There are several common blunders for a band’s first gig, but if you truly want to stand out as terrible from the rest of the train wrecks, you will have to commit them all. These are my top 10 rules to ensure your first gig becomes a disaster.
1) First rule is to never arrive on time regardless of how close you are from the gig. If it takes you 10 minutes to get to the show, then leave a good half an hour after you are scheduled to go on. Being fashionably late will help establish your band’s rock ‘n’ roll image and set the mood for the rest of the night. Making the audience wait will definitely increase anticipation.
2) Always arrive with the bare minimum. Amps, pedals, cables and other non-essentials should be left to those that are less talented than yourself – your guitar is all you need to bring. For those that are true rock stars, go with nothing else than your God-given talent, and demand that instruments be provided upon your arrival.
3) Make sure to have a couple of drinks before playing to get yourself pumped up. The formula is the more drinks you consume, the bigger your stage presence will be, so drink up. Aside from providing a rock star confidence, a couple of drinks will also help you to be more musical and creative in your playing. It’s been proven by countless karaoke bar nights.
4) Speaking about creativity, it will be much more impressive if you improvise your entire performance instead of playing a rehearsed set list. The more obscure your improvisational jams can be, the better. Adding a seven minute guitar solo to your nine-minute song is sure to get the crowd going, and if they don’t enjoy your artistic ability, then ignore them. They obviously don’t understand true music and are hopeless. Remember that your jam sessions should be focused on expressing yourself instead of pleasing the audience.
5) Contrary to popular belief, the sound check guy doesn’t actually do anything important. He merely turns knobs in random directions, and you should remind him of that if he decides to give you any advice. Don’t listen to him when he talks about the sound mix of your instruments or gives you advice on positioning the amps. If you are unsure just ask yourself whether a rock star would put with such insolence.
6) You must tune your guitar between EVERY song to ensure the quality of your playing. Don’t mute the guitar to let the audience know that you can in fact tune a guitar. Take as long as you need to get it perfectly in tune, but don’t interact with the crowd during this process. Simply talk among your fellow band members or stare down at your instrument like you have never seen such an object before in your life.
7) Louder is better, so it is important that you perform your best by turning up your amps to the max – that is 11 if your amps have numbers – and hit the audience with a wall of sound. Perhaps give your drummer a pair of wrenches to play instead of sticks, and tell him to hit them as loud as he physically can.
8) If at some point during the show you make a mistake, however unlikely, stop playing immediately and let the audience know that you have to restart the song because of it.
9) Mystery always attracts attention. Therefore, don’t remind people of your band’s name. If they truly want to listen to your music, they will find a way. Bringing along merchandise with your band’s name would obviously violate this rule.
10) After finishing your mind-blowing jam session, you should take care not to talk to any people, but leave immediately after packing up. Playing hard to get will attract attention to your band and create a buzz. They will ask themselves who was that band that rocked so hard and left us wanting more, and not merely because you never mentioned your band’s name either.
If you manage to follow every single rule on my list, then I promise your audience will not be quick to forget your performance. Just don’t expect to play again at the venue or gain any new fans.