10. The person who invented the automatic flush feature on public toilets obviously never had to potty-train a 3-year old who was absolutely convinced that the untimely (and very loud) feature would knowingly be the cause of the toddlers demise. This invention has led to a general fear of toilets in the toddler community and a mass refusal to sit on the darn thing.
9. There is a proportional relationship between the importance of a person with whom you are speaking to while holding your little one and that child’s necessity to perform a thorough manual breast exam during that particular conversation. The more important the person is with whom you are speaking, the more detailed and thorough the breast exam.
8. Baby registries should really include bedding and decor for adult bedrooms versus children’s bedrooms since, it seems, the majority of children much prefer the coloring and comfort of their parents’ bedroom as opposed to their own.
7. Sometime after they are born, all children develop an internal magnetic force that garners its strength when a child closes its eyes. This leads to an odd rotating effect that physically drives children to sleep horizontally versus vertically wherever and whenever possible.
6. Whenever a parent is dressed nicely, there is an instinctual need for a child to covertly place a dollop of spit-up in a location beyond the site of the parent but well within the visual acuity range of everyone else.
5. Regardless of location, the last diaper a parent has on-hand for use will be the diaper that must, somehow, manage to capture and contain the largest poop that that child will successfully eliminate that particular week.
4. Upon entering any remotely unsanitary location and being specifically told not to touch anything, all children will proceed to politely ask if they can touch every object in the vicinity.
3. Regardless of a child’s age, all children require a mother’s presence in the bathroom. It doesn’t even have to be their own specific mother. Any mother will do under such circumstances since, apparently, after giving birth, all mother’s are uniquely gifted with an incredible power of elimination. This power, it seems, is more effective than Ex-Lax.
2. Nothing on the planet is more slippery than a wet child.
1. The mere act of sitting down to a table full of food is the universal alarm clock that will successfully awaken any sleeping child.
To all mothers – be sure to embrace your ever-challenging, all important role in life and remember to laugh about it every once in a while.