So you want to be a super hero, do you? You want to leap tall buildings and deliver justice with large dollops of derring-do?
You can go about it like amateur by picking up a weapon for justice-dispensing and put on a ski mask to hide your identity. You can go out into the streets like this and hope for the best, but you’ll likely be reported to the police for suspicious behavior and attempted bank robbery (though obviously you were casing the bank waiting for the real bank robbers).
Or you can do it the professional way by following some simple guidelines. As horror-inducing as rules for super hero-ing may be to you, these are what separates the men from the boys. Superman is a powerful alien who saves the world on his coffee break; Superboy is a punk in a leather jacket. Super hero rules are the difference.
Get the Motivation
While anyone can slap on some spandex and beat up miscreants, only a real hero does it with gusto and an angry Christian Bale voice. And what makes Bruce Wayne want to go out in the night and scream at dirtbags after a hard day of being disgustingly rich? Motivation.
If you have a family, they have to go. I don’t mean offing them, of course. Just stage a random paintball attack on them in a dark alley and get a picture of it. Then keep that picture in your pocket and let it burn a hole in your brain and slowly drive you insane. Are you insane yet? Good. You’re almost ready to be a super hero.
Get the Powers
Before you slap on some skin-tight spandex and advertise your cellulite to your adoring public, you’ll need some crime-stopping abilities. While the power to shoot lasers from your fingertips would be nice, only .0000000001% of humans possess this power. And if you’re reading this, you’re probably not Chuck Norris or Kim Jong Un.
So you’ll have to get powers the old fashioned way- massive collateral damage and extreme danger. First, get a job at a research facility that is developing experimental weapons technology. And don’t tell me that’s too difficult. I’ve seen enough movies to know that even Denise Richards can be a nuclear scientist.
Once you’ve got your job, sneak in late at night to the lab with large amounts of explosive and radioactive insects. Now the next part is tricky. What you want to do is get the insects to bite you while the laboratory is exploding and the experimental weapon is firing. Don’t fire the weapon directly into your eyes, as bright lights can potentially cause vision problems.
I suggest having the radioactive insects in a box or other container. When the time is right, shake the container vigorously and open the container. With one hand, pour the insects over you, and with other, hit the switch to fire the weapon. Your explosives should hopefully go off about this time, if you set your countdown timer properly.
If you forgot to set the timer, you’ll have to start all over again, and who knows how long it will take to pick up the insects and reset the weapon.
If you were successful, you should now have bizarre super powers and/or a grotesquely malformed appearance.Congratulations, you’re halfway to becoming a super hero! Next time, we’ll cover costumes and antagonists.