In a few months, I’ll celebrate 25 years of marriage to my first and only husband. When people ask about our recipe for relationship glue, I point out that we’ve made every mistake in the book and probably invented some. The failures, especially those we knowingly committed (and learned from), have taught us much more than any successes, particularly accidental ones. These are our classic “been there, done that” communication mistakes, along with bits of wisdom we’ve gained from those mistakes.
* Lies, black and white: Lying equals cheating in a relationship and cheating equals stealing from the emotional trust fund a good relationship needs. Healthy truth is relationship cement. It’s not necessary to be graphic or cruel, but constant repression of feelings or suppression of fact will corrode.
* Truth and nothing but: If your husband asks you about a former relationship, be honest but don’t go into lurid detail. It’s hard enough to hear about other relationships without having to wonder if you were really happier with that other guy. I’ve asked myself: is what I’m saying meant to hurt or help? Answer the question asked, don’t read into it.
* Secrets, dirty or otherwise: Secret-keeping is habit-forming and toxic. Dr. John Bradshaw calls shame “the tie that binds.” That’s not the kind of glue I want for my relationship. I know shame, merited and undeserved; I’m learning to look shame in the eye to see if it’s really something I need to hide or feel guilty about. Caveat: i f you have to lie or sneak to avoid someone’s unwarranted wrath, that’s not your shame and it’s probably time to end that relationship.
* Sharing the load vs. dumping: I’m not my husband’s personal toxic waste dump, nor is he mine. Bear one another’s burdens, but do it together. One person isn’t the emotional pack mule.
* Fight club rules: Private stuff should stay that way. It’s okay to occasionally confide personal details to a trusted friend, but only if you really want to hear advice. Don’t just air your dirty laundry: no one wants to see it. It’s awkward and too much information.
* Communicate, don’t monopolize: There’s a difference between honest sharing and relentless pontificating on every subject, asked for or not. Diatribes are self-dramatizing, presumptuous and patronizing. Lectures belong in the classroom; rants belong on blogs where people can choose to read or not. There may be times when one person does more talking than the other, but the role of listener should fluctuate between both partners. Active listening and mutual exchange a great binders.
* Allies, not axis powers. I grew up competing for necessities; consequently, I was a critical, self-righteous person who always felt she had to outshine others to be acceptable. I had to unlearn that habit and learn cooperation. I had to learn that there was plenty of love for everyone and that I didn’t have to win it.
* KISS (Keep it safe and sound):Most of us deal with enough criticism and negativity in our work world; we don’t need to hear it from each other in the sanctuary of our home. If one has a gripe, we’re learning to voice it privately and keep it clean. After all, we play for the same team.
Here’s to relationship and marriage glue!