You are out and about in public, leisurely promenading the ocean sidewalk, shopping at the mall, or picking over fruit at the supermarket. When suddenly, you panic! You become violently sick to your stomach. Pain, nausea, and dyspepsia are racking your insides. A god-like eternal voice within tells you that you need salvation, that you need to get right with the Lord, and also to stop eating meals prepared by biker women. You’ve never been particularly religious, but now you are desperate to settle the salvation question and your eternal destination. You need an evangelical to lead you to Christ. Quickly! But where do you find one?
Rest easy. Your sudden compelling spiritual needs can be met. Evangelicals are all over the place. You can secure salvation if you simply follow the instructions listed in:
A Guide for Finding an Evangelical Christian When You Need One.
1. Look for an older affluent white man. Even better if there is an American flag on his lapel. Strike up a conversation with him. If within the first minute he tells you that he believes that the president is an alien, you are on the right track. But you are not quite home. He could be a banker. Further questions are in order. If he dismisses the claims of science and then begins to weep for the wholesale destruction of the American family by the liberals, you are getting very close, because in the whole wide world evangelicals love their families with an intensity second only to Mormons. If he tells you that he has a large family of tall, blond, tanned children, a number of them right now in Nigeria-run for your life! He is Mormon. (*NOTE: There is little material difference between Mormons and evangelicals and the two are often lumped together. Sinners should note that even though they usually dislike the same people, groups, and organizations, evangelicals can be marked by their added dislike for Mormons.) 2. Look for a white man wearing a variously-colored printed shirt which has a beach scene covering his entire thorax. If he seems hip, with it, has really cool spikey hair, you are in luck-he is undoubtedly the head pastor of a local evangelical church. You may proceed without delay to get on your knees and confess. Now, if you are black, you are really in luck. Blacks are a valued commodity for a mostly white evangelical church, and they will send buses to fetch you Sunday mornings. All female blacks are widely accepted, but male blacks are expected to join the choir. This requirement is based on the long-held theory that if you sing in a choir, you are less menacing. 3. Look for mothers getting out of the largest SUVs in the parking lot. Evangelicals need large vehicles to haul gear down to the border to supply the Minute Men, or even take a shift, so she might be a good bet. Do not approach her while she is in the vehicle, as she may be listening to Limbaugh. Wait for the commercial break. Christians are touchy about that. If her children stream out of the SUV wearing protective helmets, it’s looking good for your soul. If the children are tanned and wearing braces, and if the 38-year-old mother is tanned and wearing newly-fitted braces, they are most likely evangelicals, and you may go ahead and ask for prayer. On the other hand, maybe you should wait. SUVs and Limbaugh may only mean that you are merely in a Nordstroms parking lot in Newport Beach. (*NOTE: Dr. Dobson mandates helmet wear in the home for precious evangelical children-up and down stairs, in and out of bathtubs, sleeping on the top bunkbed.) 4. Look for soccer fields in better neighborhoods. Look for coaches who gather the squad and then voice a prayer. After the game, approach him. If he is tanned and wearing newly-fitted braces, ask him about salvation. 5. Look for large groups of happy mostly white people at ball games and pizza parlors, never in bars. Evangelicals typically socialize in numbers. Their men often travel to mountain retreats. So you’ll have to have your ratty-ass car in shape. There, atop a mountain, evangelical men wear Harvest Crusade shirts and will hug a lot. They take hikes bearing awe and reverence on their visage. Either that or they may have swallowed a blood-soaked tick. Often to God or to another they will bare their soul on or near a rock. Do not approach them in this, their reflective time. They will help you later back at the lodge. If you are female, lost and on your way to hell, you’ll have to travel to the desert. Evangelical women usually go to day spas. After hours of sun-pampered recline, and after the mud has been squirted off, they will be more receptive to the awful litany of your sins. It would help, though, if you covered your tattoos. At this woman’s retreat, be prepared, you may have to sit through a session listening to a noted Christian speaker recounting efforts to add to the Pledge of Allegiance the phrase…one nation under FatherGod. 6. Look for sullen, serious young men in Starbucks. You will see them studying the Word. They will invariably look like Harry Potter. They are to be distinguished from sullen, serious men playing online poker, who will periodically stand up and shout “One time!” You can ask the young evangelicals about God, but it will take all day. It could go much faster, except every declarative sentence is prefaced by “dude” or “bro” or “bra.” By the afternoon they will finally get to it, leading you to Christ. 7. Look for their churches. If you can’t find an evangelical believer, or if they are too busy for you, you may have to locate their houses of worship. They congregate in school auditoriums, or large cavernous buildings in industrial parks. Don’t waste time looking downtown or in the inner cities. Search the Yellow Pages or Google, under something like: “Lambs of God,” “The Rock Church,” “City at the Cross,” “God’s Lambs,” “Lambs on the March for Traditional Values” -something with biblical farm animals. If-my God!-after all this, you can’t find a church, you may also be an idiot as well as bound for hell. I suggest you repeat steps 1-6. 8. If all else fails, you may just have to move to Iowa.
I trust this guide will help. Good luck, and Go With God, and all that. But please, don’t call me. I got my own problems.