I was going through a bunch of old photos last night and stumbled upon a picture I don’t remember seeing as a kid. We didn’t have many pictures of my older brother and I as kids but this one made me think. The back of the photo said I was 4-years-old. I won’t mention the year, of course that doesn’t matter and the classic VW bug behind us, well it wasn’t a classic just yet when the photo was taken.
Reflection
In my reflection of old family photos, I seemed to be happy, carefree; what do I know at four? The smiles and funny antics my brother, cousins and I got into, I began to think, “If I knew then, what I know now, would I have wanted to live my life?” My instant answer would have been no; mainly because I would have focused on the negative things that have occurred. The pain, the sorrow, the grief, disappointment, rejection… and then what four-year-old would want to live their life knowing that in three years she would have a baby brother with cerebral palsy and she would always be worried for his care. What child would want to know that before she graduates from high school her mother would suffer a debilitating stroke and never fully recover, or watch her mother struggle through the final months of her life and die at the young age of 58?
What child would think they had a bright future if they were told to enjoy all of what you have now because there will be a time that you won’t have your family, your innocence will be robbed, you will live far from the only home and family that you know and rarely see them? The disappointment surpasses many of the blessings. It can be blinding.
Do We Really Want to Know Our Future?
I thought if God allowed us to know our fate before we even began our lives, we would be depressed, angry and defeated – how many kids would commit suicide over knowing so much? How many parents would allow their child to know all that her life would hold? Would my parents not try to protect my innocence, my youth?
I believe that my parents would have begged and pleaded that such a fate would not be known to me and I would live out my life day by day so that I could grow up to keep that spirit of hope and innocence for as long as I could, knowing that my parents would love me and always be with me, even if that were not the total truth – a kid just needs a sense of security.
I think about this verse often: God knows the plans He has for me
Jeremiah 29:11-14 “For I know the plans I have for you,” says the LORD. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope. In those days when you pray, I will listen. If you look for me wholeheartedly, you will find me. I will be found by you,” says the LORD. “I will end your captivity and restore your fortunes. I will gather you out of the nations where I sent you and will bring you home again to your own land.”
Intrigued by Mini-Me
All of these emotions rushed over me as I thought that God is a gracious God. Although He knows the plans and foresees all that is in our lives, He reveals only as much as He knows that we can bear. There are many times I am hesitant to move forward until I know the entire plan of action, where I’m going and how I’m going to get there. But then I must remember that 4-year-old in me. God has a plan and as a child of His, He is determined to protect me and to give me hope. He, like my parents who raised me, will give me enough information to proceed to where His will is as I seek Him first (Matt 6:33). I look upon my 4-year-old “mini-me” self and thank God that I don’t know the whole future. I would be reluctant to step outside, I would try to self-preserve and honestly, I may just do nothing because of fear of failure and hurt. My hope is in Christ. I know and now earnestly ask that the Lord reveal to me only as much as I need to take the next steps in life as He guides me.
My Prayer
Father thank you for your Holy Spirit that guides and protects. Thank you for giving me a good and gracious life. Thank you for my childhood. Thank you for loving parents who did the best they could with what they had. And most of all Lord, thank you for being my Heavenly Father and reminding me why you reveal as much as you do and that I can move forward in your will without knowing what the next 40 years will hold in this life.