I’ve Been Dating Online Space Aliens

First there was paper and pen to hide behind, then email and texting came along, and now online dating has perfected the communication gap between men and women. Let’s call this new phenomenon the alien brain in a jar syndrome. Remember the old sci fi movies starring space aliens who were so highly evolved they no longer required bodies? I think they lived in a crystal, or whatever, and a psychedelic light flashed whenever they spoke. Just for the record, that’s not my idea of a positive evolutionary outcome! Anyway, the whole online dating scene has gotten out of hand. I know, you think I’m a sore loser, but hear me out. I’ve been monitoring this trend for quite awhile.

It’s the strangest thing! Ever since I got involved with online dating, I’ve been having one out of body experience after another. It just seems like the women I come across on Internet dating sites aren’t terribly interested in actually meeting a man in person. Apparently, it’s enough for these women to be pursued by hordes of cyber pen pals and inboxes loaded with fresh misrepresentations. It’s nearly impossible to arrange a telephone call.

The truth be known, I gave up on online dating a long time ago, but I’m fascinated by the alien brain in a jar syndrome. There’s even one site where you can monitor the activity of women in your geographic area…new members, photos, and all the rest. You can even send electronic gifts, like teddy bears and flowers. On and on it goes, receiving imaginary gifts from one guy after another.

I sent some gal an electronic bouquet of flowers. She wrote back and thanked me for the sweet gift, but I never heard from her again. Fortunately, electronic flowers are cheap, so all it cost me was another pound of self-esteem. It’s always the same names…receiving another imaginary gift, posting six more photos, and repeatedly updating their profiles. The email messages are brief and stale. The whole thing is a waste of time. I think the scientists who’ve been sending messages into deep space, hoping to make contact with alien beings, are having more luck than a harmless little earthling like me.

I can’t help thinking that online dating has set human communication back ten-thousand years. It’s no wonder the birth-rate in this country is so low! I actually envy my stone-age predecessors. No new profiles or empty inboxes to worry about…Just living breathing women dressed in animal skins and a warm smile by the fire. I’m all for conversation, getting to know one another, and moving slowly. That’s all good, but the whole alien brain in a jar thing is getting me down. There really are space aliens! They live in cyberspace and their sole purpose is to drive me nuts. I did have five pretty encouraging cyber-dates with a gal named honeybunny55 recently, but I’m still waiting for her response to my last message. I really thought she was the one!


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