Too often, many of us unwittingly become victims of gaslighting. Thankfully, today there is an increasing awareness of what gaslighting is and the types of tactics that abusers use.
Back in 1944, the film Gaslight was released. Actor Charles Boyer played a diabolical, Victorian criminal husband. The part of the wife, who was emotionally fragile, was played brilliantly by Ingrid Bergman. Boyer’s character’s goal was to systematically and methodically torment, menace and drive his wife mad.
The title of the film referred to the frequent dimming and flickering of the gaslights. The phrase “to gaslight” someone, to deliberately drive someone insane by psychologically manipulating their environment, was derived from the film.
Gaslighting Happens in Stages
According to Robin Stern, Ph. D., the stages of gaslighting are:
Disbelief-When the first sign of gaslighting occurs, you think of the interaction as a strange behavior. During this first stage, things happen between you or your partner-or boss, friend, family member-that seem odd to you. Defense-Where you are defending yourself against the gaslighter’s manipulation. For example, you tell your boss you are unhappy about the assignments you’ve been getting. Instead of addressing the issue, he tells you that you are too sensitive and stressed out. Depression-By the time you get to this stage you are experiencing a noticeable lack of joy. You hardly recognize yourself anymore. You begin to blame yourself for your perceived inadequacies. People around you may express concern and treat you like you really do have a problem.
This is What Happened to Me
This incident happened as my former husband, a Marine Corps Vietnam War combat veteran with untreated Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder, descended into an alcohol addiction. Many years into our marriage, my husband reached the point where he was calling me to pick him up from a bar or wherever he happened to be, while spending his time getting intoxicated.
One night he called around 12:30 a.m. He was extremely belligerent, and ordered me to come get him immediately. Though I was already in my pajamas, I knew that I’d better do as I was told. By now I was very fearful he would get a DUI, or worse yet, kill himself or someone else, while driving home.
When I arrived at his office, which was adjacent to a friend’s condo, he was nowhere to be found. I became alarmed, as there was a small lake behind the office. I was afraid he might have stumbled into it and drowned.
I walked to his friend’s place and frantically asked if he’d seen my husband. “He was here a while ago. I guess he left.”
“Well, that’s odd. He told me to come get him,” I replied.
“He probably went home,” the friend said, nonchalantly, obviously quite inebriated himself.
I drove home with my hands shaking, my stomach in knots, feeling a combination of fury and dread. When I pulled into our driveway, I was shocked to see my husband’s car was there. I reached our front doorway and fumbled around in the dark with my key. It didn’t seem to fit in the lock.
After several attempts, I was close to hysteria. “This is insane,” I muttered. I then thought of a small flashlight that I kept in the glove compartment. I retrieved it, and shone the light upon the door lock. I was stunned to find a safety pin shoved into the keyhole.
In shock and disbelief, I spit out “I can’t believe this.” Moments later, I asked myself, pitifully, “Have I done something wrong?” My mind was in turmoil, and nothing made sense. My life was spinning out of control. I was slowly losing my grip on reality. Yet, on some deep, primal level, I knew I wasn’t the crazy one.
The next day I confronted my husband, and told him I was aware of his little ploy. He looked at me as if I were the deluded one. He said “I don’t know what you’re talking about. You must have been dreaming.” By this time, I knew it was useless to pursue the subject.
Looking back on the incident, I believe my husband was consciously or subconsciously, trying to deflect my attention away from his irresponsible, dangerous behavior. The intent was to keep me off balance and confused emotionally so that I wouldn’t have the strength to confront him when he was sober and demand an end to his abuse.
This incident was just one of many that began to erode my faith in myself, and lessened my ability to trust my own memory and perceptions.
Looking Back with New Eyes
It took me many years to recognize what had happened to me. My gaslighting husband and I finally divorced after a nineteen-year marriage. I believe part of the reason was that I eventually began to realize that my life was out of control and started to make changes.
I reached out for help and began going to counseling. As I grew stronger emotionally, he drew further and further away. I was no longer as controllable as I’d once been. While the divorce was excruciating, with help, support, education, and awareness, I finally achieved a measure of peace. Being able to put a name to this aspect of the marital abuse was very helpful in my recovery.
There is Good News
Dr. Stern asserts, “Remember, there is good news about identifying the Gaslight Effect. The good news is that knowledge is power. Once you can name this all too insidious dynamic, you can work towards changing the dynamic, or getting out-take back your reality, and get more enjoyment from your life and relationships.”
Now I understand that gaslighting is more prevalent than one might believe. Plus, as I continue to learn about its many manifestations, I know I will be far less likely to become a victim of it in the future.
My hope is that others will learn from my experience, and refuse to become a victim too.
Sources:
Article: Power in Relationships–How You Get It; How You Keep It; How You Give It Away. Robin Stern, Ph. D. May 19, 2009.
http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/power-in-relationships/200905/are-you-being-gasli…
http://www.filmsite.org/gasl.html