The Anti Rules of Dating

Girls, there’s some things that just won’t wash in the murky, dark and complicated world they call ‘dating’. It’s never as simple as ‘I like you, you like me, let’s get together’. Hell no, it’s a minefield of ‘do I call?’, ‘what does that text mean?’, ‘shall I put a x at the end?’, ‘was that excuse a brush off?’ and ‘just what the hell do I do at the end of the first date?’

Yes ladies, the first flush of romance is filled with nerves, anxiety, stress and just a little bit of excitement somewhere in the middle of all that. It’s quite frankly a total stressfest. Why the hell do we put ourselves through this misery? Well, because it’s quite fun really, in a sadistic kind of way.

So we all know the things we should do, you know, the smile, flirty looks, not giving away too much detail, not dressing too sluttily but just leaving enough to the imagination, looking interested when he drones on about football and chatting about anything you can think of in desperation to avoid the awkward silence, but just what should we not do?

Fret not, I’m here to save the day.

Do not wear anything overly composed of leather, lace or studs. This is a bit of a grey area really and shows the major differences between men and women. Leather is quite in fashion at the moment, I like a leather jacket over a girly floral dress, it toughens it up whilst still being feminine, however I have it on good authority that it just gives off the wrong impression to your potential suitor. Why? Leather in a man’s mind automatically sends blood rushing south. This is not a good thing on a first date. Well, not if you weren’t planning on it ending quite so intimately. So if you really must wear something that contains one of these three items, keep it minimal, just a hint. If you’re wanting the picture to avoid, think Cher in the ‘If I Could Turn Back Time’ video. You know the one.

Equally, do not wear anything so “fashionable” it makes you look like Lady Gaga. You know those pages of glossy magazines that are full of fashion shoots and quite frankly clothes that you would never wear in real life – who wears a kilt in snow?! Well some fashionable trends can actually be quite hideous, or threatening. Most men hate Ugg boots. Now why you’d wear Ugg boots on a date is beyond me, but you get the picture. I’m thinking harem pants, that kind of thing, the items of clothing that only look good on certain people. Wear what flatters you, not something that makes you look like a car crash of colours, patterns and layers.


Do not only talk about the weather.
Okay, I’m British, the weather is a national obsession, and it’s easy to slip into this comfortable and safe subject. That’s fine, so long as it’s just a mention, not a full blown weather girl account of Hurricane Irene blowing away in the Atlantic, or the incoming cold front from Norway. Try to be a little more original.


Avoid all talk of The Ex.
Obvious, I know, but really, you’re there with him, if you drone on about how your ex tried to get custody of the cat, or ramble on about how you’re sooooo over him, well quite frankly you look like you’re sooooo not over him, and the dude sitting in front of you will be looking at his watch and wondering when he can get out of there politely. It’s done, it’s over, move on, preferably to the fella sitting there with you.

Equally, do not ask about his ex either. He’s there with you, he doesn’t want to talk about it, either that or you run the risk of him droning on about his ex and how he’s soooo over her. He’s obviously sooooo not over her. Keep it zipped, think proactive and looking forward, not back.

Do not get completely and utterly paralytic. If you’re a bit of a lightweight, like me, it’s best to alternate your drinks, or at least stick to something that isn’t going to have you falling off your chair with your skirt around your neck. Trust me, it’s not a good look, and it takes some coming back from that.


Stick to the truth.
I guess this goes without saying really. Little white lies are acceptable, such as ‘your shirt is nice’, when quite frankly it’s hideous, just don’t make up some big back story about how you’re the daughter of a multi-millionaire but you decided to try and live like ‘the normal folk’ for a bit of life affirmation, or anything like that. You will trip yourself up at some stage, especially when your folks end up being your normal, run of the mill parents, and not Richard Branson.

This is not the time to share your dream wedding scenario or spill all on the names you have picked out for your first born. You may be caught in the snowball effect of early romance, you might be totally convinced this guy is the one, and hey, he might be, but this is definitely not the time or place to go freaking him out with sponge or fruit wedding cake/state or private school conversations. Save that for a few years down the line, okay?


Don’t be a bitch.
Yes, that girl that has just walked into the bar is wearing a skirt that is far too short, and yes she really ought to have worn knickers with it, but try to avoid commenting, even though you’re bursting to. Bitchiness is not an attractive quality, and just because that blonde in the corner happens to be quite pretty, and you’re feeling nervous and self-conscious, there’s really no need to turn into the green eyed monster. Be nice.

The most important rule of all. Do not be someone you aren’t. Simple, easy, and probably more important than all the other nine ‘rules’ put together. Just be yourself.

So what have we learned? Well, not to wear hideous outfits that will blind him, not to sit there wittering on about how Pablo, your Spanish waiter ex, cheated on you with a girl called Veronica, and not to sound like a weather girl. But really, there are no rules when you think about it. Just be yourself, say what comes naturally (with a little bit of thought beforehand) and don’t accidentally throw your drink over him whilst animatedly talking about wedding cakes.

What could be easier?

Good luck ladies!


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