that’s the effect she had on me in high school. That’s how strong Audra was the. Anytime I was weak she was strong for me even if she had to go and confront someone who hurt me. I would listen to her words and she would tear them up so badly they had no choice but to apologize to me for being mean. I think she would have beat them up for me if she couldn’t settle it with her words!
Four months went by and Audra called one night at 7:00 pm. She wasn’t crying but very calm and said she was at the hospital. My gut split open and I felt sick before I could ask her what happened. She laughed, she said Brian was in the emergency room getting stitches. She had thrown a glass ashtray and hit him in the head. Brian lied about falling and Audra agreed that it was a nasty fall. For a brief moment I could laugh with her but was wondering what would happen after they returned home. Oh my God, I imagined him killing her for this. She said he apologized before they got to the hospital and she felt everything would be fine, only thing was she had a mess to clean up when she got back home. She explained how Brian came home from work yelling about supper being cold still left on the stove, telling her how worthless she was. She sat in the living room without saying a word when he came in and grabbed her by the hair and dragged her to the kitchen. She said he slang her body against the corner cabinet and grabbed the ketchup bottle and poured it all over her and the kitchen floor. When he walked away toward the pantry, she raised up and grabbed the glass ashtray and threw it toward his head without a thought in her mind. She heard a big thunk and to the floor he went. He laid there unconscious and bled. She said she thought about just leaving him there but was afraid she would go to prison for his death so she called the ambulance and got him to the hospital. They discussed it on the way there that they would tell the story that he slipped and fell in the kitchen floor after the bottle of ketchup burst. She had to go sign some papers but told me she would call later. I lay in the bed that night after reading over a chapter test and visualized Audra throwing that ashtray at Brian. I laughed til I about peed my pants. If he didn’t kill her after they got home, maybe it was enough to make him realize that Audra was about to get her full and find herself again!
I received a call three weeks later from Audra and again she was crying, not able to breathe. She said she was driving to my house and told me she would be staying for awhile this time. When I got to the door and seen Audra I myself thought that I was going to faint. I don’t know how she drove all the way to my house in that shape. She limped into the living room and fell on the couch as though she give it all she had to get there. I didn’t say a word to her, just ran to draw her a warm bath and got her to the tub. I always tried to be tough in front of her, but would always go to my room and hide behind the door to let my tears escape from me. This time I prayed for her to be done with this battle because I couldn’t take it anymore. She was quiet in the bathroom so I went in to check on her and she was lying in the tub passed out. I helped her get cleaned up by wiping the blood from her lips and her eyes, her knees and her chin. She was cut up and bruised from head to toe. Her left eye and her bottom lip had already started to swell. She woke up and caught me crying. She was like a little helpless child that had no way of knowing which way to turn in life. When she seen me crying she broke down and said that she had had enough. She would gasp for air and say there had to be something better out there than this. She complained about being tired and waking up every morning disappointed that she even had to wake up. Her voice was hoarse, probably from him choking her when she asked me, “what can I do?” She was convinced that she was nothing, never would be anything, wasn’t smart enough to do anything and her only way to escape was death. We cried together as I told her what kind of person she was before Brian came into her life. How strong she was and how she could conquer the world with her personality and smile. She laughed through her tears as she nodded her head back and forth as to disagree with me. I helped her out of the tub and put a nice warm robe on her as she cuddled in it like it was a much appreciated and very needed safe haven. She drifted off to sleep in the guest bedroom as I wondered if she would be there tomorrow after I got out of school.
I came home to find her still wrapped in the covers in bed. I was so thankful she hadn’t went back again. Even though I had little faith of her still being there I took some time at school to ask about grants for her to be able to go to school with me. She needed a reason to live and a way to prove herself to be smart and be able to take care of herself. I brought the forms home for her to fill out, and encouraged her to take some classes. She was approved for a grant and enrolled in Comp I, College Algebra, American Government, and Physical Science. She had found her a major she thought she could live with and just went gung ho into the classes trying to reach her goal. She was top student in her Comp I class and did very well in the other three. Five months went by fast and she was on top of her game. Her bruises and cuts were gone with only little scarring, her lips were back to normal and smiling occasionally. Brian wouldn’t leave her alone, he kept calling her phone and she gave up one day and answered him. She had completed her classes and had signed up for the next semester but after talking with him begged of me to forgive her for going back. I threatened her, it hurt me so bad to see her doing so good with her life, I told her if she left that she could never call me again or come back here. She left anyway.
I worried about her day and night, so confused at why he had so much power over her. She and I both seen that she could make it without him, not so at the time, but working toward a goal that would leave her where she could take care of herself. I had bought her new clothes to bring back her confidence, and was able to take care of all the expenses while she concentrated on school. I seen the Audra I knew once again, and I know she seen it too.
Seven months flew by and I hadn’t heard anything from Audra. I didn’t try to call her either, just hoped the longer separation somehow helped Brian realize his mistakes and take care of her. I ran into her sister in Wal-Mart and she told me Audra was living in an empty apartment by herself. She said she had to call the cops to get her out of the house and she had just enough money to pay the deposit and rent on the apartment. Her sister said she had talked to her earlier that day and Audra had bought a heating blanket because the floors were cold at night. I couldn’t stand it any longer, I had to call Audra and ask her what she needed for her apartment. Audra said she was doing fine and she didn’t want to bother me with her troubles anymore. She was sorry for putting me through all that she did. I asked her where she was and I took her a bed, a pillow, some dishes, a few towels and blankets. It was so nice to see her again, she seemed alright. She got a job nearby and thought she would have enough to get on her feet eventually. She was appreciative of the things I and her family brought to her but you could tell she wanted to do this on her own. I didn’t stay with her very long and asked her to call me if she just needed to talk or anything. I left crying but she never shed a tear. Brian turned Audra into a stone cold hearted woman, so bitter. I prayed for her daily.
She never called me but I called her once to make sure she was still ok. She talked like she was really doing good, said she started church down the road. I asked her if she needed anything like money or house items but she said no, she had everything she needed. I told her I loved her and we hung up.
Her sister called me Six months later and told me she went back to Brian. Her apartment was an hour away from him so she quit her job and had him to move all the stuff we gave her to his house. I tried desperately to forget about it and stay focused on my schoolwork. I thought about her every morning I woke up and laid in bed at night wondering if she was lying in bed with bruises. I wondered if she would ever lose the fear of prison and just kill him while he was asleep, but knew that she was a God-fearing woman who couldn’t do it. I started an account at the bank for her. God, I wished I could just lose all the faith I had left for her and move on. I don’t understand after all these times she had a chance to stay away she kept going back but for some stupid reason I couldn’t let go.
A year went by I found a letter in my mailbox from Audra. I set it on the bar and stared at it for hours. Everything went through my mind as I tried to imagine what it said. Could it be that she left him again or was she going to tell me that Brian had changed and everything was great? My stomach was in knots because no matter what she said in the letter, nothing would stick. After dinner I poured a nice hot cup of hazelnut coffee and slouched in the chair with my lap blanket. I grabbed the letter off the bar and opened it and laid it on the end table. I surfed through the TV channels to find nothing interesting to watch. I couldn’t stop thinking about Audra and what was going on with her. I jerked the letter off the table and began to read it with disgust.
My Dearest Friend,
I thank God for you and the kindness you have shown me our whole life. You were my best friend in high school and continued to be throughout my struggle with my marriage. I know that after a while you probably gave up on me but I carried your faith for me within. Every time I stayed with you or talked with you, somehow you strengthened me. I never forgot one word you said or anything you did to help me see what you seen in me. I love you and I never meant to do anything to hurt you, I do appreciate you. My marriage with Brian was so confusing. I didn’t want to give up on our marriage no matter what he was doing to me. I was wrong by putting myself in those situations instead of leaving but I was scared of the world and what was in it. I believed the lie. Anyway…
I was sitting in the living room about Ten months ago when Brian came in from work and started yelling at me. I’m thinking I was at the end of my rope, I looked up at him and said, “OH SHUT UP!” I wasn’t even scared at what he was about to do to me. I had been beaten so many times I’m not sure I could feel it anymore so I really didn’t care. He came over to the chair and grabbed me by my hair, of course, and threw me down on the floor. He got on top of me and started hitting me in the face. I stared at him through his punches and never flinched. He could have killed me that night and it would have been fine with me. Tears streamed down the sides of my face but they were full of ice if you know what I mean. He got up off me yelling and headed for the kitchen. I jumped up off that floor and grabbed the keys to my car and ran for the back door. Oh my God, I think I actually ran ahead of the speed of time. I don’t know how I got out of that door without him grabbing me, he was right there behind me. I slammed that door on him and jumped in the car and had it locked like a half a second before he reached the handle. I was like a super woman. Lol. He was banging on the door window with his hand and yelling for me to get out. When I started the car he ran to the back and laid down on the carport. I yelled back at him and told him I would run over him if he didn’t get up. I backed up the car a few inches and heard him yell. I stopped and waited on him and started backing up again. I thought I was going to have to run over him to get out. We did this for about ten minutes before he moved out my way and I was free to go. I can’t believe how relieved I was to escape. My eyes and lips were bleeding blood, and I had nothing but a car with a quarter of a tank of gas. I didn’t get my purse, no clothes, nothing. I drove down the road smiling! It was crazy! I wasn’t sure if he would follow me so I took a gravel road through the woods to get off the main path. I turned up the radio and a song was playing that reminded me of all that we had been through. I cried as I sung along with it in rage. On one side of the road was pine trees and the sun was going down and glaring through them. The other side of the road was a cleared ravine, where I could see mountains for miles. You know how I’m afraid of heights so it kinda scared me a little to see that. I just kept my mind on that song and sang louder to the words as though it made me stronger in my situation. A freakin doe ran out from the pines and was right in front of my car. She looked at me helplessly as if begging me to spare her life. I slammed on my breaks and swerved to miss her and my car dove for the ravine. I was air born like Bo and Luke from the Dukes of Hazard. My car hit and speeded uncontrollably toward the bottom. I banged my head on the steering wheel when I hit and slammed my arm against the door once it gained speed. Thirty seconds seemed like an hour. I slammed on my breaks hoping to get the car stopped and I skidded only a hundred feet before I got it to a halt. I sat there in that car with my foot on the break and thought about all the hurt and pain I went through for that man, I could have died. I thought about this wreck, how if I hadn’t stopped the car I could have crashed to the bottom and lost my life. I stepped out of that car and let go of the break to watch it plummet to the bottom and crash. I walked out of that Ravine like I walked out of the marriage. It was over! A nice man picked me up and took me to the nearest town where I checked into a battered women’s shelter. They clothed me, fed me and gave me support. I have been working here at the shelter ever since, while I take college courses to become a teacher. I am able to work with the other women that come in like me. I clean them up, clothe them, feed them and if they want to go to school I help them with grants, if not we get them a job. Just like you did for me friend. It’s not all good, some are really like me and keep going back to their husbands even after they have started a new life. I realize and I hope that you do also that I am good for them as you were to me, we planted good seed in their life that they can take back with them. They will leave in their own time, after the last tear.
I just wanted to share my story with you, it had been so long since we spoke. I truly wanted you to know that no matter what you feel about me now, I listened to you and I respect you dearly!
With Love,
Audra
I could not stop crying when I read her beautiful letter. It’s a true miracle. I skipped school the next day and drove to see her at the shelter. I watched her talking with a sad helpless woman who looked just like Audra did last time I seen her. Audra was beautiful, clothed in strength even better than she was in school. A weight was lifted and I had my friend back. We embraced and cried, she kept apologizing for treating me so badly but I shushed her and told her how proud I was to see her look so happy. I gave her an envelope with the money I had been saving for her and she refused at first. I asked her to donate it to the shelter if she didn’t want to accept it for herself. I didn’t want it back, I had saved it just for this day. She called her boss and asked to take a long lunch so we could go to town. She wanted to show me a used car that she was trying to save up for. I thought it was ugly but she and I couldn’t agree on everything. I hid my feelings and told her she should get it, it was an awesome car! She smiled like a child with a new toy and went in to pay cash for it. She mumbled and became fidgety while we sat in line at the bank. She wanted to donate some money to the shelter but put some up for future use in her savings account. I laughed at her and finally with her as she decided how much would go where. I took her to lunch and we both screamed toward the bathroom when we brought up hilarious memories from high school. Never once did we bring up Brian’s name. What a wonderful visit we had, I will always cherish our time together.
Our ten year reunion was last Saturday and Audra and I are still best friends. Both our husbands are in the medical field as so am I. Audra is a teacher and still volunteers at the Shelter. Our daughters are three months apart and in the same kindergarten class. She and I both have wonderful husbands that treat us like queens. We are so spoiled and occasionally, in front of the husbands, we scream toward the bathroom!