When faced with an attack from a single zombie, most folks reach for a pistol or shotgun. Not so fast, says a FEMA report which concludes the slingshot should be the weapon of choice when engaging a lone zombie.
“I know the handgun seems to be a logical choice given its ease of use and accuracy,” said FEMA officer Major Eugene Trotter. “However, if you use a gun the loud noise will attract other zombies and you will shortly find yourself a human Twinkie.”
Major Trotter, who has been with FEMA for the past seven years, has an extensive background in weaponry from his service in the Navy Seals.
“In the Seals, part of your training revolves around the ability to design and construct rudimentary weapons. The slingshot is one of the most basic and deadliest forms of such weaponry. Think about it – since the days of David and Goliath, the sling has been a very effective and damaging tool. The slingshot is its simpler yet effective little brother.”
Major Trotter is one of the elite task force heading to Pleasant, PA where zombies have terrorized the small town for the past few weeks. His mission will entail a combination of emergency support for the townspeople and to provide his unique fighting experience in assisting local authorities.
“It’s very simple,” explained Major Trotter. “Kill the brain – kill the zombie. It’s that easy.”
To prepare an already tense public in the case of additional zombie assaults, FEMA has answered with the report “Zombie Combat: The Slingshot.” In its study, FEMA concluded that this form of weaponry should be utilized first when single encounters occur. The report did, however, reiterate that rapid fire weapons should be used where there are three of more engaged zombies.
“It is important that the public does not panic,” said Major Trotter. “I understand their fear and apprehension but I also ask they have confidence in law enforcement officials in time of need.”
In almost all fifty states, gun and armament shops have been inundated with requests for any weapon available. Firing ranges have reported wait times of up to two hours for individuals anxious to try out their new purchases.
“It’s madness,” exclaimed Joe Bob McHenry, owner of McHenry’s Gun and Rifle in Centerville, PA. “All sorts of people are coming to the range – grandmas and grandpas, a reverend from the church across the street. Heck, we have even had folks tryin’ to bring children as young as seven to fire a gun. People have gone nuts.”
Major Trotter has a warning for these citizens. “I have seen great damage done when the public takes firearms into their own hands,” he said as he shook his head. “Unless people have extensive training, they need to leave this to the local police and militia.”
Trotter encourages all citizens to consider using the slingshot whenever appropriate.
For further information on slingshots and safety tips, go to the FEMA web site. Once at the homepage, users can access the ‘Zombie/Weapons’ link. This link provides practical information on building a slingshot, proper loading techniques, and treating slingshot related injuries.