(Never underestimate a Queen & her money)
Columbus Day. That day when we reflect on our national heritage, recall our common status as immigrants, and pay grateful homage to a city in central Ohio.
We all know the story. In 1492, some Italian guy named Chris kept hitting on Isabella, the Queen of Castile. Finally, in an effort to hide from the hormone-infested maniac, Isabella renamed the country “Spain.” But Chris still didn’t take the hint. So in a last-ditch effort to shake him off, the Queen bought Chris some boats and commissioned him to sail west until he and his ships fell off the edge.
According to the internet, Christopher Columbus was born in 1451, sometime between August 25 and October 31, which is an awfully long time for a woman to be in labor, then or now.
(This may explain why Chris’ parents shoved him off to Castile.)
American children know Christopher Columbus as the man who discovered our country, and recognize him from a famous portrait … some uncomfortable guy, wearing what looks like a limp stealth bomber on his head and a lace Joe Cocker shirt beneath a Spanish Inquisition-era cloak, and nursing the tortured expression of someone with an irritated bowel. In fact, in places where people primarily speak Spanish – places like Spain, California, and most automated telephone systems – Columbus Day is known as “Dia de Cristobal Colon.”
An agonized colon. That may explain the Queen’s restraint. And the hat.
According to our internet research, our famous little Colon had four brothers. And according to the same research, the four brothers were named Bartolomeo, Giovanni Pellegrino, and Giacomo, and that, you’ll quickly notice is only three names, and that, in our opinion, pretty much sums up internet research.
We can only assume the fourth brother was given a name, possibly il Bastide, or lo Errore, or Son of Latte Delivery Man.
(And we can only hope that, given his family name, Mama & Papa Colon didn’t name the fourth kid Spastic, or Semi.)
So it’s really no surprise that Chris opted to sail away, rather than face an existence flush with missing siblings, snubs by pre-Spanish royalty, and all the inevitable Colon jokes. Plus, Chris had a sneaking suspicion that if he sailed west far enough, he would eventually land in India, or at least Brooklyn Heights.
Things moved pretty quickly after that. Chris purchased state-of-the-art maritime gear (two limes and a hat). He stocked up on supplies (rum). He outfitted a first-aid kit (more rum). In a move eerily similar to current Pentagon spending, Chris bought not one boat, but three. These are the now-famous trio of ships we all know and love: the el Nino, the Pentangle, and the Santa Clara (patron saint of Aunt Bee’s friends).
Captain Colon and crew spent the next five or six staggering dull weeks sailing the Atlantic, with no in-flight entertainment whatsoever other than one beat-up BetaMax copy of “H.M.S. Pinafore” and a very nervous fiddler nicknamed Teencie.
And finally, after many adventures and a mini-series starring Ed Asner, Teencie spotted land on 12 October 1492, the same year that West Virginia Senator Robert Byrd was born. After such an arduous voyage, the three crews collectively said “Yay” in Italian, and Chris named the island San Salvador, which confused the locals, who had always thought their place was called Guanahani. A petition was immediately filed for a zoning variance.
Of course, as we now know, Christopher Columbus “discovered” America in much the same way as Al Gore “invented” the internet. Lots of people were already here, running around respecting their environment and calling corn “maize.” But even those people originally came from somewhere else, having walked across the Bering Strait as part of a time-share discount weekend giveaway. Once here, they went forth and multiplied, mostly around freeway exits, due to their new-found fondness for Stuckey’s pecan logs.
Ultimately, our country was named after a different Italian explorer, a Florentine adventurer named United States Vespucci. But we still celebrate Columbus Day, because Vespucci Day rated poorly in the focus groups during the Great Marketing Synod of 1812, and Colon Day was already taken.
Columbus Day is an increasingly controversial holiday, because historians point out that millions of North America’s original pecan log fans died as a direct result of contact with European peoples. And if you’ve ever been trapped in a poorly-ventilated United Nations elevator, you’ll tend to agree.
(It’s true that many humans died after Columbus landed. However, to be fair, many humans died before Columbus landed, too. But that’s George Bush’s fault.)
According to our internet research, Columbus Day is also known as the unofficial start of the Christmas shopping season. Personally, we take issue with that claim, because where we live, the Christmas shopping season kicks in each year around the fifth of July. We do manage to postpone decorating the downtown area until Halloween or so. But as we postpone, we pout.
We’ve actually seen some cities that will just leave the powered-down Christmas lights in situ, forlornly hanging up there all year long. These are usually burgs with the population of an Appalachian high school, the budget of that school’s band department, and a name like Fred Unincorporated or Curdled Mohawk, Arkansas.
And don’t think that Columbus Day can escape good ol’ rugged American regionalism. This troubled holiday is celebrated very differently – if it’s celebrated at all – depending on where in the country you happen to be.
America’s first Columbus Day celebration took place in San Francisco in 1869. Among other events, there was an impromptu parade, featuring an Embarcadero exotic dancer named Lately Gaga (one of Teencie’s direct descendants) and several locals costumed, more or less, as sailors. Senator Robert Byrd served as Grand Marshall.
Despite their claim to first-ever status, however, Columbus Day is not officially recognized in California. Alternatively, some California cities celebrate Indigenous People’s Day, but nobody can spell “indigenous,” so they just stand around comparing divorce attorneys and eating pecan logs.
The first state-wide celebration of Columbus Day was held in 1907. For some reason, it was held in Colorado, possibly due to Colorado’s proximity to Santo Domingo and Cuba.
Minnesota recognizes Columbus Day, but they’re not thrilled about it. Minnesotans know that America was actually discovered by the legendary Viking, Norm Van Brocklin.
Hawaii (literal translation: “The land that consonants forgot”) gets in on the Columbus Day action, too, although Hawaii’s not even in the same ocean. However, in Hawaii, they don’t call it Columbus Day. In the Aloha State (literal translation: “Welcome! Get out!”), Columbus Day is known as “Landing Day” or, as the locals say, “Aaneeuuiaamumu.” (literal translation: “Continental breakfast not included”)
(According to an unconfirmed article on the internet, Columbus Day is not celebrated in South Dakota. But neither resident could be reached for comment.)
Finally, we note that Latino communities all across America also celebrate the anniversary of Chris’ first New World visit. But they call it “Dia de la Raza” (Day of the Race), and here at Internet Research Central, we have absolutely no idea what “Day of the Race” has to do with a jilted fifteenth-century Italian kid, with an agonized intestine, whose family was named after a punctuation mark.
And so it goes.
Goodbye, Columbus.