I just returned from the funeral of my husband of 35 years. He passed away last month without having spent a single day in a hospital since his birth date. The only medical attention he received during his entire life was limited to childhood vaccinations, preventive shots and regular check-ups.
The doctors performing the autopsy did not find traces of any diseased organ, infectious disease, chronic condition of any sort and any other signs of an ailing body. As mentioned in their report, his condition was that of a man in the prime of life comparable to that of a thirty year old. His 65 years did not show in any of the innumerable tests and post mortem explorations that they conducted. To them it was the most unexplainable death that they had ever witnessed.
I could not sit still and dry my tears without making an attempt to find out why my beloved Henry died if he was in such perfect physical shape. I myself was subjected to endless questions by specialists from several prestigious universities, at least two experts in veterinary medicine and a charming doctor from the Virgin Islands that showed up wearing strange amulets and accompanied by two young female assistants that mumbled a hymn all the time he examined dead Henry.
I do have an inkling as to what killed Henry. Six weeks ago we played tennis for the last time. As usual I beat him 6-4 and after a refreshing shower we sat by our pool to drink the ceremonial Gin and Tonic and eat the miniature hot dogs stuffed with small pieces of artichoke fried in onion and white wine. He brought the chafing dish with the hot doggies and when he placed the chafing dish on the table, some of the hot juice splashed on his thumb. Nothing dramatic. He immediately sucked his thumb to provide some relief, dried it with a napkin and proceeded to forget about it.
Later, we watched television. As usual, our favorite program was interrupted with monotonous regularity every 7 minutes by a commercial for a pharmaceutical product that showed a couple by the side of a pool preparing a barbecue. Like most people we kept looking at the screen but without seeing or hearing what the narrator was saying. However the last sentence did catch our attention. He said:
“Do not let any small discomfort worry you. Call your doctor!”
Henry looked at his thumb and, picking up his cell phone, called Matt, a close friend of ours and a well known physician.
“Matt, after all these years I finally have an ailment. You will be happy to learn that I am human after all. I have suffered a minor accident. Actually a minor burn of the thumb as I moved a chafing dish.”
Matt proceeded to question Henry about the incident and finally he suggested he take Wachafine for a few days. Then they switched their conversation to the latest gossip at the club, the fact that Matt could not find nurses who spoke English and the outrageous fees the pharmaceutical companies were charging for simple comparison test that were normally performed by retired sanitation associates in two minutes flat.
“One last question” I heard Henry ask Matt “How often do I take these pills?’
“C’m on, Hank, read the vademecum!”
“What is a vademecum?”
“The printed piece of information about the pills that comes with the box.”
So we went to the pharmacy and bought a box of Wachafine. When we returned home, Henry went straight to the library and announced that he would read the vademecum before coming up to bed. I went to bed and fell asleep almost at once. I did not wake up until late the next morning. I noticed at once that Henry had not slept in our bed. I called him, thinking that he had fallen asleep and spent the night in the library.
I rushed downstairs and found Henry dead in his favorite reading sofa with the vademecum on his lap.
The doctors were not able to establish the cause of Henry’s death. The certificates beat around the bush and in the end put together some great mumbo jumbo with a clinical accent. Only the visiting Virgin Island doctor said something that made some sense. It was a brief reference to overloading brain circuits or something like that.
After a few months and having read about other deaths in conditions similar to that of Henry’s, I traveled to the Virgin Islands having decided to question the doctor who had been consulted upon Henry’s death. When I asked him to advance at least a wild theory, he said:
“Henry died victim of an ailment recently identified. It is a complicated cerebral action that blocks the normal assimilation of neuronal exchanges and leads to neutralization of nerve centers which in turn, once devoid of opposite inputs that stimulate other nerve centers and regulate muscular reactions that control other physical inputs, leads to serious slow-down of normal life activity. You husband was bored to death!”
“How can that be? We had the richest lives. We both loved to travel. We co-authored a number of books. We have two great children that are happily married and successful in their careers. We have no financial worries. Our intimate life is varied, interesting and exciting. We were as happy as two human beings can be. Further, he was the type of man that did not bore easily; he could find mystery and adventure in the most banal activity or event”
“I did not mean to imply that you contributed to his boredom and death. I think I have discovered the reason your husband died like he did”
“Will you tell me?”
“On one condition. You keep it to yourself. If it is known that I have isolated the cause, the entire Health care industry in the world will ban me from practicing medicine or even washing bicycles in the islands!”
“Agreed. Just between you and me. And Henry of course!”
“Henry was found dead in his favorite sofa. No trace of any abnormal or suspicious condition. He was reading when he died. His death was a sudden reduction of cerebral activity due to a negative current of reverse neuronal stasis, or being bored to death. Now, what caused this condition? My first reaction was that music had killed him. Second, that he was forced to listen to a speech by a candidate to the Supreme Court or a sermon by one of those billionaire ministers that received the call from the Lord when they were working in the Sanitation Department earning 2 dollars an hour.”
“So, what is it that killed him? The suspense is killing me!”
“It was the Wachafine Vademecum!”
THE END
Editor’s Note
The Wachafine (wachapiramate compound, non-acidosis hyperchloremic with a non-anion gap recognized in metabolic ketogenic cases or decreased serum bicarbonate) has been recognized as an inhibitor for the prophylaxis of migraine). The Vademecum describes in more than 3,000 words the warnings against using Wachafine, the precautions to be taken, including hyperammonerria and encephalopathy with comcomitant valproid acidity and valid pharmacological references that clarify potential infradiosis plus dosification, reactivity, etc. Then it goes on to describe Dosage and Administration in hepatically impaired users, individual Hydrochlothiazide interaction, Metformin Pharmacokinetcs trials along with Pioglitazone and of course propane hydroxisumatriptan when tested through carcinogenesis, mutagenesis and itchy thumbs.
Another Editor’s Note
The previous unfinished note was written by Aloysius B. Muldoon, an assistant editor, and had to be discontinued as he was suddenly taken to the Emergency Room of The Last Breath Clinic suffering from a negative current of reverse neuronal stasis. He was saved in the nick of time; the attending nurse took away the Wachafine vademecum he was reading and that had proven to be responsible for his sudden illness.
PS -The Wachafine vademecum is just one of a million such notes included in the boxes containing pills or other pharmaceutical products. In the last ten years, these deadly vademecums have increased their appearance in magazines, Sunday supplements, national circulation mags like National Geographic, Time magazine, Playboy, Morticians Ciao, etc., and even the Gideon Bibles. They are published using a very small letter so that 50 pages can be compressed into a single page.
Clubs are being formed to collect Vademecums and a school has been founded in Alabama devoted to study Vademecum Structure for the purpose of identifying all new Vademecums, especially those of the kind that can cause negative current reversal of neuronic stasis, which is beginning to rank with aviary flue.
An important member of the Government Administration, was a promoter of Tamiflu, the aviary flu antidote manufactured by the pharmaceutical laboratory of which he was a major shareholder, has announced that a vaccine and a new antidote against NCRNS will be available in the next few months. Unlike Tamiflu which so far has shown to be useless against aviary flu, which in itself is a non existing ailment, the Wachafine antidote is a mint-flavored tablet that also contains rum, making it quite exciting and enjoyable.
A major contract has already been signed between this laboratory and the Armed Forces. As a an influential member of the Government, he has been kind enough to facilitate the acquisition and distribution of this life-saving tablet to about 5 million members of the armed forced, including reserve units, veterans and war correspondents. Contracts have also been concluded with police departments across the nation and the Merchant Marine. He is now negotiating with the United Nations for a similar contract for the armed forces of many of the 185 member countries of the UN.