Despite Philadelphia’s awful reputation for nasty sports fans, defeating zombies is nearly beyond even the capability of even very, very nasty sports cranks.
But if the stars align, we Philadelphians do have some strategies for taking care of The Undead…again, if the stars align. After all, when faced with “former humans” who want to eat our brains, things have to break just right. And let’s face it, zombie extermination requires burning them up, seriously breaking their legs, or totally dismembering “the corpses.” Thus, these are the common goals in all the following strategies:
The first method is iffy but potentially effective under the right conditions; it’s included because it’s a neighborhood possibility where I live: East Falls. Here’s what is required: a) a truckload of calves’ brains (try the Italian Market – actually some distance from the Falls in South Philadelphia, but hey, it’s a zombie attack); b) axes and/or heavy clubs; c) a tropical storm or hurricane causing the Schuykill River to flood at the intersection of Kelly Drive and Midvale Avenue (contact Al Gore). The method here is to lure the zombies to this specific intersection, which is hard by the river, during the given heavy rain storm. Some people running towards this juncture yelling “I HAVE A BRAIN” will do. But the truckload of animal brains has to already be at the intersection, which ideally should be under about three feet of water. Once the zombies are knee-deep in water, the calves’ brains should be thrown into the flood. When The Gray Ones dive for them, they can be pounced upon, and their legs smashed.
A second and infinitely more effective method, requiring no special weather conditions, is available to residents of the Northeast section of the city for literally miles along Roosevelt Boulevard. The Boulevard is a massive, multi-lane nightmare in its own right with cars typically ripping along at 70 to 75 mph or faster, including the semi-suicidal making extraordinarily dangerous turns across multiple lanes on “the yellow light” (read, red). Lure the zombies on foot, preferably in a high speed foot-chase, across the road. Believe me: The air will be filled with undead pieces.
The final method involves, ideally, somewhat specific conditions, but they can be “fiddled with.” The ideal situation would have the Eagles playing at Lincoln Financial Field at four in the afternoon, but an early game will do in a pinch. The opponent doesn’t matter.
The strategy here is again a matter of luring. The zombies need to be herded, prodded, or trapped in pursuit of brains in the Linc’s parking lot during tailgating. The best time would be about 2:30 p.m. before a four o’clock game. The tailgaters will thus be ensured as “alcohol enhanced” to an advanced degree. (Some will have arrived in the lot at eight in the morning.)
Seriously, the zombies will be in a worse position than that first wave a Normandy, and a fair number of zombie burgers will be consumed with plenty of time to still make the kickoff.