Somebody Killed a Space Alien, and Left it in Front of My House

by on March 7th, 2015
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I don’t know why someone would do this, but somebody killed a space alien and left the body in front of my house. I am guessing the government, most likely the army. The nine foot tall stick creature has several bullet holes in what appears to be it’s head. I am guessing they had some sort of problem with it. Perhaps it was buzzing the White House or something. So they shot at it and it stumbled onto my lawn where it died. Then they just left it there for me to clean up.

I do not appreciate this. It’s green blood is quite toxic, and has killed most of the grass. It is giving off this putrid smell and the neighbors are complaining. It is not easy getting rid of a giant insect like creature. It does not fit into any of my garbage cans, and the sanitation department refuses to pick up carcases anyway. I suppose I should break out the chain saw and dissect it into chunks, stuffing them into trash bags. But why should I be the one who does all this work? Why can’t someone else cart E.T. away? It’s these damn budget cuts. When I was growing up the government would collect and dispose of dead aliens. But not no more. I am sure whatever secret department that was once responsible for doing this has been eliminated.

Maybe I should just dig a large hole, push the creature in, and bury it. That’s what our ancestors would do. The problem is that if I do that then some weird alien stuff might grow out of the grave. Maybe I should get some gasoline and burn the body. But then there would just be a pile of bones and charred flesh I would still need to get rid of. There is an abandoned house down the end of my street that people have dumped trash in front of. Maybe I should cart the alien over there and dump it. Maybe I should just open a manhole and stuff it down the sewer.

I could call the police. Technically it is a murder or something. They could take the body to the morgue for an autopsy and it would no longer be my problem. I could probably list the thing on Ebay. People buy all sorts of crap on that site, maybe someone wants a nine foot blue and red mantis-like thing from another world. I do have that box of M-80s I was meaning to use since July 4th. Maybe I could just blow the thing up. Then again, do I want it’s guts and exoskeleton all over the side of my house?

Or maybe I should just contact the guy’s home planet. I am sure he has some sort of communicator on his body. And I am sure by now they are wondering why he has not returned. I could call them up and tell them to drop by our planet and remove their dead friend from my lawn. The problem is that I do not want them blaming me for this. I don’t want to spend the evening fighting off angry vengeful aliens. I have other things to do.

No, this is the government’s fault. They should be the ones cleaning up their mess. I just wish I knew who to call. It’s body is starting to turn purple.

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