Awesome Adventures : Clint Eastwood and the Eldorado Outlaws

by on January 4th, 2011
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Scene One – As the tour bus pulls up to the barn where the all terrain vehicles are stored, the tour guide points out the collection of blow torches and pick axes displayed on the walls and shelves of the dilapidated old building. He moves the eclectic group of tourists along as they squint and sweat under the afternoon sun.
” A historical gold mining camp once thrived here, dating back to the beginning of the Civil War. At one time this was the most populated town in the entire state of Nevada. These days, there are only about 50 residents. Under our feet, there are 10 miles of underground tunnels and we are going to explore some of the safer ones. You will see actual gold flakes in the dirt walls during the mine tour. Try to refrain from scraping at them since we don’t want to damage this historic sight or bring the roof down on our heads! Heh heh, just kidding! Now folks, you can have your choice of riding on a horse or one of the ATV’s, along the same ore trails used by the miners back in the 1800’s.”

Scene Two – The dusty stranger paused on his horse as he viewed the last mile before entering what might pass for a town. He lit his only cigar and held tightly to the reins as his horse began to snort and paw the ground. Somewhere nearby, there was a river.

He had been on the trail for a week so the thought of a shave and a drink of whiskey sounded mighty good.
In the distance, the calliope music of an accordion came bouncing over the rocks.

As he pulled up in front of a big canvas tent, he noted that the musician sitting on a box was wearing a rebel cap and had a sawed off shotgun stuck in his belt. The Confederate jerked and stopped playing. He craned his neck to look around.

Scene Three – Johnny Rebel tucked his squeeze box under a porch and led the way to a saloon marked only by the collection of bottles tossed out the side door. The big Irishman behind the bar smiled as he poured a shot of whiskey into a dirty glass. Suddenly a large boot crashed open the door and a Sargent from the Union Army stomped in holding what looked like a small cannon.

Scene Four – The tour guide paused to let the old folks catch up to the rest of the group.

“We often see big horn sheep and other wildlife such as rabbits, burros, and snakes so watch where you step! There are many species of cactus that look amazing in your photos, but be careful not to get too close. Some of them have prickly thorns that can be quite painful. On the property, you see a collection of Old West buildings filled with antiques. There is a treasure trove of vintage signs, nicely preserved automobiles, and authentic mining equipment. This area is often times used for movie locations and we have hosted many celebrities and movie stars like Kevin Costner and Kurt Russell. Remember “3000 Miles to Graceland”?

It’s also a popular backdrop for music videos by artists like Beyonce, Journey, and even Donnie and Marie Osmond! I loved their show at the Flamingo! This rugged landscape made it’s way into several video games for X-Box 360. My favorite memories were the photo shoots of bikini models, posing with classic cars. Does anyone look at “Low Rider” magazine? Anyway, I hope you are enjoying this incredible tour and now it’s time for lunch.”

Scene Five – The burly Yankee took one look at the rebel and cursed him. He fired the blunderbuss, blowing Johnny Rebel clear across the room. The bartender came up with a mini sledgehammer, used for tapping the beer keg. He hurled it and scored a hit, knocking the big gun away from the Sargent .

As the Irishman fished under the bar for a firearm, the Sargent drew his pistol and shot him between the eyes. He looked around for the stranger, but then he felt the business end of a Colt pressed against the back of his neck.

The stranger backed up and he shot the Sargent twice. He went to the rebel and, sure enough, there was a pouch in the coat pocket. He gathered the whiskey bottle and sidestepped the colorful hookers coming down the stairs. They were screaming about the bloody mayhem. Having arrived on the riverboat only yesterday, they had been promised a good meal by the Irishman. Now, he looked bug eyed at the ceiling and had no will left to fulfill promises.

Scene Six – The scarecrow cowboy took one last swig before loading the bottle and the pouch of gold into his saddlebag. He wished that he had time for a nap, but he swung onto the horse and decided to move on. As he passed the canvas tent, he reached under the porch and snagged the accordion.

On the edge of town, he laughed at the skull of a longhorn steer with a handwritten sign that said “Come Back Soon!”

Scene Seven – Down the dry gully at the old Spanish ruins, the elderly friar rang the mission bell. The tolling woke up the Sargent, who was bleeding into a pool of beer. The bullet that had punctured his lung had continued on to also kill the new barrel of brew. From the bullet hole, a fountain of amber beverage gurgled onto the splintered floor. The Sargent turned his head and let the suds cascade into his mouth. He smiled and as the shadows of the evening closed in, he had a brief dream about a city of gold.

As the abandoned prostitutes retreated to the balcony of the saloon, they cried as they heard the distant stranger sing the last fading verse of “Red River Valley”, carried by a ghostly echo from the accordion.

Epilogue : As the tour bus hurried up the dusty road heading for Las Vegas, the colors of the sky were rusty like the old tools in the barn. The sunburned vacation party sighed as they looked forward to sharing the story of their awesome adventure in Eldorado Canyon.

Fade to Black

Here are some links to other articles I wrote:
John Wayne and Tarzan with the Hollywood Gang
The Cults of Jane Fonda and Pamela Anderson
Top 10 Books and the Famous Movies They Inspired
Legendary Liz Taylor and Richard Burton in Cleopatra
The Rise and Fall of a Hollywood Empire
Classic Movie Sex Goddesses
Growing Up in Show Business
Women of Fantasy and Science Fiction
Best Comedy TV Shows of the 1960’s

Thanks for reading and feel free to leave a comment.

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