Why does the Super Bowl even need a big, glossy, forgettable halftime show, anyway? Maybe if they could figure out a way to make the games better, the commercials and awful midpoint entertainment wouldn’t be so important. When it comes to picking the five worst Super Bowl halftime shows, you have a much bigger pool from which to choose than if you were to try to pick the five best, that’s for sure!
Super Bowl XLV: Steelers v. Packers
Did you ever see the episode of “Modern Family” where much is made over the tackiness of the illuminated dress little Lily wears as the flower girl at a wedding? Well, guess what: The makers of “Modern Family” were doubtlessly watching the Black Eyed Peas’ halftime show. First question: Who on earth thought Black Eyed Peas were a big enough act to warrant a Super Bowl invitation? Second: Was that just one song they played or a medley … hard to tell since it all sounded the same. Memo to Super Bowl entertainment bookers: Don’t be suckered into any more flavor-of-the-month acts. Also, wouldn’t it be cool to pick a contemporary act that can actually sing and doesn’t need to be autotuned? I know that severely narrows the field, but even so.
Super Bowl XXIX: Chargers v. 49ers
It was officially titled “Indiana Jones and the Temple of the Forbidden Eye.” That is just the beginning of what makes this perhaps the standard by which bad halftime shows will forever be judged. In fact, the entire production was merely a great big commercial for ABC and its parent company Disney. Disney exploited couch potatoes around the world by using the Super Bowl break to shill their newest theme park ride built around the Indiana Jones franchise. The only thing that could have made this worse would be if that had really been Harrison Ford up there on that stage. It wasn’t. Thank God.
Super Bowl X: Cowboys v. Steelers
The bicentennial edition of the Super Bowl was not the only appearance by Up With People, but it represents the ultimate perspective on just what it is like to watch a bunch of overly pepped young volunteers singing songs of extraordinarily lame arrangement about America’s best. If you really want to enjoy the experience of Up With People, then watch the “Simpsons” episode featuring the spoof act Hooray for Everything!
Super Bowl XXIII: Bengals v. 49ers
The name of the central act was Elvis Presto, but not a single song made famous by Elvis Presley was sung! In addition to that oddity, the reason for this halftime show being a rival to the Indiana Jones commercial is that it was a commercial for a commercial. Yeah, the entire thing was sponsored by Diet Coke to hype the premiere of their now forgotten 3D commercial.
Super Bowl XXV: Giants v. Bills
So awful was the halftime show for one of the best Super Bowls ever that nobody even saw it. That’s what you get for thinking New Kids on the Block are worthy of such an audience. Rather than risk millions of viewers turning the channel and never coming back, ABC aired a live news update on Gulf War, part I.
For more from Timothy Sexton, check out:
Why the Undefeated 1972 Miami Dolphins Deserve a Movie
Should Hard Liquor Ads Be Aired During the Super Bowl?