“Everything happens for a reason.” “Whatever doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” You hear these kinds of things a lot from well-meaning friends and family when you’re struggling with infertility, often accompanied by a story about their sister’s best friend or co-worker’s cousin who tried for “x” amount of years and eventually got pregnant. As anyone going through the trials of infertility knows, one becomes very tired of being told that somehow there is a silver lining to the grief they’re experiencing. Having been through infertility hell and back, all I can say is … they’re right. Looking back, I wouldn’t change a single thing about that long painful road, because I know if any part of it didn’t happen exactly as it did, my husband and I would not have exactly the blessings we have today. Beyond the little angels themselves, we got a few other things out of the experience – some life lessons. Lo and behold, it just so happens that these newly acquired life skills are some of the most important when raising a child.
Humility
Infertility can arguably be particularly difficult for “type A” personalities (not naming any names). Oh, you will try your heart out to control the situation. You may start by timing your cycles or taking your temperature every morning. You may proceed to getting every diagnostic test known to man. You may even move forward with IUI and/or IVF with the best specialist in town, maybe even multiple times. Guess what? You’re not in control. Whether you believe it is God’s will, as I do, or simply a matter of fate, you will have a baby when you’re supposed to. Translate this to taking care of a baby. You can read the books, watch the videos, talk to all your friends, and double-check every message board online. None of this will prevent your baby from having colic, being a picky eater, having reflux, or refusing to sleep through the night (to name just a few possibilities). Sure, there are ways to manage these situations, but the hard fact is that if they have it, they have it, and the best you can do is manage it until they grow out of it. Then, just when you get it all down pat, your next baby will be completely different.
Patience
One of the hardest parts of the infertility rollercoaster is the waiting. Every month that you “try,” whether the natural way or by some form of infertility treatment, there is that crucial day or two (ovulation); after that, all you can do is wait two weeks to find out if you’re pregnant. If you are not, you then have to wait another two weeks to try again. And so on. You learn to take lots of deep breaths, ask for help when you need it, and keep your eye on the prize. To say that mommyhood requires a lot of patience is an understatement. Babies and toddlers are very demanding, and they constantly test your patience before they even know how to do it on purpose. The same exercises mentioned above are crucial to maintaining your sanity. This mommy finds that the deep breaths are sometimes best accompanied by tightly squeezed shut eyes – just a tip. Ask for help when you need it; your kids will remember you for your love, not for how many tasks you were able to handle by yourself. And in this case, keeping your eye on the prize means reminding yourself how much you love your little angel(s); the soothing effect does wonders for your nerves.
Appreciation
Appreciating what you have and not dwelling on what you don’t: It is good for anyone’s soul, but especially important when going through the trials of infertility. On those days when you’re feeling particularly defeated, it can be hard to do, but those are the days it is most important. Despite being unable to have (what seemed like) the only thing in the world I wanted, I knew that I was so blessed with a loving husband, a strong marriage, and an amazing network of supportive family and friends. You hear stories about infertility tearing marriages apart. As sad as this is, I can’t help but recall our old friend, “Everything happens for a reason…” A solid marriage is the foundation on which a family is built. Don’t get me wrong, infertility is one of the biggest strains that can be put on a marriage. But if children do eventually come into the picture, it definitely won’t be the last storm to weather. And thank goodness you know you can do it together!
Carpe Diem
The full phrase from the Roman poet Horace is “Carpe diem quam minimum credula postero,” commonly translated to “Seize the day, putting as little trust as possible in the future.” Or as affirmed in more recent times by Dave Matthews, “The future is no place to place your better days.” Infertility can completely consume you if you let it. It’s easy to fall into the thought pattern of, “We’ll focus on that after we get pregnant” or “We’ll do that someday once we have a baby.” Go on that vacation now. Become members at a church now. Start a gym membership now. Reconnect with family or an old friend now. If everything is “I’ll do it when…,” you may never do it. Who knows how long this leg of your journey will take. In the meantime, enjoy the scenery. Now as a mom, this is one of my biggest priorities in raising my children. The dishes and laundry can wait when it’s a beautiful day outside or even when a good song comes on the radio that requires some singing and dancing. After all we went through before being blessed with our children, I don’t want to miss a moment of any day.