Top Ten Things You Should Know About Zombie Banks

There are ten things you should probably know about Zombie banks, preferably before opening a bank account.

But first off, what is a Zombie bank?

Meredith Whitney, a financial analyst for CNBC, recently remarked that major banks, such as Bank of America, are turning into ‘Zombie Banks’. While she may have been referring to banks that will run in the red for years, maybe even a decade, many people don’t know that many such banks are employing Zombies in order to save money. Listed below are the top ten things you should know about Zombie banks.

1. Many Zombie banks have “human customer lounges” (HCLs) for their non-zombie customers, which are often stocked with free coffee and donuts. The free ‘snack food’ for zombies, usually prominently showcased in the bank’s lobby, is for Zombies and isn’t anything you would want to eat.

2. While the human customer lounges are a good place to get a free cup of coffee, they are often located in a small closet at the back of the bank, exactly the place where a zombie ambush could occur, so stay on guard.

3. Zombie banks often charge hidden ‘flesh craving’ fees, in order to feed off of their human customers, sometimes charging just to take money out of an ATM or to walk out of the bank alive.

4. A good point about Zombie banks is that in the case of a Zombie apocalypse, stocks in Zombie banks will soar, along with companies that make survival supplies and firearms.

5. While opening an account at an Zombie bank is relatively low risk, (at least compared to treasury bonds), don’t give the bank your real home address. Zombie banks often sell home addresses and telephones numbers to hungry Zombies who may show up at your doorstep looking for a handout, literally.

6. If you approach a Zombie bank and see humans inside screaming, and trying in vain to open doors which are curiously locked from the outside, you should vacate the area immediately as it might be the lunch hour.

7. Don’t go the Zombie bank during the lunch hour, which for Zombie is usually between 4 pm and closing, and never visit a Zombie bank’s ATM at night unless under military escort.

8. Don’t take out a mortgage at a Zombie bank, as defaulting will literally cost you an arm and a leg.

9. While taking a shotgun to a normal bank is a felony in most states, humans regularly come armed with shotguns when conducting business at a Zombie bank. Don’t be afraid to show the Zombies that you mean business and don’t want to become lunch!

10. Bringing a cow’s eyeball to the Zombie bank, (or other Zombie delicacy such as your mother-in-law), can keep you in good rapport with the Zombie bank manager, and keep your bank portfolio, and you, healthy and alive.

For the top ten Surprises at the Royal Wedding, click here.

Sources:

http://www.cnbc.com/id/44087025

Five years work experience as a Zombie bank manager.


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