Iowa Grants Sheep the Right to Vote (A Satire)

by on November 9th, 2010
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As of 1:00 AM CST, Governor Mitt Romney has won the Iowa Caucus. Senator Rick Santorum follows in a close second place. Romney won the votes of over 30,000 Iowans, while Santorum won a similar amount of votes from a rather unlikely crowd: sheep that were just granted the right to vote.

The Iowa Board of Elections decided, at the last minute, on Tuesday that in order to guarantee a large turnout for the Caucus elections that night, they would guarantee sheep the right to vote. This act was carried out under the Board of Elections’ “Can You Vote? Yes Ewe Can!” program. “The program is designed so that voting is not limited to only humans,” says Board of Elections chairman Ed Sillyvan, “I mean, it’s pure common sense. Sheep should be allowed to vote.”

The decision was made around 3:00 PM CST, 4 hours before voting began. Farmers and sheep herders began informing their herd immediately. The sheep were enthralled, but surprisingly confused. “They were excited to vote,” said sheep herder Rod McDawdy, “but they didn’t know who to vote for. So what I did was I had my wife Claire bring out the television set from the living room and we turned on CNN to help them decide. And, like clockwork, they began chanting, ‘Santorum! Santorum! Santroum!’ It was…interesting, at best.” With less than a half an hour until the caucus meetings opened, McDawdy readied his herd and he took them to his township meet-up place.

Surprisingly, McDawdy wasn’t the only one who used media-influence to help newly-privileged sheep decide who they wanted. McDawdy’s neighbor Clancy Downes told us, “They were anxious to vote but they needed a candidate to vote for, you see. And I instinctively thought, ‘Maybe Fox News can help.’ So then I brought my sheep into the living room and parked them in front of the TV. I’m serious–within a minute later they were cheering for Senator Santorum. Personally, I support Ron Paul. However, and I knew this well at the time, these sheep are now experiencing the beauty of trusting a candidate, and I let them do just that.”

“CNN has the right idea,” said Davenport resident Mike Flockings, “my sheep Basil watched CNN for a bit and he decided that Santorum was the best thing ever. My two other sheep-owning friends told me their sheep like Santroum as well. He must be super-popular to sheep–it’s as if they just can’t get enough Santorum.”

One anonymous Iowan filmed a group of Santorum-supporting sheep running to their polling place. Unfortunately, the sheep had to wait for hours, as viewers can tell by the fact that the sun is still out in the video. The passionate sheep killed time by throwing a last-minute sign bomb over the interstate for drivers passing through their town.

When polling began at 7 PM CST, the sheep were far from hesitant about speaking on behalf of their candidate. In fact, a poll shows that the only two candidates who had speakers at every single precinct were Congressman Ron Paul and Rick Santorum.

However, voters were not pleased with the new crowd. Just ask voter Emily Thinkingson, “It was obnoxious. The room smelled like a barn and the Santorum sheep would not quiet down.” But it doesn’t stop there. Apparently ballots cast by the sheep were impossible to read. One voter told us that all you could see was a hoof-print covering several candidates’ names. Luckily, they knew exactly who they voted for.

As the race went along, Paul was staying in a strong third place, while Romney and Santorum were fighting for first. When all was said and done, the only people left to vote were eight news anchors, who were too busy covering the election to vote. They got a quick break to cast their vote, and they voted for Romney, giving him the small boost to victory. In the end, the sheep were proud that they came in second.

The Ron Paul supporters were still happy with third. “It was a strong third place,” said Ron Paul-supporting precinct captain Jessie Flank, “we were expecting second because the polls were showing that. I guess the sheep said otherwise.” Ron Paul fans rejoice in the fact that all three top-tier candidates tied in delegates, including the 6 for Santorum that hold the record for being the first-ever animal delegates.

Rick Santorum addressed his supporters at the end of the night. He was very grateful, especially to his large sheep fanbase, or as he called it, “sheepbase.”

“Santorum was close as close can be,” continued Flank, “but this is just Iowa. I’m more than confident that New Hampshire, and the rest of America for that matter, won’t allow sheep to vote.”

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