In the summer of 1989, Heather, a fifteen year old metal head became the mayor of Heatherville in a landside victory that was completely rigged. The town previously had another name, but Heather’s first act as mayor was changing the name to Heatherville. Heather then made it illegal to say the town’s previous name. As I walked down the streets, I appreciated the fact that Heather mandated that everybody wear black because I look great in black.
Heather played only heavy metal music on the recently installed state-of-art citywide loud speaker system. And shoppers could only hear Danzig’s “Twist Of Cane” playing in the aisles of one unnamed store that was previously a coffee shop-turned local music store. One time I witnessed Mayor Heather reprimanding citizens for covering their ears.
“If I catch you doing that again,” Mayor Heather warned, “I’ll have you signed up for volunteer work at the next Bluegrass Association convention, and believe me, you will not enjoy it. In fact, I’m tempted to chain you to the worst banjo player I can find.” It was obvious to me that Heatherville was ruled by tough love.
The air in Heatherville was scented with the rich, alluring essence of Chanel No. 5, which Mayor Heather decreed be used in place of mosquito fogging repellant because she liked the perfume.
The town of Heatherville is so small that it doesn’t show up on the state map. Typical of extremely small towns, Heatherville didn’t even have its own zip code. It had one high school that adjoined the elementary school where kids were taught music appreciation through the glorifying sounds of heavy metal thunder. No other courses of study were allowed unless Mayor Heather saw fit. The town’s only historical landmark was its church, which was razed by Mayor Heather to be replaced by a new house of worship, The First Nondenominational Church of Heather. Hymnals contained only heavy metal songs.
The streets are routinely kept clean by inmates who have violated the dress code. Flowers as long as they are a hybrid shade of midnight black are allowed to be planted. Trees aligning the streets and residential areas must be pruned and the debris discarded in the landfill of Haven because Mayor Heather is too lazy to build a landfill of her own. Thus improving the air quality of Heatherville significantly. The atmosphere of Heatherville is likened the town of Mayberry if its mayor had been Alice Cooper.
Mayor Heather has banned artificial cheer and perky attitudes as they annoy her. Anyone caught displaying excessive amounts of joyful enthusiasm will be catapulted into neighboring communities. This, Mayor Heather has found to be a most effective tool of behavior modification. In addition, it is quite entertaining.
Everyday is a skateboarder’s paradise. There are no restrictions regarding the use of skateboards on the sidewalks or the streets. Pogo sticks and roller skates are equally popular for getting around in Heatherville. Heatherville is a very quaint setting for metal heads and head bangers alike, but not so much for everybody else. It is difficult to leave Heatherville because most residents can’t scale the twenty foot high electric fence topped with razor wire, but why would anyone want to leave?