Today I was reading my FaceBook news feed when I saw this gem posted by a dear female friend (in Italics):
Five Deadly Terms Used by Women.
Fine – used to end an argument when the woman knows she is right and wants you to shut up. Nothing – actually means “something.” Be worried. Very worried. Go Ahead – this is a dare, not permission. Don’t do it. Whatever – a woman’s way of saying “(bleep) you!” That’s OK – You’ll pay for this. Maybe not now, but you’ll pay for this.
Here’s my tongue-in-cheek analysis of it.
I read that list the first time and laughed. Then I re-read it and realized that my friend was absolutely right. There are women who use this kind of confusing, frustrating, reverse-psychology, Orwellian-doublespeak style of language. It occurred to me that this may be one of the reasons communication breaks down between men and women.
Men are more like dogs – up front, easily understood, and direct. If a dog wants a snack it begs. If it wants to go out it heads right to the door. Men, dog-like as we are, are transparent and blunt.
Women? Cats. Totally cats.
They are aloof, confusing, and unclear about their intentions. They seem ready to curl around your leg in an apparent gesture of affection but are actually marking you as a possession. They’ll hide behind things and pounce on you without warning for some transgression you’ve long since forgotten.
Perhaps it’s not the aging process that leaves men gray-haired and bald. I’m forced to consider the possibility that men go bald because they are yanking their own hair out in their sleep as they suffer nightmares about a world where the spoken word is meaningless. Then they wake up and realize it wasn’t just a bad dream and their hair starts turning white from shock.
Let’s compare those five female definitions to the male versions.
Male Equivalents
Fine – used when everything is fine. Really. It’s fine. Often used as a response to “trap questions.” Woman: “How do I look in this outfit?” Man: “You look fine. Can you show me these outfits on the commercials? I’m watching the game.” Nothing – used as a response to questions like “What’s up?” or “What’s wrong?” when nothing is up and nothing is wrong. Often accompanied by confusion when the questioner looks like she is assuming something is up or something is wrong. Woman: “What’s going on between you and that other girl?” Man: “Nothing. She’s a TV cheerleader. They come on sometimes while I am watching the game.” Go ahead – used to indicate that someone should go ahead and do something he or she wants to do. Really. We mean it. Woman: “Can I go shopping with the girls while you watch the game?” Man: “Go ahead. Let me get the door for you.” Whatever – indicates the man has no opinion on the subject at hand. Seriously. We couldn’t care less. Woman: “What do you want for dinner?” Man: “Whatever. I’m watching the game.” That’s OK – indicates neutrality or agreement with whatever subject was just raised. It’s not too good, not too bad, six of one, half a dozen of the other. Woman: “Honey, I accidentally broke the TV remote.” Man: “That’s OK. I was going to the electronics store anyway, I’ll pick up a nicer one before the game.”
See how easy that is? Simple, dog-like. Give that guy a bone. Scratch him behind the ears. Good boy! Let’s see what a man might say to carry the meanings given in the Deadly Women’s Phrases.
Male Meanings
You’re wrong and the argument needs to be over – “Honey, I don’t mean to upset you, but I think maybe the sun doesn’t rise in the north. We can look it up online after the game.” Something’s actually wrong – “Yeah, honey, something’s bothering me. You’re talking to me from right in front of the TV during the game.” You’d darn well better not do that – “I dare you. I double-dog-dare you. If you do that we are having a fight when I am done watching this game.” (Bleep) You! – “(Bleep) You! You’re really doing to bring this up during the game?” You’re going to pay for this – “This isn’t over. We are going to have words right after the game.”
See how much easier it is to understand that?
Ladies, we get it. We know that deep down there is a little voice saying “If he loves me he’ll understand me well enough to sift through the jumbled mess of contradictory messages and divine my real meaning.” We do love you, I promise. We just don’t understand why you want to make it such a chore to understand you. Particularly when our minds are focused on the game.
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