Written by Markus Robinson, Edited by Nicole Ashland
There was an abundance of crap that came out of Hollywood this year, and surprisingly, a high number that were unfortunately quite popular in the Indie world. So suffice it to say, it was hard to pick just 10 for this list. Honestly, it was hard not to fill the list with solely Sandler productions. But without further ado, here is my top 10 list of the worst movies to come out of 2011.
10. The Beaver (PG-13): With a far too ridiculous plot line that absolutely distracts from some fairly noteworthy acting, and containing one of the most irrational and gruesome endings of all time, the critically acclaimed “The Beaver” should all but spell an end for Mel Gibson’s career. Directed by Jodie Foster, “The Beaver” tells the story of a man (played by Gibson) going through an intense midlife depression. His wife has left him, and the only companionship he seems to find is with an old Beaver hand puppet that he finds discarded in a dumpster. Despite that brilliant setup (SARCASM!!!!), Foster is working with a script whose themes and metaphors may be somewhat strong, but whose story line is so far “out there” and incoherent at times that it becomes impossible for most audiences to get past the weirdness of it and see anything worthwhile here. And a note to all of the critics who hailed Gibson’s acting here as brave, I would tend to agree. With all of the negative press slaughtering Gibson’s off-screen persona, it was brave of him to go out of his way to be in a movie that served to kill his acting career as well; well, brave or stupid.
9. The Hangover 2 (R): This is essentially “The Hangover” with transvestites and a monkey, but I don’t want to give too much of the fascinating plot away and ruin it for everyone. The sequel plays out as essentially your average bro-mance concept run into the ground with a perfect storm of penis jokes, grotesque and anti-comedic violence and a bit too much Zach Galifianakis. Everything you enjoyed about the first one, which for me was not much, is beat into submission here. And even if you enjoyed the original, “The Hangover 2″ will seem as if you are paying full fine dining prices for annoyingly familiar leftovers.
8. The Sitter (R): The dreadful “Adventures in Babysitting” reboot, is also my pick for the worst script of the year and in all actuality probably should have been rated higher on my list. This is the first of two David Gordon Green directed abominations, telling the story of an obnoxiously passive mid-20s loser who is constantly trying to get laid as well as do nothing with his life. He is chosen, for some inexplicable reason, to babysit three (one overtly stereotypical and two offensively annoying) one-dimensional kids, and from that point laughs never ensue. With a script that couldn’t have taken any longer than five minutes to write, the truly sad thing in the case of “The Sitter” is how it was supposed to be Jonah Hill’s breakout performance as a leading man, and would have worked if there was any semblance of a story line here (any at all).
7. Sucker Punch (R): Zack Snyder exploits every computer geek’s most closely guarded fantasies with “Sucker Punch,” a film in which a bunch of skanky (but misunderstood) teen girls run around in skimpy Catholic school outfits and fight level after level of dragons with machine guns for wings (and crap like that). This is the film equivalent of watching someone play a video game (fun for about five minutes). “Sucker Punch” is part oversaturated explosions with just a dab of child pornography, with really stylish but almost nonsensical directing, in conjunction with some miscues in plot development and an ending that voids pretty much the entire film. This movie set out to be a sort of “300” for feminists but is only a slippery slope to the unemployment line for Mr. Snyder.
6. Battle Los Angeles (PG-13): This is the sound of my eardrums exploding. In a Hollywood world, where California seems to be the capital of the United States, “Battle: L.A.” depicts the fictional story of what would happen if there were a sudden invasion by an army of extra terrestrials wielding machine guns as hands and the Marine Corps had to come save the day. OK, sounds like a decent Sci-Fi adventure so far. That is until the “battle” begins. The battle sequences depict nothing more than a jumbled mess of firepower, body parts and the hackiest clichés about never giving up and once a Marine always a Marine that I had ever heard in one movie. This movie seemed to be of the mindset that everyone loves explosions, so much so that the story line and the character development, or in that case, the characters in general become a secondary (and unnecessary) afterthought. I guess that is the American way though. “Stop talking, and give me some more explosions!” Sitting through this obnoxiously loud Marine Corp. recruitment movie made me long for the days of “Transformers 2.” Enough said.
5. Red Riding Hood (PG-13): “Twilight” has nothing on this unwatchable tween melodrama. From the odd choice of an Electronica soundtrack, to the painful makeup ridden (everyone here looks like a Cullen) over-acting, to the worst directing job of the year, “Red Riding Hood” demonstrates how many seriously wrong choices one director can make. This is Warner Bros.’ attempt at a Twilight-esque retelling of the classic fairytale Little Red Riding Hood, and then the wolf begins to speak and the movie goes right down the toilet. It is hard to say what this movie is. Is it a bad horror movie? Is it a horrid love story? Is it a movie filled with actors who had better get used to repeating the line “would you want fries with that”? I will give Amanda Seyfried a bit of credit here, as she tries to save this movie from itself with a decent performance, but of course she can’t as “Red Riding Hood” goes down in movie history as one of the worst rehashings of a fairytale ever made; and this was in the same year that “Beastly” came out!
4. Just Go With It (PG-13): Brooklyn Decker’s boobs, and a Rolodex of painfully unfunny Adam Sandler jokes, does not a film make. Working with an ill advised/sloppily thrown together and poorly executed plot about a man who wears a wedding ring to fool women into sleeping with him, Sandler puts out another in a long string of moronic comedies, making everyone forget about his noteworthy performances in “Punch-Drunk Love” or “Funny People.” In fact, this is one of two Sandler productions on my list and while they are both near the bottom they are both equally unwatchable. Suffice to say, “You Don’t Mess with the Zohan,” I mean “I Now Pronounce You Chuck & Larry,” I mean “Click,” I mean “Anger Management,” I mean “Mr. Deeds,” I mean “Little Nicky,” I mean “Big Daddy,” I mean “Billy Madision,” I mean “Happy Gilmore,” I mean “Just Go With It” is low-brow humor at its finest, only meant to be seen by the lowest common denominator with $10 in his or her pocket.
3. Jack and Jill (PG): A Rolodex of painfully bad jokes, but instead of Brooklyn Decker’s boobs we get Adam Sandler’s. “Jack and Jill” solidifies the fact that people will continue to pay to see any old piece of garbage that Sandler puts his name one (I am talking to you, fans of “Grown- Ups”). All this story line consists of is 90 minutes of him playing his own sister, in which I mean Sandler doing his best Madea impression and dressing in drag for nobody’s entertainment. And while Al Pacino does have a somewhat entertaining supporting role in this Sandler production (a phrase I pray to never say again), the rest of “Jack and Jill” is an apocalyptic storm of cringe inducing jokes, cameos that serve no purpose, bad acting and cruel anti-Semitic female humor. I hesitate to say that this is worse than the hated “Grandma’s Boy” (another Sandler Production), but what I will say is that with “Jack and Jill” Sandler has officially pigeon-holed himself for all time into these Sandler-esque pictures, as his name will be forever synonymous with horribly unfunny, yet horribly popular movies. And my guess is that Sandler could care less as he laughs all the way to the bank.
2. Your Highness (R): A movie that has everything a horrid comedy should contain, deplorable direction from the aforementioned David Gordon Green, a constant bombardment of crude and uninventive pot humor, countless insensitive homophobic situations, vomit inducing characters, breasts and penises galore, a script that seems to have been written by elementary school children, who had just learned their first bad word and Danny McBride, the only comedic actor worse than Adam Sandler. The story really doesn’t matter, but here you go anyways. “Your Highness” follows two princes, Fabious, the handsome prince and his oaf of a little brother Thadeous, as they are forced to go on a quest to get Fabious’s bride back from the evil wizard Leezar. But first they have to go see a perverted wise man, smoke a lot of marijuana and fight a myriad of disgusting foes, including a man in a diaper, a nude man with no genitalia and a bull with exaggerated genitalia. After seeing this movie, it seemed clear that Green and McBride must have had a good laugh at all of us with the success of “Your Highness”, but I don’t get it, did poor Natalie Portman loose a bet or something? Doing her best impression of Nicolas Cage, she caused me to wonder how one goes from academy award worthy work in “Black Swan” to the second worst movie of the year?! For any other comedy on my list I could be persuaded to understand that all too flimsy argument of how comedy is subjective, but if you enjoyed “Your Highness” even the slightest bit, then you are an IDIOT!
1. The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence) (Unrated) – Filth personified, “The Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence)” takes vomit inducing to an all too real level. If you were sick enough to sit through the first one, the sequel is basically the same thing, but this time the mouth to anus surgery is enhanced in gruesome fashion from a three-person human centipede to a 12-person human centipede; yummy. Why anyone would want to subject themselves to this lowest form of exploitative cinema is beyond me. Furthermore, I can’t altogether fathom how director Tom Six could even envision this deplorable concept let alone find actors perverted enough to go along with it. But what I did come to realize after seeing Six’s “film” is how badly he need to see a therapist, mainly because of some not so repressed homicidal thoughts. “Human Centipede 2 (Full Sequence)” not only holds the illustrious title of being the worst movie I have seen all year, but also the worst film experience I have ever sat through (and you must remember that I sat through “Grown Ups”).
Just missed my list: New Year’s Eve, Cowboys & Aliens, The Roommate, The Descendents, Bridesmaids, Sleeping Beauty, Take Me Home Tonight, The Change-Up, Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark, Little Fockers, Beastly, Melancholia.