My grandmother never learned to drive. It’s not that she didn’t try. My grandfather attempted to teach her, my dad gave it a shot, and at least two private driving school instructors did their best. After all this the consensus was that if my grandmother was issued a driver’s license the city of Flint would become just one massive demolition derby.
Luckily, Grandma Bosley’s house was a block away from our house and both houses were within a few hundred feet from a city bus stop. What this meant during the Christmas shopping season was that Grandma could ride the bus to downtown Flint (where all the stores were in those days). As the oldest boy in the family I was Grandma Bosley’s main escort on these adventures.
Even at the age of nine or ten this was serious business. According to Grandma, if I was going to accompany a lady I had responsibilities. I was to act like a gentleman and as such there were certain practices to be followed without question. And she had a logical reason (in her mind) for all of them.
A gentleman never leaves the house unless he’s wearing clean underwear. Reason: We’re taking the bus and if there’s a crash and you’re rushed to the hospital we don’t want you embarrassing the family. We don’t want them thinking we’re a bunch of heathens.
Once on the bus, a gentleman never sits while a lady is standing. He always offers his seat to any lady, regardless of the lady’s age. Reason: Ladies spend all day on their feet, usually looking after a man. She’s more tired than you. She gets to sit and you stand. Besides, do you want to look like a weakling?
When a gentleman and a lady walk down the street, the gentleman walks on the outside (closest to the curb). Reason: Ladies are always dressed better than gentlemen. They go to a lot of trouble to look good. If a car comes by and splashes water and mud, the gentleman should be the one to get his clothes wet and dirty, not the lady. Her outfit should be protected at all times. Walking on the outside proves a gentleman is not afraid to protect his lady. When a man walks on the inside it’s a sign of weakness.
When a gentleman accompanies a lady on a shopping trip, it’s his obligation to carry the packages. Reason: You want to appear to be big and strong, don’t you? Then carry the packages. The more you carry the stronger you look.
During the shopping trip we may have lunch. If we do a gentleman always removes his hat. Reason: You’re inside. It’s not raining inside. It’s not cold. Hats were invented for outdoors. If you want to cover your head indoors I’ll loan you my babushka so you can really look ridiculous. Besides, removing your hat in the presence of a lady is a show of respect.
Finally, when we return from the shopping trip a gentleman always delivers a lady to her door. Reason: You want to make sure she gets inside. What if her key doesn’t work and you’ve already left? Then she’s all alone in the cold and snow. A gentleman does not consider the trip complete until the lady is safe and sound.
I learned a lot during those shopping forays into downtown Flint. Later, when I got my own driver’s license, I was Grandma Bosley’s designated driver on Saturday treks to the grocery store. She called it “zooming me around.” It was a riot because she compiled her grocery list item by item and that’s the way she shopped. If milk was first on the list we’d go to the dairy section. If bread was second on the list we’d go to the other side of the store for a loaf. If cheese was third on the list we’d go back to the dairy section. And so it went, back and forth, back and forth. It never occurred to her to group like items together.
Ah, but she kept teaching and I kept learning. Never block the aisle with your cart; other people are shopping too you know. If a lady can’t reach the top shelf you, as a gentleman, should volunteer to reach the item for her. Always hold the door open for the person behind you. She had a million of them.
Now, all this may seem corny and out-of-date, but I like to think these lessons in common courtesy made me a better person. I still walk on the outside (nearest the curb), for example, although my wife would tell you I have an irrational fear that if I don’t my grandmother will leap out from behind a bush and smack me.
As my grandmother used to say: “A little politeness never hurt anyone.” It’s something to keep in mind during the hectic holiday season.