Why Hiring Billy Crystal Isn’t Enough: 10 Changes the Oscars Must Make

Over the past few months, the Oscars’ fall from grace has gone from gradual to precipitous. Things started to get ugly with this year’s broadcast, on Feb. 27, when the Academy of Motion Picture Arts and Sciences’ pathetic attempt to bait young viewers by hiring James Franco and Anne Hathaway to host backfired. Apparently gluttons for punishment, the Academy made another lame attempt at wooing the young viewers who don’t (and may never) care about the Oscars by hiring director Brett Ratner to produce the 2012 broadcast. Ratner is notoriously crass, but he’s got a populist touch, and he delivered his pal Eddie Murphy as host. Predictably, however, Ratner talked himself out of the job by saying characteristically obnoxious things in public. So out Ratner went, and with him went Murphy.

How did the Academy respond to this embarrassment? By abandoning its campaign to entice young viewers and hiring a pair of showbiz veterans old enough to be grandparents: megaproducer Brian Grazer and host Billy Crystal. If the Academy wanted to send a message that their show is now intended exclusively for gray-haired movie fans, they couldn’t have done so more clearly.

It need not be so. People still love movies, and they’re still fascinated by movie stars, so making younger moviegoers excited about the Oscars is not impossible. More to the point, getting these young fans into the habit of watching the Academy Awards is an absolute necessity if the show is to survive into the foreseeable future. In that spirit, here are 10 modest proposals for making the Oscars matter again.

1. Ditch the Format. The most obvious change is also the most radical: Stop presenting the Oscars as an old-school variety show. Erase the forced patter, except for comedians. And please, please, please annihilate all traces of fake sincerity. We’re in an ironic era, so old-school fakery doesn’t impress anyone anymore. Today’s Oscars should be an exciting, fast-moving barrage of celebrities and movie clips, promising and delivering just one thing: more stars in one place than any other broadcast.

2. Cut the Show to Two Hours. The days when viewers had the patience for a three- or four-hour Oscar show are long gone. Get in, get out, and leave people wanting more. If the Academy is looking for things to cut, they should start with the interminable song-and-dance numbers. In fact, deleting all musical performances would be smart. With all due respect to the great Randy Newman, hearing one more sickly-sweet Disney/Pixar tune might cause viewers to shoot their TVs. Get rid of elements that aren’t relevant anymore, and bringing the whole program in under two hours becomes achievable.

3. Stars, Stars, Stars. Admittedly, luring celebrity presenters is the one area in which the Oscars still generally trump other awards shows, but the Academy can do better. There’s no reason why every major actor in Hollywood can’t be enticed to participate, whether it’s in person or in a video package. (See Suggestion No. 4.) Give the people what they want, which means Brad and Angie giving out one award, and Carell and Carrey giving out the next. The barrage of big names should be relentless.

4. Take a Cue from Andy Samberg. Saturday Night Live producer Lorne Michaels doesn’t keep “D–k in a Box” mastermind Samberg around SNL for his brilliant participation in live sketches; rather, Samberg earns his keep by generating a new “SNL Digital Short” almost every week. Many bomb, but the ones that connect are killer, in part because of dazzling celebrity cameos. Copying this device would be one of the best decisions the Academy ever made, because if the Oscars are going to stay relevant in the Internet age, each Oscar show should generate a handful of hilarious shorts that keep people talking about the broadcast for weeks afterward. It’s all about the downloads these days.

5. Show Old Hollywood the Door. It pains me to say this, but the long tradition of honoring aging veterans at the Oscars has become a drag on the show’s running time. The Academy recently took a bold step with its controversial decision to present lifetime-achievement awards during a non-broadcast ceremony (which is why Oprah Winfrey just got her honorary Oscar, even though the rest of the Academy Awards won’t be handed out until February), but now the Academy needs to commit wholeheartedly to its future. Anyone who isn’t a current or upcoming star should stay home on Oscar night, unless that person is nominated for something. Forcing aging actors to struggle through scripted chatter is a pointless endeavor that delivers uncomfortable results.

6. Ditch the Technical Awards. This one pains me as well, but everybody knows that awards for things like cinematography and sound editing provide opportunities for viewers to hit the bathroom or throw more popcorn into the microwave. The simple solution to this problem involves taking a page from the Grammys: Hand out technical awards, plus prizes for documentaries and short films, during a non-telecast ceremony before the big show begins. Then, periodically throughout the broadcast, run brief clips revealing who won. While it’s true that winners in some of these second-string races often deliver the most heartfelt speeches, sitting through a dozen rambling thank-you messages in the hopes of discovering one pithy remark makes for dull viewing. Keep it moving!

7. Keep the Montages Modern. Groovy as they are for old-school film fans, the Academy’s signature montages, like those celebrating the horror or romance genres, are so random that they don’t serve any real purpose. Each Oscar broadcast should be a celebration of the previous year in filmmaking, not an arbitrary salute to the entire previous century in filmmaking. The Academy should try putting together a package featuring the best scary moments of the year, and one for the funniest punchlines of the year, and one for the most romantic kisses of the year, and so on. The goal is making viewers excited about what the movies are today, instead of suggesting that Hollywood’s best days are in the past.

8. Pull Back the Curtain. Why not show more of what it’s like to be at the Oscars? Periodically, the broadcast should cut to the backstage areas, lounges, and press rooms to show stars mingling in unexpected situations. Did two former costars just reunite by the bar for a quick chat? Show it! Did a newly minted Oscar winner just bust out a happy dance while chatting with reporters? Show it! As the liquored-up shenanigans of recent Golden Globes broadcasts have proven, spontaneity goes a long way toward making an awards show lively.

9. Introduce New Categories. The people behind the Screen Actors Guild Awards had the right idea by introducing a Best Ensemble Cast award, and the Academy should shamelessly steal this idea. Other prizes the Academy should add: Best First Feature (given to the year’s breakout director); Best Debut Performance; Best Juvenile Performance (for performers under age 16, who shouldn’t be put into the same categories as adults); and Best Cameo Performance (because some of us are still trying to figure out how Judi Dench’s mini-performance in Shakespeare in Love merited an Oscar for Best Supporting Actress). None of these awards are cheap or pandering (leave Best Kiss and Best Villain to the MTV Movie Awards), but they would fill the broadcast with of-the-moment actors.

10. Find a Relevant Host. Crystal was a wonderful Oscar host back in the day, and it was clear from his cameo at this year’s show that he’s eager for more, so chances are he’ll come out swinging for his ninth appearance and deliver the goods. He also gets to be the hero of the day by stepping in after Murphy bailed. Following Crystal’s (hopefully) triumphant return, however, it’s time for the Oscars to dig into Hollywood’s deep talent pool and find a young star who’s ready to commit to a long relationship with the Academy. Letting a host develop his or her chops over several years would create continuity, ending the “Who’s Hosting?” sweepstakes that results in failures as often as it results in winners. The aforementioned Steve Carell comes to mind as a great possibility. So do Tina Fey, Paul Rudd, Emma Stone, and Justin Timberlake.


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